Why I’m Thinking About Having An Affair

Thinking of having an affairI’m  married to a good woman, I mean a really good woman. She’s a woman whom undoubtedly gives me her all of her love, and I feel with absolute certainty and trust that she has been faithful to me in our more than 9 years of marriage. It’s the kind of relationship any man could almost dream for really… to love someone so deeply and be attracted to them so truly and to be able to entrust your heart with them so completely… it’s almost like a fairy tale it could be so perfect, at least from an objective point of view.

So why the hell do I find myself struggling to stay faithful when I have someone so incredible, and something so almost perfect?

Back when I was first dating my (now) wife, I admit I had cheated on her a few times – we met when I was still in college and we started off having a long distance relationship. Back then I chalked it up to just being a horny young guy with a high sex drive and not getting to see his girlfriend too often, but after cheating on her a few times I was overcome with a tremendous guilt. She was already the most wonderful girl I had ever had a relationship with and back in my mind I’m sure I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her, and she just didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

Eventually I was able to internalize enough empathy for her (and therefore came to a true realization) of just how horribly I was treating her, that I was so overcome with such guilt I finally told myself I would never cheat on her again. A few years later I married her and to this day, after making that promise and then 9 years of marriage, I have still remained faithful to her since (albeit, not without some serious challenges and even stupidly putting myself in some sticky situations).

This past year was an incredible struggle for me though. Actually it still is. At the beginning of the year I went through sort of a “relationship awakening” that I think has led me to consciously become more aware of everything going on in my life, especially with my sexuality. See in the Fall last year, there were signs I now see with hindsight (but did not realize at the time) that my wife was unhappy in our relationship. Luckily, she was in what I attribute to be only the beginning stages of unhappiness, as she was nowhere near the levels of seriously considering leaving me or cheating on me. But the unhappiness was there, and even more luckily I discovered the reasons for her unhappiness on my own, by accident, when doing some research online about relationships. And what I started to realize is that it was mostly me and my own poor habits that were causing most of the problems in our marriage. I was complacent and lazy and took my wife for granted, and I consider myself fortunate that I was able to learn this, as now a year later with total awareness, I’ve read too often about what happens when a wife is unhappy in a relationship, and the thought of my wife leaving me or cheating on me is mortifying.

So needless to say in the past year I have made some serious life-changing adjustments to myself, my routine, and my approach to our relationship – all in the name of becoming the best husband I can be for my wife. And I can honestly say, even with some validation from both her and others,  just how happy my wife is again and how she feels like she has fallen in love with me all over again.

I’ve read too often about what happens when a wife is unhappy in a relationship, and the thought of my wife leaving me or cheating on me is mortifying.

I too have fallen in love with my wife all over again in many ways. And our sex life is back to a very good frequency and quality – I mean, for the first time in our sex lives, my wife has been having orgasms through intercourse with an obscene success rate, like nearly 90% of the time. Orgasms through intercourse used to be an infrequent / occasional occurrence for her, but I attribute the new high success rate to all the positive changes I’ve made for our relationship over the past year and her happiness as a result.

Yes, I said “…changes I’ve made…” there on purpose. This is the part where I think some “unhappiness” creeps in on my part. In all this effort I’ve made the past year, part of the whole experience was also an awakening on my part of my own self-needs. I’ve never been so tuned-in before with awareness about my own needs and what I expect out of a relationship. And though I’ve tried like to hell to get my wife to hop on this journey of discovery with me as I walk through it, I feel she herself is now somewhat complacent and lazy about doing so – only putting in a half-hearted effort to appease me occasionally but not “in it” enough to make me feel as important to her as I feel she is to me.

Don’t get me wrong, my wife is a good woman and she is not doing anything intentionally to hurt me. But some of the biggest hurdles we face come down to her self-esteem and sexual barriers, because she is the classic epitome introvert when it comes to sexual openness, whereas I am much more free-spirited and open when it comes to my sexuality. Intimacy is how I bond with my woman and sexual exploration is how I fulfill my passionate mind. And despite my efforts this past year in trying to get her to open up more, try more variety, and do things that make me feel more quantified as a desirable husband to her, she’s not truly getting the message and so not putting into action what I’m telling her that I need in our relationship.

I guess it just feels like now that I have relationship awareness, my wife is actively choosing to stay ignorant, and thus it often feels like I’m still walking alone even though I have a good woman next to me.

So this is my struggle… because me being a guy with a naturally-high sex drive, and now armed with “relationship” and “needs” awareness, I know I am being the best and most attractive male I can be. Not only have I been putting in the exercise to get in better physical shape, but I also have a keen understanding of what a woman needs in a relationship, and I exert all the characteristics of being a “great catch” for a woman. I’m confident, humorous, assertive and a sensual lover in bed, but I’m also very much an active, contributing equally around the house in doing my part to provide all the security and comforts of the home that a woman also needs. And I feel like my wife is simply taking everything I am for granted, not maliciously, but just kind of obliviously, because she herself hasn’t done the research I have done to recognize the consequences of not holding up your end of a relationship. And despite my best efforts of pushing her to “get involved” in the awareness journey, she simply doesn’t try to make enough time to really read and discover and experiment any of it. And inasmuch, she keeps falling back on her old introverted ways – making excuses not to put in effort and never challenging her own sexual barriers with me. Never growing with me. Not evolving with me.

Deep down, I really REALLY do want to stay faithful to my wife, always. But this past year I have discovered this new insatiable desire, almost primal in nature, to go out there and prove I’m a “great catch”. Ironically though, I think the truer challenge here is that maybe I’m just struggling with my own vulnerabilities, my insecurities that my wife doesn’t make me feel like I’m “not worth losing”. Because the most important thing to me is to have my woman continue to desire me with unwavering passion. That’s the reinforcement I need, that is my vulnerability. Because simply knowing I’m a “great catch” just isn’t enough, I need to feel like it too. And right now, that’s not how she’s making me feel.

So that is my struggle – Which maybe is not so different than anyone else’s struggle really: Feeling caught in the middle of having a primal agenda and an intellectual rationale that are constantly at war with each other; trying to subdue the animal inside me that fantasizes about, and is capable of, giving pleasure to many women… because I know I have a good woman at home who doesn’t deserve to be cheated on. It’s my struggle of nature vs. soul. It’s my struggle to prove myself in a context that ironically shouldn’t matter to me in the grand scheme of everything else I’ve got going for me in my life. It is my forever struggle with monogamy…

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About giveandtake

giveandtake is a dedicated father and a husband of 9 years whom struggles to remain faithful in his marriage to a good woman but who is not on the same page as him regarding deeper aspects of their intimate life. He enjoys sports, socializing with friends and family, philosophical debate, and passion in all things life.

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12 Responses to Why I’m Thinking About Having An Affair

  1. emily January 23, 2013 at 11:38 am #

    why dont you have sex with hookers..they will most definitely make you feel as if you are the “most desirable” man to walk on planet earth.

    idiot.

  2. addict January 23, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

    Good idea Emily. What is your hourly rate???

    • anonim February 2, 2013 at 3:07 am #

      oh snap!

  3. Cheatersarecowards January 23, 2013 at 9:30 pm #

    Let me just say that cheating on your wife is a route you should never take. The hurt, devastation, anguish, and pain you will put her and if you have kids through is horrendous and life-altering. Please, if you truly love your wife the way you say you do, be faithful to her. Always.
    I take it you need validation of some kind in your sexual prowess and want your wife to be that partner. But she is introverted, so you say.
    Have you thought about the both of you seeing a sex therapist such as the likes of a Laura Berman? Many couples are not always on the same page, but a therapist in this area of expertise can help many couples navigate their way through and helping each other.
    Why is it important you feel you are a great catch to various women? Who gives a crap what they think of you? You are not married to any of them. But to be that great catch to your wife?? To see that love and attraction in her eyes??? Priceless.

  4. Emily January 24, 2013 at 12:26 pm #

    nowhere near what your mother charges

    • Cheatersarecowards January 24, 2013 at 2:03 pm #

      Lol!

  5. addicted January 24, 2013 at 2:21 pm #

    Awesome, so that means you’re a cheap hooker!

    • Cheatersarecowards January 24, 2013 at 6:21 pm #

      Way to diss your mom addicted.. What a tool.

  6. dont do it January 24, 2013 at 11:21 pm #

    I understand what you feel although in contrast with what you talk about, I had a very rough first year of marriage. I have been married for a year and a half. My husband and I are from two different countries (cultures), met in another country, dated for 5 years (had a long distance relationship and saw each other twice a month), and married before moving to another country that was also foreign to both of us. Story short, I moved to another city to work there ’cause I couldn’t find a job where we were living and also ’cause I couldn’t stand being with my husband -I was feeling and even now I feel neglected by him, although he is a very nice guy…Continuing with my story, things at the job I was at didn’t work out well and signed a resignation letter. During the time I was living in this city, my husband was so nice and into me and he visited me twice during the few months I spent away from him. However, by the time I signed a resignation letter, I met a guy that shared the same culture and language than me and eventually I cheated on my husband with this guy. I felt a strong conexion with this guy and even more so in bed. However, although this guy asked me to leave my husband and stay with him, I just couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him like that, without trying more -I know many will criticize my action but it is done and can’t go back in the past. What I want to share with you is that when I returned with my husband I felt so shitty because he is a great guy. I couldn’t sleep well for weeks and even now I look at him and ask myself whether I should confess to him what I did. I haven’t done it ’cause our marriage is still not in good terms, so I want to give it some sort of a chance that it will work out. My point is that if you cheat on your spouse, you will have lots and lots of thoughts afterwards, I don’t think it is worth it. There is nothing more precious than having a clear conscience with yourself. Although you may feel neglected by your spouse by cheating on her you will not only hurt her -if you tell her-, but you may hurt yourself and your marriage if you decide to continue with her. If I were you, I would have an honest talk with your wife and share with her your concerns, maybe as another person suggested, it may also a good idea to go to a sex counselor. I had that talk with my husband before and he just didn’t change, I guess that there are people with a low sex drive or who get so stress out with things and lose interest in sex -in this case it wasn’t that I don’t workout enough, so I know what you mean. Thus perhaps you may find a way to help your wife by relieving whatever stress she has: kids, household, talking with her more, hugging her more -just by the sake of hugging without expecting sex, it may come eventually.

    • Cheatersarecowards January 25, 2013 at 9:01 pm #

      I am so sorry about your situation don’tdoit. To have a clear conscience is the only way to live IMO.. I would say that there really is no perfect time to tell your husband, and what would be more devastating is to find out even later after you seem to be insync. Better to tell him now and be honest. Be ready to answer any questions he might have. Be ready for him to reject you, but possibly not able to trust you. Be ready to have complete transparency. Be ready for a fallout. However, if you truly love your husband , you will help him through his pain.
      If worse comes to worse and you end up divorcing, please learn your lesson in the pain and overwhelming grief by betraying someone that loved and trusted you with every fiber if their being.
      But you owe to your husband and to yourself to be open and honest regarding you have done. You can’t build your marriage with secrets and lies. Good luck dontdoit.

  7. David January 28, 2013 at 9:31 pm #

    Give and take:

    Are you sure your wife is as happy as you think and that you are actually truly a great catch.

    Maybe your wife is doing her part and giving more. Maybe it was in response to you giving more.

    You gave your wife a gift by changing, but a gift should not be given in expectation of anything in return.

    Still, I think you got something in return. You just don’t want to see it because……well, you want to have a fling.

    Don’t do it, Pal.

    You WILL destroy your marriage.

    If your wife is as good a wife as you say, too, then I doubt you will easily find someone to replace her.

    Cheating is just stupid.

    Do you remember that commercial that said: “this is your brain on drugs.

    Well they need to run public service announcements that say this is your brain in an affair……then show a pile of mush.

    During an affair people have mush for brains, and when they lose everything and only then, do they realize how mushy their affair addicted brains were.

  8. Regina May 27, 2013 at 12:50 pm #

    I am 4 years out from an affair my husband had. I still do not trust him, I think about him screwing her almost every time we are in bed, and have about 80 triggers a day (he did it with a hispanic female and they fill south florida, literally everywhere) I could move on, but I know it has changed me forever. I will never trust again the way I did. Mostly because of knowing about men like you who cheat for NO APPARENT REASON other than to get their ego fed. So now that you have become “evolved” for a year, you think your wife has not changed. What about all the years she hung in there while you were less helpful, thoughtful, etc.? She has taken care of your sexual needs for probably a decade now, does that count for nothing? How juvenile to put your life now on the line for a nameless faceless screw. If you do, she will learn the pain I am in, and you will have your little schoolboy variety of “scores” to keep you warm at night. I am not sure my relationship will make it. The pain dulls some, it goes from excruciating for years to simply horrible. It invades every tributary of your relationship. It is the ultimate poison for your relationship. Good luck.

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