My Husband Has Been Depressed For Years
1) Age, sex, marital status
30, female, married
2) When did you first begin your affair? How did you meet your affair partner?
About six weeks ago. He is a co-worker and friendly acquaintance of my husband’s. I realized I was attracted to him early in the summer of ’11, it became a full blown infatuation by fall, and finally that winter I told my husband about my infatuation and proposed that things in our marriage needed to change. I was dying from the lack of passion, attraction, connection! So I blocked the other man on my social-network profile, stopped seeing him socially, started lining up dates with my husband, lost a few pounds, read marriage books, etc. Basically just worked at my marriage for a few months but nothing seemed to improve, really. I was STILL hopelessly infatuated. Just hearing someone mention his name in passing would turn me on. I could still remember every detail of every time he looked into my eyes.
Then one night my husband invited him over. I freaked out and started drinking, and after a few drinks I told the other guy how I felt… I needed either rejection or reciprocation, as living in limbo was simply intolerable. He promptly gave me the most amazing kiss I had ever had in my life. I resisted one last time… held out for nearly a week! But it was pretty much all over after that.
3) What were the circumstances that led you to having an affair?
I wonder if I’m sort of a chronic cheater, to be honest. I cheated on my first husband with my current one, but that marriage really, really sucked and was very short-lived. My current, 8-year-old marriage is actually not bad! I do, and did, yearn for passion, and often find married life mind-bogglingly BORING. I don’t really care about interior decorating or shoe-shopping or making fancy cupcakes– the things that seem to be the lifeblood of good married women! but I do love amazing sex and appreciate intelligent, gorgeous men. It aggravates me that my husband has let himself GO so much!!! He’s been depressed for years, and in some ways the treatment for that depression has been worse than the ailment itself.
But he is fundamentally a great, great guy. Sweet, dotes on me and our children… he’s a lot of women’s dream, i’m sure. Maybe I’m just not cut out for marriage.
4) Would you say that you are in an emotional affair or are you in it purely for the sex?
Initially much more for the (hot! extraordinary!) sex, though of course I am coming to appreciate how smart the boy is, and how caring. And… the other day I caught myself *snuggling* and could feel those warm, sedating chemicals washing over me. That wasn’t about sex– THAT was more dangerous than sex! So now there is an emotional angle developing. Hmmm.
5) What impact has having an affair had on your marriage? Has it improved it? Made it worse?
Not much at present. I am doing my best not to let my feelings about the boy interfere with giving affection and sex to the husband. Sometimes it’s not easy but so far I’m doing ok with it. Men have been compartmentalizing affairs for generations, and I’m learning the art. I always try to remember that I see the Boy at his best, most charming, well-rested, CLEANEST, and that what I have with the husband is marriage: Warts And All. If their positions were reversed, I think my lover would be fat, happy, and complacent, and my husband would be the passionate, immaculately groomed lover who hits the gym five days a week.
6) How often do you get so see your affair partner? Where do you typically meet?
Often, right now. Three or four times a week. Gulp. We live about five minutes apart, so it’s easy to pop by for a delightful stolen 90 minutes before I go grocery shopping, or to the doctor, or to the gym, or if my husband has had too much to drink and is passed out and I’m alone on a Friday night…. we almost always meet at his house.
7) Have you ever been caught or had a close call?
8) What precautions do you take to ensure you maintain secrecy?
We communicate thru email. Delete, delete, delete, and LOG OUT. And use the “private browsing” feature whenever possible. I hardly used to check my email and don’t want my history to reveal a sudden interest in it.
9) Do you ever feel guilty? If so, how do you manage those feelings?
Yes, but less now than before the affair, weirdly. I guess… I think it’s silly to expect a marriage to be all things to both people, through all its years. It is miserable to expect one person to stuff their feelings and desires for years on end… yet divorce seems overkill, as marriage is as much about the family/kids/extended family as about the feeeeeelings of the two people involved. Much of marriage has NOTHING to do with the two people’s feelings, actually. lol My Boy gives me something I am not getting from my marriage right now, and does it in a way that helps preserve those other aspects. For instance, my kids don’t care if I’m “happy” in life, just that they have their family as they have always known it.
I still care about being “happy” though, so… here I am.
10) What’s the best and worst part about being in an affair?
Best part: feeling PASSION again. Desire that’s not just about “getting off” for the week, but about actually wanting the other person. And being actively wanted. I don’t care what the marriage books say: getting a hobby is not an adequate substitute for having that kind of passion in your sex-life.
Worst part: the goddamn sneaking around. The knowledge that all it would take is ONE person to drive by and see my car there, and the whole thing would blow up horribly. Knowing that “we” don’t have any kind of future, as I am moving soon and there is no “we.” Though in a way that is a relief, as I don’t think I’ve got the chops to keep up a multi-year affair anyway. I hope that I never have an affair again, it is exhausting!
Are you interested in being interviewed anonymously? Check here for details.