The Secret Affair Interviews #12

1) Age, sex, marital status

45; female; married

2) When did you first begin your affair? How did you meet your affair partner?

6 months ago. We met at a professional event.

3) What were the circumstances that led you to having an affair?

Boredom– a mid-life crisis, perhaps. Staleness in the bedroom with my husband. Busy lives that created an emotional and physical disconnect.

4) Would you say that you are in an emotional affair or are you in it purely for the sex?

Definitely both. Started out, on my end, as purely sexual. But it quickly became emotional as well because my other man and I have so much in common.

5) What impact has having an affair had on your marriage? Has it improved it? Made it worse? Not sure yet. The affair is only 6 months old and for most of it, my other man and I have been thousands of miles apart. Until very recently, we had only had two face-to-face encounters. Lots of texting, emailing and phone calls have sustained us through the distance.

6) How often do you get so see your affair partner? Where do you typically meet?

Not enough, unfortunately. Living in different states, we will be able to see each other every 6-8 weeks, thanks to mutually demanding careers that allow us to meet in various cities for several days at a time. Given this, we typically meet in hotels, and are free to go out to dinner, museums, etc. together without worrying too much about running into anyone we know.

7) Have you ever been caught or had a close call?

No, although my husband has been noticeably more possessive lately and I am worried that he senses something. I am trying very hard to maintain normalcy to prevent any detection, which is not in anyone’s interest.

8) What precautions do you take to ensure you maintain secrecy?

I have a special email account that only my other man knows about, and vice versa. I delete them shortly after reading. My husband knows the other mans name because we collaborate on professional issues and I don’t want to “hide” his identity– doing so would only create suspicion. I work mostly with men, so to my husband, he is just another male colleague.

9) Do you ever feel guilty? If so, how do you manage those feelings?

In the very beginning, the guilt was quite strong. I essentially broke up with him because of it. But after a few weeks of reflection, I realized that he made me happy and whole again. I missed his friendship, so we got back together. Since then, I have worked very hard to keep guilt at bay and, for the most part, have been successful.

When I start feeling guilty, I just remind myself that, so long as no one knows, it isn’t hurting anyone. So it’s really important not to get caught. I also tell myself that my other manprovide my life with balance, allowing me to feel whole again, and maybe in a perverse way making my marriage more stable.

10) What’s the best and worst part about being in an affair?

Best parts:  great sex (though in a long-distance affair, it’s not nearly often enough); friendship; someone to tell everything to; someone who doesn’t judge you; someone for whom you don’t have to be “perfect” or infallible– you just have to be your flawed, selfish self–and they totally understand. Stolen moments of sheer joy and companionship. Intellectual exchange.

Worst parts: guilt; the realization that there is no “real” future together because of circumstances; the inability to be together whenever wanted; wishing you could crawl into bed with them at night but you cannot.
11) Where do you hope your relationship is headed/what are your  expectations. If you weren’t married, could you see yourself being with your affair partner?

This has been one of the things I’ve struggled with. The funny thing is that while I truly think I love my other man, I see all his flaws and wouldn’t want to have to be his wife. That’s kind of sad in a way, since women are programmed to believe that if they really love someone, they will want to marry them. But when you are already married to a great person and stray anyway, this traditional understanding flies out the window and creates a weird combination of sadness and regret.

Are you interested in being interviewed anonymously? Check here for details.

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About Administrator

As the administrator of the site, Doccool has has been witness to more than two thousand people involved in affairs that have shared their experiences on the site since 2008. When not studying the secret world of adultery, he enjoys spending time with friends and family at his home somewhere in central Canada. You can follow him on Twitter.

11 Responses to The Secret Affair Interviews #12

  1. Ms 40 June 24, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    Please read and share my experience.

  2. Latisha July 10, 2011 at 6:15 am #

    I feel you dear. Your story is very similar to mine. The only thing that keeps my in my current marriage are my kids. And I haven’t found a man that would make me completely happy yet. They are all good in some areas, but none of them is a complete package. Still looking. Good luck to you and take care.

  3. earlybird October 10, 2011 at 3:57 am #

    I wonder if the “other man” is married? I am 37 and have been married for 5 years and can relate to everything the interviewee shared here, with the exception that i see my lover fairly often because we live less than 5 miles apart. Because of this geographic proximity, it has hurt my marriage, which was rocky in the first place. It has made me purposely keep my husband at a convenient emotional distance because i have feelings for this other person. Because i have made the decision from the start that i will not get a divorce and do that kind of damage on both our extended families, i am living with the knowledge that someday i will have to let my “lover” go because he is single and he needs to move on with his life, too.

    Some people may think it’s great to have a husband and someone else on the side, but that’s not how i see it. feels like i have two halves and i’d rather have one whole relationship.

  4. Alyx March 2, 2012 at 9:36 pm #

    Selfish, it hurts sooo much to find your spouse has cheated, and the reality is, eventually they will find out. The pain is unimaginable to the one cheated on. you never heal, you’re wondering whats wrong with me, why would he do this, how could he hurt me this bad. How can he still say he loves me. I read all this in hopes I’ll find someway to understand, but the truth is, i dont. It seems cowardly and selfish that rather than fix your problems at home, you go our and try to fill it in such a disasterous way.

    I just don’t understand you people at all.

  5. Wildwoman April 4, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

    I really feel for all women who need the extra something that only by having an affair can provide. I have found myself in the same boat recently, not good for me perosnally as it seems that I have feelings.. and he does not.. Ouch!

    Oh, can somebody tell me how to register for the forum, wont let me contact any admin either for help :( I would love to share my experience and stories!!

  6. Isabella May 20, 2012 at 1:29 am #

    I can completely relate to your story. It is so crazy…this whole experience. My husband is a good man. We had an issue in our marriage and instead of dealing with it, I ran to another man to get validation. On the other hand, I feel like if my husband had met me halfway then I wouldn’t have gone outside my marriage.

    My emotions run to the extremes depending on the attention that my husband and my lover give me. I don’t have the courage or strength to leave either one. And, to be quite honest, I don’t want to.

  7. Sarah May 30, 2012 at 4:01 am #

    I found this fascinating! And I agree…the hardest part is the wishing. For the women, typically, anyway!

  8. Alice July 27, 2012 at 7:04 am #

    Alyx, my heart goes to you. My husband cheated on me and two years has passed, but it is still vividly painful. I have been searching for websites that can tell me how to heal. Initially, it may work for a few days, then the pain returns. This cycle keeps going on. So, I thought, by knowing the other side of the coin may help? That’s how I came to this website and all I see is excuses.

  9. Andy August 14, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

    People who cheat are selfish and have serious character flaws.

    If one craves sexual variety because they are easily bored and can’t manage to find more intellectual ways to keep themselves entertained, than why marry at all. No need to even if you want kids in today’s society.

    Only a selfish person would risk exposing an innocent spouse to a serious life threatening STD or the pain of learning of the infidelity.

    Most cheaters, too, hate to be cheated on, even by their cheating affair partner. That shows how unrealistic and abnormal their thinking is.

    Cheating usually involves stealing money from a spouse in various form, lying to a spouse repeatedly and being very devious.

    Deviants are devious.

    And, a lot of people claim they have affairs so they can do thing with strangers that they would never do with their spouse. The sexual thrill surpass their love for their spouse so greatly that they are willing to risk a lot to get their sexual thrill.

    The incident of cheating woman is on the rise, too. So, a lot more men are feeling the sting of betrayal these days.

    It’s sad that they have sites like these and we can see just how many people have their head up their genitals so much that they don’t care about the harm they cause to their families. So sad.

  10. ross September 6, 2012 at 3:53 am #

    I read your answers to those questions with interest , being clouded with hurt , my wife had an affair several years ago and even after being caught out she just dismissed it as of no consequence as far as our marriage was concerned .

    She refused to tell me anything about it and expected me to just forget that it happened , well the only thing that kept us together from my stand point was our children and sadly my response to her was that if it was not for the children i wished we had never meet . Sadly i have wasted most of my adult life with a woman that i cannot trust and to me trust is everything in a relationship

    I can only hope you come to your senses , be honest with your husband , ” the real important thing is not to get caught ” so lying , cheating and being unfaithful is quite ok for you , i hope your husband does the same thing to you

    When you get caught and you eventually will , don’t say ‘” It didn’t mean anything ” i feel so sorry for your husband to be married to you

  11. Thy September 22, 2012 at 8:04 am #

    i also having an affair and got caught.i never have been unhappy like now.i have to make decision to let go one but i can’t do it.i warning all woman who thinking to go for affair please don’t do is not worth it and give you more can go for 1 night stand and never contact him again which is better option,don’t ever fall in love with him.i wishes i can take back everything which i did.If you have problem in your marriage then face it and fix it.If it does not work anymore then u can become single and date another guy.i married to the greatest man ever and my lover is also great but i don’t see good future with my lover.i get myself fall in my own trap.

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