My Marriage Is Toxic
1) Age, sex, marital status
27, female, married for 7 years
2) When did you first begin your affair? How did you meet your affair partner?
Only a few short weeks ago. I met him at a social networking event at a bar, we just politely introduced ourselves at the time, it wasn’t until later online that we started flirting and that’s when the attraction grew.
3) What were the circumstances that led you to having an affair?
Neither of us were looking, but once he started giving me the attention I crave from my husband, my attraction grew exponentially. My first instinct was to run because it all seemed too good to be true. I didn’t know men like this existed outside of romantic movies. He is a type of guy I’ve always wanted but after a while I gave up and settled for my husband.
4) Would you say that you are in an emotional affair or are you in it purely for the sex?
Very emotional. I would go as far to say that I have fallen madly in love. Very quickly. I feel like a teenager again and sometimes it still almost doesn’t even seem real, but when I stare in his eyes I see how honest and real he is. The sex part is slow and still awkward on my end, I have a lot of guilt about it. It is getting better though.
5) What impact has having an affair had on your marriage? Has it improved it? Made it worse?
I would say it has been a revealing experience for me. I feel like the wool has finally been yanked off my eyes and I’m coming out of a state of denial about how good my marriage was. We fight all the time, but that’s how I was raised and I am realizing that it’s not normal. We are so dysfunctional together and toxic to each other. I am preparing to leave my marriage, not for the other guy, but for myself and my daughter, because it’s the right thing to do.
6) How often do you get so see your affair partner? Where do you typically meet?
Three times a week, while my daughter is in school. I meet him at his house but if we are planning on staying then I park a few blocks away.
7) Have you ever been caught or had a close call?
Yes. I made the stupid mistake of trusting my sister in law…who also happens to be my best friend. I know she cheated on her boyfriend last summer when she was visiting us in Texas, and she knows I could get her in big trouble. She knows I kissed this guy but that’s it…and she told my husband. Now I am not allowed to go out unless he doesn’t know about it. So no nights, weekends, anything like that. He is pretty upset but our marriage is failing anyway.
8) What precautions do you take to ensure you maintain secrecy?
I should be a bit more careful. I did change all my passwords, and make sure I log out of everything. I also put a lock code on my phone. I try not to text while my husband is in the room.
9) Do you ever feel guilty? If so, how do you manage those feelings?
I have extreme guilt…it’s really making me hold back. My husband financially provides for me so I feel awful that I am taking advantage of him. I have no family nearby and am basically just trying to do what I can to survive. I am going back to school to finish my degree in the meantime so that I can become financially independent enough to leave and be able to support my daughter on my own. I am so scared I will get caught and kicked out before then.
10) What’s the best and worst part about being in an affair?
The best part is having the man of my dreams…The worst part is being stuck here with an an emotionally and verbally abusive husband, and having my heart grow so cold to him.
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