I Am A Single Man In Love With A Married Woman

In love with a married womanSo, I am a single man in love with a married woman. On the surface, it seems like EVERYTHING in my relationship is going my way. We are closer than ever. We have gotten past some very dangerous landmines. We are communicating constantly. We see each other 4-5 times per week (sometimes more) for a few hours each time. Our physical relationship is hotter than ever. Our emotional connectedness is at an all time high and gets stronger by the day. My affair partner has begun individual counseling to try to find some clarity regarding our situation. She has already told me that when she thinks about the future, she is thinking about me/us and not him. She has told me that she would rather be with me than him. She has told me that she knows her real happiness can only be achieved with me. She accepts that her marriage is nothing more than a good friendship and always has been. She’s felt “trapped” there for years. He’s a good dude. Boring, bland, passionless, but good. And she’s struggling with how she can walk in and just destroy his world. She knows her family (and his) will be devastated and very disappointed in her. She acknowledges that she’s lived a majority of her life trying to make other people happy and “do the right thing” and never put her own happiness first. My belief (confirmed by her words) is that she is going to counseling to try to figure out how to navigate the end of a relationship she’s been in for half of her life.

So, what’s my problem??

Well, it would appear that I have run out the string on being in a secondary relationship. I knew early on that I am not cut out for being in an affair. The secrets, the hiding, the lying, the denial, the stolen moments, becoming someone whose behavior does not match one’s self-image or presumed values… in general, the cognitive dissonance an affair requires. I can’t keep it going. I am meant to be open and honest. I am meant to celebrate my love; not hide it away.

So much in the moment is wonderful and happy and the momentum has definitely swung mightily in my direction. And yet I find myself “sweating the small stuff.” For instance, leaving her at night knowing she will be in his bed. Knowing the distance between her shower and her clothes/closet and that there is no privacy. And knowing that she is trying to keep everything the same so he doesn’t suspect anything which means his All Access Pass is still active. Granted, she told me a month ago that there had been no desire or intimate activity since she met me. But I am afraid to ask if that holds true. Besides, it’s the simple things that get me. The most mundane details of daily existence are the threads that bind us. He’s got them and I don’t. He’s the one who goes to the grocery store with her. He’s the one driving her to do her shopping and then carrying her bags while she shops. He’s the one whose opinion she solicits regarding how that shirt or those jeans look on her. He’s still the one who hears that familiar intimacy in her voice when she’s talking about the details of daily life. That magic fiber that binds us together. Add to the fact that new years eve found them in NYC for the ball drop; another one of her “bucket list” experiences that she, yet again, ticked off with him. Granted, they were with several of our mutual friends. And she promised that there was no midnight kiss. But, I was miserable just the same. I missed something else that she will remember for the rest of her life.

The secrets, the hiding, the lying, the denial, the stolen moments, becoming someone whose behavior does not match one’s self-image or presumed values…

We’ve discussed “taking a break” after January (which will still give us time to experience some things we already had planned). We’ve talked about what that looks like (no contact or just greatly reduced contact?) but made no decisions. Ostensibly it is to give her time to tend to the details of unraveling her current long-term relationship. That’s no easy task. But, in truth, it’s for me as much as it is her. I can’t take the torture. And it is, indeed, torture. Self-torture. She does everything right. She tries to protect me as much as she can. It’s my own mind and imagination that assails me. I need to let go and try to quiet my mind. I need to fill that space with something else.

Yes, the tide has turned and I feel like it’s a matter of time before EVERYTHING changes. And yet I still feel my skin crawling every time I think of the little things. And I don’t know how to stop it. And I don’t know how much longer I can take it. And I want it all to be worked out… yesterday.


I’ve read through most of the comments. It actually amuses me a bit to see such certainty and judgment from some of the commenters who have no idea about the details of my situation. YOUR blanket doesn’t cover me. Like Robert Browning’s “The Last Duchess,” the narrative reveals more about the speaker than the “duchess.” Your filters reveal your experiences and biases but have nothing to do with me and my situation.

A few weeks after this story was posted, we took a trip out of town for a week together. The day we came back home, she told her husband about us and asked him to move to his parents’ house. That week, she told her family. As expected, she got little support or understanding. She withdrew from some friends for similar reasons. It was a very private and isolating time. During this time, we spent more time together than ever. It was a relief to know that our “secret” was known. We were being honest.

In the couple of months since then, she has had some setbacks due to medical reasons but we are together and stronger than ever. He is still not living in their home and they are having an ongoing discussion about the end of their marriage.

Despite some of the vitriolic (and inane) comments, she is trying to be respectful about the way she ends the marriage. She is doing everything she can to not cause him more pain than necessary. He did nothing wrong and he is a nice guy. I’ve met with him and apologized for the way things transpired. The situation is much more nuanced and sophisticated than it would appear some of the commenters are able to process.

We’re not “there” but we’re well on our way. We are trying to be honest with everyone involved. It is a difficult situation. Life is messy. And it is tough to find one’s self in a position of cognitive dissonance and self-recrimination. The only way to handle it with dignity is to try to treat everyone involved with respect and honesty. Knowing that something you must do in order to seek your own happiness will directly cause pain for someone else you care about is not an easy thing to do. Handling an emotionally difficult situation with grace and elegance rather than clumsy self-absorption requires care and precision. And it is not an exact science. You don’t always get it right. But you must forge ahead with an eye toward healing – for everyone. In order to come on the other side of the experience with your self-esteem intact and any sense of dignity will require patience and fortitude. And there will be plenty of times when both of those are in short supply.

You just have to take it one step at a time and give all parties involved time to process the new paradigm and readjust their presuppositions. Everyone involved, on either side of the equation, is involved in the journey together whether they like it or even acknowledge it. It really is an exercise in pain management.

The road ahead is long and winding. It won’t be easy. Then again, the road behind us wasn’t, either. But the reward at the end is happiness. It is knowing that we have found the one with whom our soul connects.

Anyone who looks at an affair with a simplistic “black and white” filter is doing a disservice to the human spirit… and to themselves and those around them. Life is messy. And life is beautiful. Tragedy and comedy.



So, we’re moving forward. She filed for divorce. She’s signed a lease on a new townhouse. She’ll be moving there in a few weeks. I’ll help her get settled there. After she’s had a few transitional months to herself, I’ll join her there and our life together will officially begin. We’ve been picking out furniture and home décor. Her family is starting to accept the way things are. They haven’t completely come around but they are making motions in that direction. They finally admitted that they knew the marriage was in trouble for years despite the calm appearance. But the reality of the change is still emotional and raw.

It has been a long and arduous journey. The end is near. Very near. We know the date the divorce will be final. We know where she will live. And we are making all the necessary life changes to be ready for our life together. Finally.

Here’s to happy endings!



Well, she’s been divorced for about 9 months now. After a couple of months of her living alone, I began staying over more and more. I’ve been essentially living with her for about 6 months. We have discussed our intention to marry, but we haven’t firmed up any plans.

There were some very emotional times. She has struggled with guilt over how things transpired. There were some bumpy times with her family. But, we stood strong. Her family is starting to accept me now.

He is finally in a new relationship, too, so that may help everyone involved move forward.



We’re in the home stretch now. She’s been divorced for nearly 2 years. We’ve lived together for about a year and a half. And a few days ago… we got married!

We’ve done our due diligence. We’ve been in counseling both individually and together. We’ve sat through some difficult conversations with people (read: family) that has been affected by everything. We’ve read self-help books. We’ve attended relationship seminars. We’ve aired it out. We’re working hard on our foundation so we don’t repeat past mistakes.

Her ex-husband has moved on with a new relationship. They’ve been living together for about a year now, too. At this point, it appears that things are better all the way around, for all concerned. He is in a new relationship with someone who thought she was too old to find love again. He has someone who is happy to be with him and shares his values. My lady and I get to be with the love of our lives.

I totally realize that we went about things entirely the wrong way. No question. However, this may be a case of “all’s well that ends well.” I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Ever.

I guess the reason I wrote this in the beginning , and the reason I’ve continued to update it, is that I know I’m not the only one to experience this. It’s a universal experience. I wanted to share the entire journey. I had no way of knowing how it would turn out. But I was determined to document the experience to share with anyone else who may be feeling the things I was a couple of years ago. My hope is that it helps open eyes on any side of the equation.

Reading some of the comments, I realize that we all have our own filters in place and may be incapable of being objective about any of it. Fair enough. But all is not lost. A seed can be sown. And maybe, just maybe, the next time something like this comes up… you’ll remember something I’ve shared here and have a slightly different perspective.

Here’s to happy endings!



Our affair started 5 years ago. We’ve been married for the last 2 years. Life’s pretty great these days.

I keep updating this in hopes someone who reads it will gain a little more insight and receive the benefit of my experience.

It was a brutal situation that I would not survive again. But the end result is true happiness.

My advice regarding affairs is to not have one. Period. Take care of your business, end any pre-existing relationships before starting another. I realize that life is messy and sometimes we get ahead of ourselves. But as soon as you recognize the situation for what it is, back up. Get your steps in order ASAP. It’s best for everyone involved. Especially your future relationship should you choose to move forward with it.

An affair can be devastating and painful. But it’s not the end of the world. It just changes your world.

Create boundaries for yourself. Boundaries communicate value. They convey self-respect. Be kind to yourself and those around you.

I wish you all happiness and balance in your lives!

Share This Post

, ,

109 Responses to I Am A Single Man In Love With A Married Woman

  1. Cheatersarecowards January 24, 2013 at 2:40 am #

    Let me just say this to you in a clear cut manner: this is married woman is a woman that has lied and cheated on her husband. If she is lying and cheating on him, she is DEFINITELY lying and cheating on you too. With him. Her husband. This woman is all sorta screwed up. She does not want to leave her husband. And she definitely wants to keep you on the sidelines for when she wants to play. At your expense and her husband’s. she is using MNIT!!!! And you let her knowing she has been stringing you along. And for what???? She used and abused her husband and you.. You see, she wants both!!! If her husband was so bad as she says, she would have left. But no, she whines and complains to get your sympathy. A pathetic damsel in distress. And you are her white knight coming to save her from a passionless, boring, but nice mate. YOU are truly the one for her!!!! And you so desperately want to believe.
    And yet…. There’s the “small stuff”… That ain’t small stuff, those are your instincts firing away SCREAMING at you that this situation is wrong. You are really being strung along. Lied to. Cheated on. She definitely kissed her husband at midnight and they screwed that night to… Hello!!! Cheaters lie, cheat, and steal to maintain their setup. The easy sex, attention, and admiration. Is this what you really want to be a beck and call boy??? Or a healthy love, a reciprocal love, based on honesty, loyalty, trust, respect, etc??? If she ended up leaving her husband (she won’t), you will always live with the fact she cheated with you and on you… When is she going to do it again? An you live with that?
    Go into therapy yourself. Please love and respect yourself enough to leave that manipulative loser. Cut her cold turkey. Develop boundaries as to what you will/will not except. That type of treatment is bullshit. She will continue to manipulate you, abuse you, and hurt you because you allow her to.

    • Wisdom Beyond Years December 20, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

      This is simply not true about her always being a cheater. Please try to not be so judgmental of others, I’m sure you’re not perfect.

    • Scott February 19, 2014 at 5:57 pm #

      Amen to you brother!!! I was in an affair and truly in love, we made plans to be together but they never happened. The thing about an affair you want to believe them, however your behavior changes and doubt sets in. I found myself attempting to “catch her” with her husband, and I did. I felt like such a chump, she broke up my marriage for her selfish lies. I told her when I ended things I did not know how I will remember her, that statement hit home. So here I am, very distrusting of women, I can say with absolute honesty my intent was to follow my heart with this woman, but in the end she showed me her true colors. I find these days its best to be alone, that way no one can hurt you. My x-wife hurt me greatly, and my ” true love” fed me lies for three years. Never again.

      • MyNameIsTOM July 31, 2015 at 2:54 am #

        “So here I am, very distrusting of women…” See, the thing is – we are ALL dealing with a full range of emotions and none of us is fully in control of ourselves. We do the best we can to figure things out and choose our actions wisely. But life is fluid, dynamic, and messy.

        If you are not trustworthy, don’t hold it against someone for also being untrustworthy.

        The only thing you can manage… is you. Try to work on that and the rest will take care of itself.

      • Chesnutred January 6, 2016 at 7:58 am #

        Wait…weren’t you cheating on YOUR wife with this ‘love of your life’?
        And YOURE mistrusting of WOMEN??
        You’re no better than either of them so own up!

        • MyNameIsTOM January 11, 2016 at 7:17 pm #

          He never said he cheated on his wife and never said he was better than anyone. Pay attention.

    • Mark June 25, 2015 at 6:50 am #

      I think…u r very religious guy…could not handle…woman making her own choice and correcting her own mistakes…. We usually lie to person we don’t feel in tune with….who don’t understand us…then we give excuse… Not to them who understand us…and he spent long time with her……liar changes their partner too often…they don’t take real risks…like giving divorce… Moving in with someone for too long…

      • MyNameIsTOM July 31, 2015 at 2:51 am #

        I think you know nothing of me. I make every attempt to support her and help her become more assertive about her own feelings and choices.

        Your incoherent ramblings are too difficult to decipher. The summary of them is that you are confused and probably hurt. I’m sorry that has been your experience.

    • Guy1969 September 29, 2015 at 2:24 am #

      Thanks for sharing this. I am in a similar situation and was thinking that I was being weird for thinking similarly

    • MICHAEL November 4, 2017 at 2:21 am #


  2. pat January 26, 2013 at 7:12 am #

    Cheatersarecowards assumes the worst. I have been in the women’s shoes and never thought the way this guy discribes.

    • Cheatersarecowards January 26, 2013 at 12:51 pm #

      If you are screwing two people at the same time, and trying to balance two relationships, you are using the two people, pat. Bottom line. If your SO/spouse doesn’t know about you having sex and emotionally investing outside the relationship/marriage, you are a a coward and putting abusing them.
      Your AP you are stringing along and if they knowingly delved into the relationship with you knowing you were committed to someone else then shame on them too. You both order shit for lunch? You eat it. And if the meal tastes like shit? Ummm… Duh! Of course it does, you two ordered it. Consequences are shit for everyone involved. MNIT wants this cheater to leave her husband, she won’t. He wants to be with her exclusively, but he selfishly became involved with this man’s wife and had no right to.. Now he is tangled up in a mess he wishes he wasn’t. I did not assume the worst. The worst is happening. He explained his situation, not me. I just spelled it out for him since AP’s are looking for that fairy tale ending… Instead he are a load of shit and is now dealing with the repercussions.

    • David January 30, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

      Maybe not on a conscious level.

      You are likely in denial about who you are.

      Cheaters are, by dictionary definition, liars, thieves, and deceivers.

      They only care about their own selfish pleasures and don’t care who they hurt to get it.

      If you are unhappy in a marriage, there is a simple legal solution.

      It is called a divorce.

      Most cheaters are too cowardly to divorce. They want their security at home and their lust on the side.

  3. corpgf January 30, 2013 at 5:23 pm #

    I am a single woman in love with a married man. Your words are my words.

    It’s the day to day things I miss. I want to spend the night with him. I would care less if they were having sex than I do about them sleeping in the same bed. Having been married I can comprehend the “there is nothing going on at home” situation. My ex H and I both worked at home and spent 23 hours a day together and still would go weeks without even hugging.

    I’ve overheard phone conversations and read emails he’s forwarded to me from her. I know there is a very broken relationship there. I don’t believe I have the whole picture of what is going on there, but I do know that he makes an effort to see me 26/30 days a month. He calls and texts all the time. When he goes on business trips, I am by his side. When he runs his marathons, I am the one at the finish line.

    He says he stays for his kids and I believe him. She’s been a SAHM for 20 years and I admire the fact that he’s kept his commitment to take care of her regardless of his feelings for her because of some woman he met on the internet less than a year ago.

    I believe most of what he says, but I am quite sure that he’s told me lies as well. He lies to her, he lies to me, he lies to himself. It is the nature of the beast I presume.

    Good luck

    • David January 30, 2013 at 6:39 pm #


      You sound like pat, in denial and full of canned excuses manufactured to support your infidelity.

      Yes. he has told you lies.

      Why would you then admire him for anything. He lies to you and he lies to his wife and he lies to his children. Wow, what a man!

    • Cheatersarecowards January 30, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

      Liar, liar pants on fire! This guy is a classic cheater!!! Stays for the kids? His wife is a SAHM and feels obligated to stay to financially support her? What a crock!!! Ass clown. If he wanted to leave, he could. He could pay her good alimony and CS in divorce settlement. She deserves it after being a SAHM for 20 years. She sacrificed her own career and getting ahead to support his career and raise their family. Very noble. But he does not need to stay to support his family.. He is cheating on his family after all. He is not supporting them, he is betraying them!!
      He stays because he likes his security at home. He loves to boink you and then go home and boink his wife. Great set up. For him.
      Why are AP’s so damn desparate?? You are a single woman!!! Find a real man that will treat you right and none of the damn drama am affair brings into your life!!! Have some self-respect and dignity woman!!!! Stand up for yourself and leave this jackass!

      • corpgf January 31, 2013 at 5:33 am #


        Who hurt you?

        The state we live in is no alimony and has a cap on child support. Having been a wife I can appreciate how her life changes. Sure, he can set her up nicely, but why disrupt the family if this affair isn’t going anywhere long term? Time will sort it out.

        • Cheatersarecowards January 31, 2013 at 12:47 pm #

          He can set up her up nicely. Perfect. He is already disrupting his family. He is betraying them with you. Duh! Time will not sort it out. Time will continue to make it worse. Once his wife finds out the truth, and she will, in time … It will blow up in his face. And he will lie, lie, lie .. To her, to you.. Why? Because he is a weakling. A coward. A selfish man.
          And you? Why stay with such a pathetic person? Don’t you have standards?

  4. Cheatersarecowards January 31, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    Don’t you find it gross to “share” someone you are “in love” with? I find it vile. And his wife isn’t even aware that she is!!!!! That is what I feel angry about. You consciously want some other woman’s husband and sitting their pining away for him when HE is with his FAMILY? Poaching someone else’s spouse/partner is so sad. He chooses to cheat.. Absolutely. But you are a weak woman to allow yourself to stoop so low as to hurt a family and an unsuspecting wife. A connection, a great connection can be found with various people. Love can be found with various people. But this is selfishness, lust, and greed at it’s worst.
    How secure in this relationship would you be if he chose you tomorrow? He cheated with you and on you already.. What would stop him from doing so again? How can you build a solid relationship with someone when the foundation is lies, deceit, not honoring commitment, boundaries, disrespect, sneaking around, dishonesty, and cheating.
    You can find a real love with someone that is based on reciprocity, respect, commitment, honesty, truth, security, stability, romance, loyalty, companionship. You have settled for so much less corpgf. You compromise yourself staying with the loser.
    Please. Do yourself a favor. Leave that abusive ass clown. Send an anonymous message to the wife and tell her the truth. She has a moral right to know about what he has been up to. And then she can make an informed decision on what she wants to do.
    Affairs are messy. The AP is desparate for crumbs, they settle. Don’t do it. Don’t be weak. Don’t be somebody’s plaything. Be authentic. Be strong. Be a woman that is a leading lady.

    • david May 11, 2013 at 3:06 pm #

      In just about all the responses I see on here, I see people making a ton of assumptions about the people in the relationships. Not all, but a lot. I love a married women that has a little boy. Her husband is really bad to her a d his son. Does not take care of them and is never there. He is mentally abusive to her and he ended up in jail one night over domestic violence. He gets what he wants by threatening suicide all the time. I feel sorry for her. I love her and want to be there for her. She loves me too. It just got hard for me cause he stopped ” working ” (not making any money) out of town so we dont get to see each other much anymore. He cheats on her a lot. She wants to leave him but wants to talk to a lawyer first cauze shes afraid he might try to use his grandparents money to get custody of her boy. (Just to get back at her or manipulate her to stay with him) Now that he is home all the time, she doesnt have a chance to talk to lawyer. She wants to find legal aid or a pro bono lawyer cause she has no money. I told her how hard it is on me and she said shes giving herself a 2 month deadline to leave him. Shes scared to leave him and I dont blame her. I just dont know if I can handle 2 more months of the women I love being in bed with him. I miss her so much and hate that I cant help her. He controls her all the time to an absurd degree. Shes afraid that if we get caught, it will make it more likely for him to get custody. And his grandparents know people in the legal system that could pull strings for them possibly. Im tired of all the heartless impersonal responses ive read on here. Show some compassion please.

    • geno July 3, 2014 at 12:43 pm #

      “You can find a real love with someone that is based on reciprocity, respect, commitment, honesty, truth, security, stability, romance, loyalty, companionship” YOU CAN??? NEVER FOUND IT AND I DO NOT SEE IT

  5. Corpgf January 31, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    You assume she doesn’t already know.

    I was married to “the perfect man” on paper. Followed all the rules, blah blah blah. He controlled every aspect of my life and eventually kicked me out of the house because I had drinks with my best friend at her house on her birthday without his permission. Then a month later asked me over for Christmas dinner, which I cooked, and after it was on the table kicked me out cuz I wouldn’t bang him in the laundry room.

    No one can figure out why I left a perfect gentleman for this asshole. Yeah, this guy has major issues, but at least I can see them a mile away.

    • David January 31, 2013 at 2:59 pm #


      Your post suggests you were in an abusive relationship.

      But being as you are making excuses for a married man who cheats I have to wonder If you are telling the truth.

      Maybe your husband kicked you out because you were flirting with other men or having an affair that you now lie about. Cheaters lie.

      Cheaters are dishonorable, disloyal people who will sell the gold in their grandmothers teeth for personal gain. So, forgive me if I question your story.

      People who cheat with a married man are also cheaters, even if they are single.

      They are cheaters and liars and poachers.

      This married man you accept into your bed has major personality issues and deficits, but so do you for being attracted to this type of person.

      Also your claim that this man’s affair isn’t disrupting his family is totally delusional.

      He is taking time from his wife and kids to date you? You don’t think that is a disruption.

      This guy is a loser and a coward and doesn’t want to have to pay child support for the rest of his life and divide his assets, if his wife finds out and divorces him, that is why he doesn’t divorce her.

      Please stop trying to turn his decision to not set his wife free to find a good man by divorcing her with something noble.

      This man is not noble, you are not star crossed lovers or soul mates, you do not have something special with him.

      All you are to this man is an easy lay, and far cheaper than a real dating relationship or using a prostitute.

  6. Corpgf January 31, 2013 at 3:30 pm #

    I never cheated on my husband. Didn’t meet the current AP until months after my marriage was over. As for me lying about my story, what would be the purpose? This is anonymous.

    • Cheatersarecowards January 31, 2013 at 4:52 pm #

      You left an abusive marriage for an abusive relationship. That is a cycle that will continue to destroy your well-being. Leave that cheating, weak, selfish ass, get some insight with a good counsellor, develop boundaries. And break the cycle of destruction. Leave the abusers behind.
      Get healthy.
      Don’t justify staying with a man that cheats on his family with you. Life is too precious to waste it on people that don’t value you, respect you, or love you. But you must start with valuing yourself, respecting yourself, and living yourself. How do you want to be treated? Hurting a family for your own selfish wants is disgusting. You can and should treat others with more respect and dignity.

  7. Cheatersarecowards January 31, 2013 at 4:54 pm #

    Starting with yourself. Today.

  8. Lysee February 14, 2013 at 5:02 pm #

    I am glad I found this post. It is eye opening into the mindset of my single exOM. We finally decided to end it because he couldn’t bear the jealousy and pain of sharing me any more. I knew it hurt him but until now didn’t realize that it was those stupid everyday things that really bothered him. He had mentioned it a few times but I didn’t understand until now why that mattered to him so much. You see I stopped having sex with my husband in an effort to try to give my OM some peace of mind. Sex only occured once every 2-3 months with my husband. I don’t need judgement here.

    The affair is over though my exOM can’t handle complete no contact so we stay in touch through texts. I try to minimize the contact and not reach out to him much but he does reach out to me. He’s very hurt and has cried several times when I try to cut him off completely. I found him on dating site and I see that’s a sign he’s moving which is bittersweet. I do love him but this whole situation just isn’t right for his or my well being.

    I’m now of the mindset that I do have to work on the issues that caused me to cheat in the first place. I’m not proud of what I did and never thought I would find my self in this situation but life does throw some pretty crazy curve balls at you.

    The hard part is that the “love” you feel during the affair is intoxicating and it makes it really hard to go back to the marriage that is boring in comparison to the affair. I feel addicted to this other man and struggle with daily fantasies of “what if” scenarios. I struggle with the feeling that I wish I could get a chance to be with this man. Totally confused and just wish this had never started in the first place.

    • Cheatersarecowards February 15, 2013 at 6:14 pm #

      I am not replying to your comment in judgement. What I will say is this:
      It is obvious you put more thought and concern for the boyfriend than you do your husband. Though your marriage is “boring”, your husband does not deserve this treatment. If you put a little more care and effort into your marriage as you do the boyfriend, you just might have a good marriage. The”love” you are talking about that you have with your boyfriend is the beginning stages of infatuation. The newness. Feeling butterflies. Lust. All very exciting. However, when you settle down with a person, spend years with a person, it becomes companionate love. A love that brings security, stability, of knowing your best friend and trusting each other. But it takes effort and a little fertilizing to keep your marriage exciting during the peaks and valleys of long term marriage.
      Passion fades Lysee. In every relationship. The newness does get old. But the depth and the character a marriage develops over time is a beautiful sight to see.
      If you don’t have what it takes or don’t want to invest in your faithful husband get out. He deserves a woman that will treat him with dignity and respect. If you do choose to work in your marriage, cut off the affair completely. Tell your husband the truth of your actions. Everything. Be prepared for him to experience shock, overwhelming pain, sadness, anger, hurt and devestating PTSD. But he just might be willing to give you another chance. Maybe not. Time for you to do the inner work and outer work of why you cheated.
      Don’t feel bad for your boyfriend. He am assuming he knew you were married and got involved anyway. Pretty selfish and stupid on his part. The outcome was never going to be a good one. He is a grown up and will have to deal the consequences of his actions. It isn’t your job to fix him or worry about him.
      Please do the inner work Lysee. You won’t change the cycle of bad behavior if you do not. Learn to live with honesty, integrity. Authentically. Good luck to Lysee. Hope all the best for you.

  9. The Married Woman February 16, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    I am a married woman that has met a single man online that I am falling in love with.
    We have not met because well —- I’m Married. As long as I’m married – there will be no meeting. My situation is that I do have an extremely emotionally abusive spouse. It’s been that way since the beginning. I never know whether he’s gentle Jeckyll or Horrible Hyde, but I respect the fact that I’m married and wish I hadn’t made the mistake of visiting chat rooms last year. You ask why I won’t leave — we have children and I’m disabled. My spouse is a great father but a horrible husband. Honestly I’m afraid he’d use my disability to try and take my children. He’s also abused me once in the past before marriage (although its been 13 years ago – the fear is there knowing that he IS capable of physical violence). So I walk in egg shells in my every day life. This man I met online is … Something I’ve never experienced. So… Before you say I’m selfish , or anything else think about what your saying. My husband has cheated several times over the years as well (at least twice for sure). I had never even contemplated or looked at another man until last year (13 yrs of marriage …18 years together)…I just got fed up — visited a chat room for the first time ..met this guy after visiting for several months. It started out just playful flirting then over time friendship. Now — we find ourselves talking love. He hates that I’m married and we both agree we should NEVER meet unless one day my situation changes. But we both also agree we could never stop communicating.

  10. CheatersArePeopleToo April 22, 2013 at 7:54 am #

    Cheatersarecowards , I feel a lot grudge for cheating people:
    “Maybe your husband kicked you out because you were flirting with other men or having an affair that you now lie about. Cheaters lie.”
    “Cheaters are dishonorable, disloyal people who will sell the gold in their grandmothers teeth for personal gain. So, forgive me if I question your story.”
    Seriously? How can you even say that?
    “They are cheaters and liars and poachers. ”
    I do not know who caused you so much pain and cheated on you, but it seems to me it clouds your judgment of how things really are… you see things very black and white – and that is never the case in real life.
    Please, I am not looking for a fight, but it is important to me to speak out for the other side.
    “The initial decision to be unfaithful is rarely ever a rational choice; instead infidelity is usually driven by circumstances and one’s emotions. In fact, most people are surprised by their own behavior at the start of an affair”
    (a quote from: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html)
    This, of course, does not mean cheaters are not responsible for their actions, but it does portray them differently that the: ” are dishonorable, disloyal people who will sell the gold in their grandmothers teeth for personal gain”, (you really went too far there.)
    Think about it, if the woman in question (I’m referring to MyNameIsTom’s love) has both a lover AND a husband admire her and love her, and want to be with her… you know what? Maybe she deserves it. Maybe she does possess a quality of worth, if she is admired so. Maybe she’s funny and intelligent and amazin in bed. Had she been the evil whore you claim her to be.. She wouldn’t be loved as much.
    Giving it some thought, I’m sure you’d agree, most affairs happen because you don’t get the emotional satisfaction from the relationship/marriage you are in.
    It starts because you’re boiling up with BOREDOM. (It takes a very determined person to break up on that ground. No one would JUST LEAVE cause they’re bored… but subconsciously you will start looking outside, instead of ways to keep your marriage working. It is as if you develop a grudge for your spouse for the emptiness you feel) So you lift the lid a bit – to blow the steam of tediousness in an adrenaline rush.
    And here comes the dilemma:
    Do I stay or do I go?
    Some might think: “It’s just a passing thing, it will end soon and I’ll go back to the boredom like nothing happened”
    And that is an option. But sooner or later you will find yourself needing excitment again..
    Because too many people are jumping into BORING relationships, while looking for TRUST & SECURITY, basing their marriage on FRIENDSHIP.
    And I say, fine, go ahead… This formula works better than many others
    This is officially the best formula for A COMFORTABLE QUIET LIFE. (or as CheatersAreWhores described it: “A love that brings security, stability, of knowing your best friend and trusting each other. But the depth and the character a marriage develops over time is a beautiful sight to see.”

    *SIGH* REALLY? Romantic much? I could never settle for being married to my best friend. I have my best friend to be my best friend. What I want from a partner is quite different. Friendship is but a fraction of it. That whole: “having a good companion-friend, is the best it can get in marriage” thing is NOT FOR EVERYONE.
    Don’t get me wrong – I’m not bashing comfort and serenity… I’m all for it if that’s what you’re looking for. But I am against the idea it is the best thing there is… the ONLY way there is to happiness.
    But of all the things you said, CheatersDeserveToDie, this one really makes me face palm:
    “He cheated with you and on you already.. What would stop him from doing so again? How can you build a solid relationship with someone when the foundation is lies, deceit, not honoring commitment, boundaries, disrespect, sneaking around, dishonesty, and cheating.”
    You can. You can BIG TIME.
    The best marriage I’m aware of, is of two people who did exactly that.
    Because, as a matter of fact, leaving the comfort and stability of a marriage, sacrificing it, only to be with the other person, creates a deeper bond between people, that all your silly vows and paper could. Whats more is that you both know what the other is capable of, and you work harder to keep your relationship going. Because you know the other person CAN and WILL leave a relationship, a marriage, a commitment if they’re not happy in it.
    The reason they are with you is because THEY WANT TO (not because they are used to, or feel legally obliged to make you comfortable, or because you have mortgage with them… but because they truly want to be with you.. and have proven so by making sacrifice and altering their lives.
    And here’s the necessary disclaimer: I do not promote cheating not do I claim all affairs are to end in great romance.
    What I do claim is: people who are cheating with one person are more than capable of committing themselves to another, and having an honest relationship with another person.
    Cheaters are not poachers. Your spouse is not your property. They’re free thinking people sucked into a grey ocean of boring everyday life. If you spend your time together watching movies and don’t have the slightest emotional desire to get sexy and romantic… it has started, one of you is BORING the other, and maybe it’s vice versa.
    Honestly though… I never understood why: “I’m bored with hier” does not carry the same accusative weight as “I can’t trust him”

    • Cheatersarecowards September 4, 2013 at 3:56 am #

      You know what is funny? It was the cheater spouse who was boring as hell in my relationship. Never wanted to go out, do anything, go on a vaca, hang out with friends, or me and our kids… Gained a ton of weight, neglected his looks during the affair(s).. I was so lonely, sad, depressed.
      I was the one suffocating w utter boredom and neglect and I still chose to be faithful. Why? because in marriage/partnership you give to help your spouse in love and commitment. Sorry, but I have news for you: all relationships and friendships can get boring. It takes effort from both parties to keep them alive. I thought the spouse needed understanding, love, patience, attention.. Naaaah…. Spouse was just out having a relationship and dicking around with someone else.
      After I found I could not trust spouse either? There was nothing to save. Neglect made sense. I took off. And have not looked back.
      Obviously, you put more weight on passion than commitment. I would say that cheaters typically do. I am for passion, romance, and adventure. Boring is not an adjective that people would use to describe my personality whatsoever.
      It takes effort to keep romance and passion alive in marriage. That is where the commitment comes in. That is where I put my weight. To the person I promised to be true and loving the day we exchanged vows.
      When I found out the spouse chose to step outside? Nope. Done. Bye.
      So I think your argument is full of shit where I am concerned.

      • MyNameIsTOM September 22, 2013 at 1:00 pm #

        And there it is. You finally admit the source of your vitriol. I’m sorry for your personal pain. I imagine it must be hell. However, the way you have chosen to deal with it is unhealthy. I really hope you seek counseling and find peace.

        • Cheatersarecowards September 26, 2013 at 3:10 am #

          Thank you for your kind words. I am in a better place and have found peace. I have not looked back. I do not regret being a good spouse in my marriage. And through overcoming this experience, I have learned to live in the present and be grateful for opportunities that have come into my life. A common misconception is that betrayed spouses are either weak, bitter, boring, dowdy, or whatever. And the cheating spouse was driven to cheat. But really whatever problems lie in a marriage or relationship, communication and working together or ending it is the healthy way to go about it before you begin a relationship with someone else. Life does not have to be so complicated.
          I want to point out that I am so outraged by people who cheat in 99% of cases is because it is abusive to their spouse/partner. That is all. I have spouted off enough already on why it is abusive. Good luck to you MNIT and hope you find peace as well.

        • jessie August 27, 2014 at 12:43 pm #

          Yep Tom but you are one guts out fuck all marry woman hope neve see I person real.fuck up you if same Tom look for you last one fuck around with marry woman i put ever never ben .really in dnt be there I dnt think lost my life be short

          • MyNameIsTOM September 22, 2014 at 3:38 pm #


            I would love to respond to you. However, your comment is unintelligible. Clearly you are angry and probably hurt. I wish you healing and happiness.


            PS It does appear that you wish you could meet me and you are attempting to threaten me. For your sake, it is probably good that you do not have the opportunity to confront me IRL. It wouldn’t end well for you.

  11. devastated May 10, 2013 at 12:02 am #

    True. It would be boring to be married to a person who you felt no passion for. You have to keep the love alive. In my case my husband cheated with a younger single woman for several reasons. He was grieving his Dad’s death, bored with his job, bored with life& yes, bored with me. He also knew I was unhappy with his lack of attention and help at home when we both worked full time, but I did the majority of kid care, house stuff and finances. And no I was not a nag, just the opposite. I avoided conflict and so did he so we just did not talk much past the mundane. Enter Miss 27 intern who he met at school where he taught a class on occasion. She flirted, hung on every word and asked him to lunch on a Saturday knowing he was married. To his discredit he went and told her about his bad terrible wife who only married him to have kids. Umm, that would be me, the woman who was just then cleaning his house, taking care of his kids, making his dinner thinking he was helping a friend and still in love with him after 15 years together despite our problems. They basically tore our marriage apart over the next year or two. Five years later my husband remorse has eaten him alive. He says his stupidity damn near cost him not just his family, but his wife, his lover, his best friend and his very life because it almost cost him me over something so shallow and selfish as that. What we both had to learn was that love is not a feeling you fall into. It’s a verb an action you choose.

  12. Rossco August 22, 2013 at 3:48 pm #

    MyNameIsTOM, I Find myself in a similar situation. My closest friends are all telling me to walk away as they believe that this will all end in tears for me. But they have no idea the connection I have with this woman. How when I am with her feel more alive than I have with anyone else, and more importantly she is the only person that I feel comfortable being with.

    I am an educated man, in a responsible job and know that morally she is the wrong, but we can’t help who we fall for and who makes us happy. I know I will probably get hurt, but the good feeling I have with her outweighs this. And yes I may be wasting my time, and could be happy with someone who can give me a real relationship and that I can share my life with, but there is also a chance that she may in time give me what i want and need.

    Good looking buddy, hope you have a happy ending… Live by the fact its your life and do what makes you happy, as long as it legal!!! I only have one life live it!!!!



    • MyNameIsTOM September 22, 2013 at 1:07 pm #

      I know all too well the feeling of trying to make sense of a complicated situation. If I understand you correctly, this relationship is new for you. If I were to give you any advice, it would be to extract yourself from it while it is still possible. Only the death of my father has caused me more pain. It has taken a great deal of effort to survive. I lost 50 lbs over the past year.

      Having said that, we are finally on the other side. Her divorce was final this past week. She is living in a new townhouse (alone). Today we are planning our next steps into our future.

      I do not condone or approve of my actions over the past year. But I understand them. And I guarantee you that I will never repeat them.

      I wish you well. And I hope you all escape with the least amount of destruction possible.

      • CheatersArePeopleToo October 29, 2013 at 12:21 pm #


        I really do hope this works out for you and the lady.

        Congratulations for the divorce!

        • Liz July 29, 2016 at 7:19 pm #

          Congratulations on a divorce?!! Are you kidding me?? Do you also hand out congratulations at funerals to the beneficiaries of the deceased? You sicko.

          • MyNameIsTOM July 31, 2016 at 8:28 pm #

            Sometimes congratulations are in order. Life is nuanced.

      • Lina December 9, 2014 at 2:54 pm #

        Wish you happiness and love forever.
        But you said it was really hard. Which part of the ordeal was the hardest?

  13. Linda November 11, 2013 at 5:28 am #

    You are a brave man. I admire what you did. Nobody should blame you for pursusing your happiness. I bet there are people out there lost their chances for happiness because they just gave up.

    • MyNameIsTOM July 31, 2015 at 2:46 am #

      I’m not to be admired for “what I did.” But I hope I can be admired for trying to make sense of a difficult situation and handling the mess I made with as much dignity and elegance as possible.

  14. Same As You December 15, 2013 at 2:21 pm #

    Whatever you’re doing, just make sure the woman clearly knows what she wants and can commit to her words, if that’s the case, I truly believe this can work out, because this is what I believe in. Also, if the woman is willing to ease the pain for her husband, then it’s a good sign.

    • MyNameIsTOM July 31, 2015 at 2:45 am #

      Read my latest update in the article.

  15. Emmma April 2, 2014 at 3:55 pm #

    Marriage is a man-made, religious institution. What you believers call cheating is called sexual diversity in biology…… Get over yourselves….. Self righteous asses….

  16. Ms. Confused July 4, 2014 at 9:35 am #

    I searched why men love married women, and I was directed into this. I liked the way things turned out with you Tom. We can’t choose who we fall for. However, what I’m trying to do now is, I want to end my affair with him cause. I want to get out of it. My AP is my ex-boyfriend who happened to dump me for no apparent reason back in college. I got hurt badly, it hurt my ego. We are both in love – we haven’t really gotten over each other, probably. My conscience tells me to end the affair, cause I don’t want to hurt my husband. I have no plans of ending my marriage. And yet, I am even uncertain how I got myself into this. Each time I want to end it, my emotions drag me back.

    • MyNameIsTOM July 17, 2014 at 4:12 pm #

      Are you seeing a counselor/therapist? I highly recommend that you find a psychologist you trust. You need to work through this before you can be present in your life. And you owe it to yourself and the men involved to do that.

  17. Susan October 20, 2014 at 8:36 pm #

    I have experienced exactly the same thing, having recently left my husband after 26 years of marriage in order to be true to myself and be able to be with my single lover. My husband is a wonderful man, and I could no longer hide the truth from him, it was killing me inside, but I knew that I truly had found what I had been searching for all my life with my lover. He has never married, he’s 49 and I’m 48. On top of that, we are also dealing with the fact that our relationship is interracial. Thank you for your post, it’s so hard to find stories like ours anywhere online, that seem to really understand all the complexity of long term relationships, and that not everyone fits into the “box” of cultural values. Many people are content to live a life without passion; I am proud to say I am not one of them. The heart wants what the heart wants.

  18. Bubsarereal October 27, 2014 at 9:02 pm #

    Well sadly, I am the women married and completely and utterly in love with a single man who desperately loves me back. My situation is a little different. My husband was never married and never had intentions of getting married. Obviously, he saw things differently later and decided to make me his wife. He is 11 years older than me. I had been married since I was 19 and divorced by 28 with 3 kids. In the beginning, it wAs everything I could have dreamed of not fairytale or passion but fun. I was doing things I had never done before. I was exploring and taking adventures and I needed that having been such a young mom. The problem is my husband is now 51 and still wants to continue that lifestyle. Concerts, bars and festivals. My family life is void. My kids rarely visit any more bc WE are lacking so much. My husband has made a habit of leaving me every year at least 3 times a year. He retreats to his single brothers house and does not make contact. I cry. The last time He left was March this year. I didn’t cry. I got out. I was ok with him leaving and didn’t beg him to come home. Then I met him. The kindest most gentle deserving man I have ever met. While the passion is undeniable. It’s not just that. It’s the coffee talks, it’s the warmth of his hugs, the sincerity in his words. I can go on and on. There is nothing lacking. Everything is perfect with the exception of the “normalcy”.

    Then my husband comes back home out of the blue. I was comfortable yet not without him.
    Last night T (not my husband) called it off. It’s too hard on him all the same things everyone feels. I am devastated. I know what we have it sounds much like your relationship. It’s just not looking like a happy ending for me. I’m trying to leave, I’m just scared. Scared to death and I don’t even know what I’m scared of. Maybe change or the unknown but it’s paralyzing. I am no longer in love with my husband and I haven’t been in a long time. That spot is reserved for someone else. I didn’t plan this and I didn’t ask for it. It just happened and I’m
    Glad it did. He “t” sent me this link this morning and it has helped me through today. I wish I could move faster for him. I don’t want to lose him but I do understand. I’m not proud of my behavior. I am in love. No one wishes I wasn’t more than me. Thank you for your story and I am very happy for both of you. I have made a appointment for counseling as a result of your story. Thank you and good luck on a love filled future.

    I am sure there will be some haters. Go ahead I earned it but I can assure you, you can’t beat me up more than I do myself. I know who I am right now. I feel like a coward. The difference is I have no plans on staying one.

    • MyNameIsTOM December 12, 2014 at 10:32 pm #

      I was very sad after reading your comments. And I am afraid that you are not going to like what I have to say to you. You aren’t ready to begin a relationship. Your single man was right to “call it off.” You have a tremendous amount of work to do without having to expend emotional energy trying to nurture a new relationship. To try to do so would set you up for more heartache and failure. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and your single man to focus your energies on resolving your marital issues, one way or another. Do what you have to do in order to actually be happy! Life is hard, life is messy. And it takes work… hard work. You need to work on yourself. Get your own head together before you can offer anything of substance to a new relationship. Medical students are taught primum non nocere, a Latin phrase that means “first, do no harm.” If you are going to heal, first stop harming yourself and others. Figure out who you are alone. Trust me, taking that journey with the single man in tow will hurt both of you. We’ve made it through to the other side. But there are a LOT of battle scars. And we had no children involved. Even knowing what I know now, I doubt I could survive if I had to do it all again. I know with every fiber of my being that I will never be involved in an affair again. It’s a brutal business. I’m glad you said you were going to seek counseling. Give it everything you’ve got. Be 100% honest. Take care of yourself. You can find happiness in yourself first, and perhaps with a partner when you’re healthy. Best wishes to you!

  19. Bubsarereal October 27, 2014 at 9:24 pm #

    I need to clarify my current husband is not the father of my children. I married him at 32 and I am now 40. We have been together now for 12 years. I have no children with him you would think it’s an easy break. It’s just not. I am financially somewhat dependent upon him based on our current financial obligations. Any advice is appreciated.

  20. Lina December 9, 2014 at 2:56 pm #

    Wishing you best luck and lots of love.
    You mentioned, Tom that it was really hard.
    If you don’t mind – which part?

    • MyNameIsTOM December 12, 2014 at 3:03 am #

      It would be impossible to say which was the hardest part. Initially it was agonizing to leave her knowing they were together when we were apart. In my experience, I had just met an enchanting woman and the idea that I didn have her to myself was brutal. There is no question that I could not survive that again. Then there was the struggle with accepting that my behavior was not aligned with my deeply ingrained self-image. There was a heavy cognitive dissonance between my actions and my stated values. I came face to face with the reality of being capable of doing something I abhorred and repeating it again and again. I struggled with my baser nature… and lost. That takes a toll on your self-identity. It is pretty demoralizing to have people respect you for your character and integrity and know your skeletons are performing a ballet in the closet. Then it was hard to stand in front of the people affected by my (our) behavior and accept their condemnation, knowing that it was deserved. And it is hard to look back at some of our sweetest memories from the beginning because they are tainted by the circumstances. And it was hard to stay together while she grappled with the guilt of her actions and with letting go of someone she loved for so long. That was really hard to watch. So, you can see that each step along the way had its own version of Hell.

  21. Lina December 9, 2014 at 3:03 pm #

    To all like Cheatersarecowards.
    Few month ago I was perfect wife for 22 years and
    I had never thought of cheating.
    However sex was absent in our lives due to stress
    at work…blah blah blah and I wasn’t feeling like I need any.
    Relationships with husband grew into friendship.
    Like I said I was just like you – judgmental to the core of
    anyone who liked sex or talked about sex or had PDA.
    When all of a sudden I found myself in a situation when I
    am head over hills in love and there is nothing I can do about it
    and life has changed and I am stupid, crazy, horny 48 y/old woman
    who doesn’t give a damn about what people like you think.
    Because I was YOU and you hadn’t been ME. So go on with your hate.
    I will go on with my love.

    • Loser January 3, 2015 at 5:48 am #

      Update us when you caught!

  22. Loser January 3, 2015 at 5:47 am #

    Tom, you are a fucking loser parasite. The ex-husband is a much better and respectable man than you are or will ever be.

    • MyNameIsTOM January 6, 2015 at 10:29 pm #

      Perhaps. But you know neither of us. I know both of us and I can guarantee you that I prefer to be me.

    • Lina January 24, 2015 at 6:17 pm #

      Yeah, and your name is…Loser!!!

    • Tom - your a dick April 10, 2016 at 11:47 pm #

      You are a pathetic looser! Karma is a bitch – you both will pay for what your doing.

      • MyNameIsTOM April 14, 2016 at 11:40 pm #

        I do believe we have someone who doesn’t believe in redemption or salvation! (The irony is that there would be none for you, either.)

        PS You should study the rules of punctuation. They will serve you well in life.

  23. Me January 13, 2015 at 4:54 pm #

    This made me so happy to read. I was once a married woman who had an affair. I will never forgive myself for the pain I caused my ex husband but he and I weren’t right for each other. He was a drug addict and I was stuck thinking I could change him for years.
    I fell in love with my co-worker. We started as friends and resisted our feelings for 2 years but eventually gave in. I left my husband and he left his girlfriend.
    We were together but never took the time to completely heal or mourn the ending of our previous relationships. I wish we had been as wise as you and your girl…
    After two weeks with him, he crushed me by saying he was thinking of getting back with her. I had said earlier that my counselor thought we should have time apart to process stuff and that I was still hurting over and obviously still cared for my husband as a person (not lover).
    I reacted badly and was so hurt and angry that he might possibly get back with his ex girlfriend. Maybe that’s what pushed him away, maybe he was just scared I’d go back to my husband,maybe he felt guilty, or maybe (as I’ve convinced myself) he never really loved me and preferred me married since it meant he got our passion without having to commit to me or just deal with all the annoying aspects of an actual relationship…
    Either way he didn’t want me and I tried to move on. I divided my husband and 6 months later started dating a great guy. I still thought of my “ex affair partner” but I knew he was back with his ex. (Who actually told me that I was one of a handful of girls that he had cheated on her with and he used the same lines with all of them) Was that true? Who knows…Even if it was I wouldn’t have cared. Even if he made mistakes and cheated on her in the past I wouldn’t have cared if he had wanted to stay with me…
    Anyway, the new guy I was dating was like a prince from a fairytale. He swept me off my feet but I was still pining for my ex affair partner- let’s call him P cuz worrying “ex affair partner” is annoying.
    Anyway, my boyfriend and i almost broke up many times. He got drunk a few times and verbally abused me. Things were falling apart and then I got pregnant.
    That changed everything.
    I put P out of my mind and focused on my baby. My boyfriend changed and we made a lot of honest progress on our communication and relationship. I started to let my walls down and fall in love.
    Now we’re married, we have a child, things are great. We still have problems as all couples do. But what eats away at me and what is too painful for me to admit to myself is I’m still in love with P.
    We’ve talked and he said he regrets going back to his ex. They broke up a while ago. He did he was just scared and thought I was going back to my husband.
    We said we loved each other but of course I had to say goodbye and told him I wouldn’t message him again. I can’t throw away this marriage to be with him, and I doubt he’d actually want that…Part of me still feels like maybe he only had such strong feelings BECAUSE I was married and somehow that made it safer for him…I don’t know…
    Anyway, I just wanted to say your story made me smile. I’m glad you and your love get to be together. You were very brave to take that leap of faith with her when so often this things lead to heartache for everyone involved.

    • Me January 13, 2015 at 4:57 pm #

      Also, sorry for the typos. I’m on my phone.

      • Me January 13, 2015 at 5:11 pm #

        Also again, I’m not in contact with P any longer as it’s very unhealthy to attempt a “friendship”. Not to mention damaging to my current marriage.
        Maybe I’ll see a counselor and try to work out my issues. I have a man now that fought to win me over and that I can trust completely. We have a good marriage and I would do anything to keep my family together for the sake of our child. He does have scary anger problems. He’s gotten physical with me once. (He shoved me down once when he was blackout drink…3 years ago but since then he hasn’t touched alcohol and when he does have angry outbursts they’ve never been physical)
        I won’t talk to P again because it hurts too much, but I do need to talk to someone because it’s been 6 years and I still love P.

        • Lina January 24, 2015 at 6:21 pm #

          That sucks! I am wondering why no one looking for cure for love that makes no sense? Why do we have to be hurt when it does not teach us anything, doesn’t make anything better, pointless to the core!!!

          Scientists are trying to figure out if there is a ‘spot’ to be pushed and you lost your appetite. Where is that spot that I want to push to forget how to be pointlessly in love?

  24. Ninel February 26, 2015 at 2:26 pm #

    I am crying reading your story and wishing you well.
    What is going on in your lives as of now?
    Are you happy and together?

    • MyNameIsTOM June 5, 2016 at 1:36 pm #

      Please read the latest update.

      The headline is that we are deliriously happy

  25. Jon May 15, 2015 at 11:49 pm #

    Having been essentially separated although in the same house but separated bedrooms for 6 months. You can love and be in love with someone else. They can love and be in love with you. You can both be prevented from being together because of children. It hurts, it hurts so much. When either points of view critisise remember that one person, if not both, will be hurt. Sometimes a lot, yes sometimes an awful lot.

    • MyNameIsTom March 7, 2016 at 7:52 pm #

      Please read the latest update.

      The headline is that we are deliriously happy.

  26. MisterSincerity July 20, 2015 at 4:49 pm #

    So, you “fell in love” with this woman, huh? You found her attractive and flirted with her (despite the fact that she was married) and she probably flirted back (despite the fact that she was married) and it moved forward from there. Now she’s professed her feelings to you and you to her, and top it all off, her husband is a bland and boring guy who doesn’t rock her world the way that you do.

    Sounds like the beginning of a great relationship. You two sound like a solid couple, too. It’s a good thing that she divorced that dull husband that she once loved enough to marry (which, back in the old days, was a lifetime commitment between two people) I’m sure that she won’t eventually get bored with you and cheat in a few years. I’m glad you found your soulmate.

    Please be sure to never deny yourself anything you want or fail to indulge your every impulse and desire simply because it’s wrong and immoral. Morals are all relative and subjective anyway. Good thing there’s no such thing as God or judgement. Rock on, studly.

  27. MyNameIsTOM July 31, 2015 at 2:57 am #

    Your comment on my article was pretty personal so I thought I would respond to you in the same manner… personally. I’ve included your comments in my response so you can get the full context of my response.

    “So, you “fell in love” with this woman, huh? You found her attractive and flirted with her (despite the fact that she was married) and she probably flirted back (despite the fact that she was married) and it moved forward from there. Now she’s professed her feelings to you and you to her, and top it all off, her husband is a bland and boring guy who doesn’t rock her world the way that you do.”

    Why, yes! Yes, I did fall in love with her! Although it wasn’t as simplistic as you describe. But I understand. We speak in the terms we can understand. You see, we became friends. And we grew together. There was a void in her life for years before I met her. And our relationship filled that void. In other words, their relationship was dead long before I came along. If it had been alive and healthy, there wouldn’t have been a place for our relationship to develop. I get that you probably won’t understand that. I think you live in a simplistic and black & white world, which in itself is sad, really. You must be missing out on a lot of richness in life.

    “Sounds like the beginning of a great relationship. You two sound like a solid couple, too. It’s a good thing that she divorced that dull husband that she once loved enough to marry (which, back in the old days, was a lifetime commitment between two people) I’m sure that she won’t eventually get bored with you and cheat in a few years. I’m glad you found your soulmate.”

    Thanks! I must say, I doubt your sincerity, Mister Sincerity. Let me ask you something… Do you think every decision you made when you were 18 is something you should be committed to for the rest of your life? Do you think you made your best life decisions then? We are a pretty solid couple. You, on the other hand, sound kind of unstable. Why are you so angry about people about whom you know almost nothing?

    “Please be sure to never deny yourself anything you want or fail to indulge your every impulse and desire simply because it’s wrong and immoral. Morals are all relative and subjective anyway. Good thing there’s no such thing as God or judgement. Rock on, studly.”

    This one cracks me up. I mean, I literally laughed out loud when I read it. You mention “God” and “judgment” with no irony.

    Have you read John 8: 1-11 (NKJV)?
    1 But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2 Now early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people came to Him; and He sat down and taught them. 3 Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, 4 they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. 5 Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do You say?” 6 This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear. 7 So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” 8 And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9 Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. 10 When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?” 11 She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.”

    Or have you read Matthew 7:1-3 (NKJV)?
    1 “Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?

    Or maybe you don’t know the story from 2nd Samuel about David and Bathsheba? How they had an affair and David, being king, had her husband killed in battle so he could have her to himself? Do you realize that it was this same David who was called “a man after God’s own heart?”

    See, while you, speaking from your place of pain or anger or judgment, see only condemnation and sin, God sees grace. (See Romans 5:20 – “But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more…”) For those of us who have sinned, admitted the sin, and accepted the gift of forgiveness (See 1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”), Romans 8:1 applies: “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus…”

    Meanwhile, back at the ranch… I hope you find healing for whatever pain motivated you to read a story about adultery. I hope you find freedom from those chains. And I hope you find a way to open your heart to speak light and life into the world rather than pain and negativity. I will leave you with the words of John 13:35 – “By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”


  28. TheVengeann August 23, 2015 at 9:56 pm #

    I was seeking some sort of advice when i looked up a mundane search sentence on google on having a relationship with a married women and then i came across this article. First let me start by saying this blog perfectly describes my life right now, well atleast the start does. But my story has kind of a nasty bitter sweet twist to it… Im in love with a married women who lives in the same shared unit as me.. I know i know.. everyone gasp… but it did happen.. She is a very loving a caring women at the hands of a very lazy, traditional husband… he believes he was in a long distance relationship with him for 4 to 5 years before they got married but the truth (and i know this to be the truth) is that he was in love with her and he made his parents talk to her parents and arrange the marriage (they are from one of those countries) anyways long story short.. here we are… she is in love with me.. but me like the author of this blog is not someone who can handle the secrecy the denial and the lies.. and living with them seeing her walking into that room..and seeing her talking the “daily stuff” with him makes me so jealous…I just want to know how to co-exist or come to terms with those feelings? Every time we have have one of these discussions she ends up getting hurt and I end up depressed… I just want to find peace in my head and just be there for her without her having to live through my drama… BTW “MyNameisTom” thank you very much for sharing.. in most these articles either the authors advise or he commenters advise is to Give up and bitch about the women and about how she is a cheating liar and all the usual blankets.. Its so refreshing to see this… I am so happy for you my friend…

  29. I_DIDNT_WANT_THIS August 30, 2015 at 2:12 am #

    I guess the most important thing I can say is that no one wants to be a part of this situation. It’s a worse case scenario where eventually someone is positively going to suffer heart ache. I think most people dismiss situations like this as sexual lust. Any of you who have ever fallen in love before, could you control it? You can’t choose to fall in love, it happens before you realize it. I am in love with a married woman and I would take 100 conversations with her over 10,000 sex episodes with hottest women on this planet. This woman peaks my interest in every way. While I don’t want to be in any relationship with any woman, I find myself forever wanting to share a life with this woman with two small children. My own kids will leave in about a year and to raise two other children for the next 14 years is logically madness but emotionally it’s what I want most right now. Ironically I have been on the flip side of this coin where an ex did this to me and it left such a deep wound, and now here I am falling for a married woman. It hurts so much and is utterly confusing how this happened. I will not sleep with this woman or jeopardize her marriage but I feel this is the woman and it feels right despite all the obvious screaming otherwise. Walk a mile in these shoes and you will understand how truly painful this experience is on the heart and mind.

  30. RealGremlin October 27, 2015 at 7:50 am #

    First of all I would like to thank you for posting this and sharing this story. I find myself in an almost identical situation and reading this gives hope. As for everybody that is so critical of the situation, I never looked for this. I never sought after a married woman. I simply met an amazing person that started as a friendship but soon came to realize that we were what each other had been looking for all our lives. This gives me a positive outlook on my current relationship. Thank you for this.

    • Brittany April 10, 2016 at 7:17 am #

      Your an ass

      • MyNameIsTOM April 14, 2016 at 11:35 pm #

        You’re a poor grammarian. I’m feeling very much chagrined to think that some uneducated girl in Indiana thinks I’m an ass.

        • Anatolia June 12, 2016 at 5:22 pm #

          LOL true…I hope you are still happy Tom.
          Tell me YES!

          • MyNameIsTOM June 14, 2016 at 6:49 pm #

            We are so happy it is crazy!! I have been married before but never experienced anything like this!!

  31. Brittany April 10, 2016 at 7:16 am #

    You self center fucking cheater! How dare you destroy a marriage!

    • MyNameIsTOM April 14, 2016 at 11:36 pm #

      I have a feeling that you aren’t so concerned about the sanctity of MY marriage. In fact, I think YOU wish destruction on MY marriage. Funny how that works!

      • Anatolia June 12, 2016 at 5:41 pm #

        I am sure my child would be feeling the same way if I left my husband.
        She is the only child among her friends who’s parents are still together after
        over 20 years. She tells everybody how happy her parents are and how wonderful our family is. She would be devastated if…

        However I am 100% sure she would never wish death or sickness or misfortune on anyone! No matter how hurt she would be. Because I thought her well.
        Apparently this young soul parents had never told her that wishing bad things upon anyone – even your enemies will take her down and destroy her.
        Because an anger is s sin as well.

        Let’s both pray she will live and learn to forgive and forget.

        • MyNameIsTOM June 14, 2016 at 6:55 pm #

          Your child is more resilient than you think. Children bounce back, grow, and adapt to change better than adults. Keep in mind that your relationship is the imprint and template she will have for relationships in her own life. She deserves to know what a happy, healthy relationship looks like.

      • LI October 5, 2017 at 5:22 pm #

        HI, thank your for sharing your story. Unforturly , I m a marriage woman ,who fall in with a guy. Not only he is 50s but he has 2 times divorce history.
        It did not happen until month ago, one day I felt nervous when I see him.

        I have a totally different situation .I was marriage for 6 years and have 2kids.Since my first kids was born we separated room until now.
        It s sad to stay with a guy who fight with you everyday and no love.

    • Anatolia June 12, 2016 at 5:23 pm #

      Do you know much about marriage and life?
      Something tells me not much.
      Don’t ever find yourself in this situation and when
      you will don’t forget to come and apologize.

    • Anatolia June 17, 2016 at 4:22 am #

      Have you ever known of destroyed marriages while it is lasting?

      How dare you judging a person when one of the commandments says
      don’t judge and you will be not judged?

      Have you ever read Bible? Poor you. You need love. I hope you will
      find it. Thought I do not believe you will. Too acidic. Pray. It might come to you.

      God bless. I am going to pray for you.

  32. ashley April 16, 2016 at 2:45 pm #

    After couple of years , let’s see where your marriage is going to stand because karma is definitely a bitch. As same thing happened with my bitch of a mother and her dick head of a boyfriend, leaving my poor father in tears but in the end her boyfriend got paralyzed and she left him too. And I hope it happened with you.

    • MyNameIsTOM April 17, 2016 at 4:54 am #

      Well, aren’t you a sweetheart? See, you must not understand how karma works, cuz you just invited some trouble for yourself. Oh, the irony.

    • Anatolia June 12, 2016 at 5:25 pm #

      Curses come back. Be careful.
      Do you know why people do what they are doing?
      Especially parents. Women don’t leave happy homes.

    • MyNameIsTOM June 29, 2017 at 12:36 am #

      Hey, Ashley! We’ve been together for 5 years, married for 2, and we’re doing great! We’re very happy and very much in love!

      I tell you this because you said, “After a couple of years, let’s see where your marriage is going to stand.” The answer is, ON SOLID GROUND!! We could not be happier!

  33. TheMarriedWoman April 27, 2016 at 5:28 pm #

    Hi everyone,

    I just wanted to share my opinion/experience. I know I will be judged so I am sorry in advance to anybody that my story offends!! I too am the married woman and am currently involved with a single AP. I got married very young 21 now 35. For the first 6 years of my marriage I was 100% faithful while my husband cheated on me and abused me and even trashed me to his other woman to the point where she called out things about me that she would never know. Anyway, I left my husband he begged me to come back which I did but his cheating never stopped. I was left with either I leave him and start on my own or stay because I love him and toughen up! I chose to stay because I love him and was also paying for college and leaving would have caused me to have to drop out for financial reasons. I stayed but was still neglected and that’s when the cheating started. At first it was an ex boyfriend….and then eventually I met a married man who was in a similar situation. He wanted to be serious with me but I convinced him to stay and work on his 15 year marriage. He did and things are better for them even though he still reaches out from time to time to try to hookup. Now onto my current situation…I met this guy at a party and was honest with him from the start…he said that he doesn’t care about my marriage and wants to date me still. It’s been a year now and things are turning very bad. He is deeply in love with me and constantly brings up my husband and those “little things”. I love him too but not enough to leave. I know it’s wrong and I feel really bad because I didn’t realize how deep his feelings were until now but he’s been complaining and now we are arguing a lot followed by make up sex and its just too much too handle. I feel like I should end it because things will only get deeper/worse as time goes on but yet I feel like it would destroy him if I ended things abruptly. After years of going through the lying, deceit etc. I want to end my cheating ways but am afraid to going back to that “cheated on lonely woman”.

    • MyNameIsTOM June 5, 2016 at 1:49 pm #

      There are other options. You can choose to end your cheating ways AND walk away from the unfulfilling marriage that led you to that position. You can change the course of your life. You CAN find happiness while being honest with everyone in your life. I know because it happened to me. You just have to be willing to do the hard work and tough it out through some very difficult times. For me, there was really no choice in the matter. I simply couldn’t exist without drastic change. It was the hardest experience of my life. But it did result in my marriage and I am the happiest I have ever been. The Book of Psalms says, “Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning!” Godspeed!

      • Anatolia June 12, 2016 at 5:33 pm #

        what does this mean in Psalm?
        I want to understand but I can’t.
        Help please.

        P.S. Considering an adultery is one of the deadly sins – is there forgiveness for it in some sort of way? Please, explain.
        P.S.S. We had communicated off line before and I am still not over the hump.
        I am looking for all the help I can get. Hugs.

        • MyNameIsTOM June 14, 2016 at 7:03 pm #

          Of course there is forgiveness for all sin. Please see my earlier response to Mr Sincere.

          The Psalms I quoted means that it may be tough for a while, but it will pass and happiness awaits on the other side!!

  34. Anatolia June 13, 2016 at 12:17 am #

    I have too much time on my hands today. First day in years.
    So I want to share some thoughts with you haters or lovers.

    I am watching (not by choice) old sitcom Days of our live do you say? (I think)
    with divorced Mom of 2 teenage girls who is all decent woman and
    wonderful citizen.

    She is meeting this man who is married and they are falling in love.
    He is also decent man who tells her:
    I am in loveless marriage for over decade. My children are gown up.
    I am not a cheater. I had not looked for anybody. However when I had
    met you I fell for you first time in years and came alive.
    I have choice to be faithful and unhappy or change my life around and
    be happy! So…what do you say?
    She says no. She can’t date a married man. It is 1950 or something.

    He comes back to her telling her:
    I spoke with my wife and she agreed to divorce. It was shocking but
    she said she wasn’t happy as well but was afraid to end it.
    Children said it was the best decision because all these years they
    felt there were no happiness and they were concerned and unhappy.

    However he said everyone seemed relieved – I know they are hurt.
    It is killing me he said. But I am glad it is ending and I am ready to
    move on with new life.

    They hugged and kissed and they had not ended up together because
    he said he needs to get divorce and recuperate.
    It took a huge toll on him to done it. He was drained and she was also
    all nervous and confused though they had great love and respect for
    each other.

    My discovery was is that phrase he said
    1. I was never thought of cheating before I met you
    2. I can be faithful and unhappy or change it all around

    They were 2 decent people. None of whom wanted to hurt anybody.
    It was just that his married life finally took it’s own turn to the end.

    Judge please. Or understand. It took him a good courage to speak up.
    Apparently if there was a show about his wife – she would probably find
    love of her life (she definitely seemed trapped and not being a witch).
    And him letting it go saved years of suffering and heartache.

    There was nothing dirty about it. But it was a long time ago.
    Same problems. Same people. What do you say?
    I am still thinking about that episode…

  35. Anatolia June 17, 2016 at 4:31 am #

    we had communicated before trough some kind of web…
    You had talked to me and gave me such good info.
    I thought my ‘thing’ will end but it it almost 8 years old
    and I need your advice.
    I am wondering how can I reach out to you without being
    here and listen to these people whos agenda is put us down
    just because we have something they don’t understand or
    never had.
    I know we talked. Maybe by email…I don’t remember. It had
    been long ago. I had several different names here but I am
    coming back because I want to make sure you are happy
    and I want to be as well and person I am in love with is suffering
    as I do. We had just talked today about how we can ‘skip the coffee’
    and none of us ready to move on. Please reply.
    And I am so happy you are living your dream.
    Screw haters. They are having no idea…

  36. seem July 5, 2016 at 7:51 am #

    I went through the post and one thing that strikes me is that- you are a person of great integrity.
    Marraige is a necessity for the society to thrive. Its man made and not in heavens.

    The possibility of meeting a soulmate/ kindred spirit after your marraige is so high – especially karmic ones – what you do and the choices you make are very personal to your journey and other people have no right to comment – as there is no right and wrong and black and white – as these peoples opinions stem from.

    Heres to your love which comes from a deeper place than everybody else’s.

  37. Confused November 9, 2016 at 10:46 am #

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    I am currently in a situation where I have fallen in love with a married woman.

    We had previously been in a relationship 6 years ago which did not work as I was caught up in a web of substance abuse.

    About a month back by chance we happened to bump into each other at the mall. There was immediate electricity from that very first meeting. We swopped numbers, began texting and those feelings, unresolved from the past came flooding back.

    She has been married for 3 years and has a son of a year and a half. She tells me her marriage has not been working for quite some time and I believe her. We have the most amazing connection. Shes funny, caring, intelligent, engaging, just and all round wonderful human being. We are insync on so many levels.

    I am rebuilding my life and not in a position to be able to provide for her and her boy were she to leave her husband right now. I am just so conflicted. There are so many facets to this situation. You are right Tom through reading many of the judgemental and harsh comments here it is quite apparent that people are clouded by their own experiences.

    I am torn, I love her, intensely. It kills me not being able to be with her. I can see a future with her and her boy. At the same time of course what we are doing is wrong and the ramifications of what we are doing are not lost on me.

    Do you have any advice for me?????

    I am on this emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I want to call it quits but just cant do it!

    Any advice, Tom, would be most appreciated.

    Have a wonderful day.


    • MyNameIsTOM November 13, 2016 at 3:10 pm #

      I’m glad you realize that you are not ready. My advice to you would be to talk to a counselor about this. There are a lot of issues you need to address if this relationship is something you see going forward.

      Equally important is that she needs to be on the same page as you. She’s got a mess on her hands if she’s considering a relationship with you. She needs to decide what she’s going to do in her marriage. She’s got a journey ahead of her that she alone must make. It won’t be easy.

      You should understand that sometimes love and/or attraction isn’t enough of a foundation upon which to build a relationship. You’re at the beginning of what will most certainly be a very long and painful journey. You should consider whether you are mentally and emotionally ready for everything you will have to take on.

      In my situation, she told him and her family everything about 6 months into our relationship. You read my account so you know my struggles. We’ve now been married for 15 months. It still bothers me on a regular basis. And he’s not directly in her life anymore. Your girl’s ex will always be directly in her life because they share a son.

      You have a lot to consider and it appears that you are not truly ready for this. My advice would be to wait. You take care of you and get your life lined up. Let her decide what she needs to do and then take the necessary actions. If the two of you want to rekindle your old relationship, I highly recommend she extract herself from her marriage first. That would pay HUGE dividends.

      Best to you.

  38. 23 June 28, 2017 at 8:16 am #

    Are you still out there?
    I am currently in your wife’s situation. But the single man in question and I had to break it up. Too much guilt on my side and too much pain on his.
    He said he cound not function any more.
    I understood.
    We had to part.
    I wish you luck

    • MyNameIsTOM June 29, 2017 at 12:23 am #

      I am still out here. We will soon celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary.

      I’m sorry you found yourself in an untenable situation. I totally understand. Affairs are brutal and terrible things. I hate that it is our story. I could never survive another. Ours only lasted 6 months before we made it publicly known. It was unsustainable for both of us.

      I respect your decisions to go your separate ways, even though that, too, is a painful choice.

      I wish you both well. I’m here if you ever need support.

  39. Henry Fetorz August 2, 2017 at 1:19 am #

    Hi Tom,
    Wasn’t sure if this blog was still running, but see comments not too old. I’ve read through a lot, and both sides add points to the whole subject… I’m someone who met a married lady about six months ago, and bang…though i knew it felt it might not be plain sailing, I ended up here. Desperation, though it comes and goes. I think I past a point some weeks back, but still…the feelings for this person are the strongest I’ve had. The thing is, to maintain the contact it relies a lot on digital means. That’s probably indicative of where we are, as people now, in the world. Though, the truth was we started without all of that. Was meeting, energy and then never saw each other again, for months, without even talking. When we did, again, it was clear: we had both started something that couldn’t be stopped easily. I say couldn’t, but now I look at all the things that have happened, and try to think of the next step forward. To be honest, I don’t see an ending like yours, Tom. I just don’t. But, I think, and what I have learned truly, from all this, is that we never control another person. Ever. I have also been married twice. Nothing is plain sailing, in this life. Nothing. The things that last, are often the things which are the biggest facade. The honest things, seem to be the hardest. I do think of myself as honest. My problem, is that I am caught, between self protection and not knowing what could be worth the unknown…the secret stuff, is mine and hers to bare. She seems able, i guess, to maintain it easier. I am not in a ‘official ‘ relationship, so there is nothing to hide. Just, the fact that i cant celebrate publicly being with the person that I have truly never met before with such feelings. I have been around quite a bit, married, partners, but honestly….this is the only the second time ever, in my life, i have met someone like this. And no, the other one wasn’t either of my wives, either…that’s life. What i have trouble with, is that there is such a cliche filled unnatural, judgmental approach by lot of sites, people, to say the obvious. But….what happens when actually you consider that the other person, though in a relationship proper, is actually in love with you and they can’t change things…? Should we walk away??? You didn’t. I just think there must be some sort of place you can take stock, look at the other person, think of what they are doing, and try and see if they do it just because they don’t really have deep morals and simply want to have something on the side, and will if not you then someone else – or, its worth staying around for… I loved someones earlier comment, about waiting or finding someone who is single, respectful, just for you, someone you deserve, etc etc. Oh really, is there?? In all my years i’ve met one other, and she was married too. Only, that’s what was said to me, on another site. Oh, think of her partner, do you want to be him? And cut your losses, go. Don’t be used. Well…. I thought they were right, for about a week. But…I know this person, and there is something else going on, inside there, which the rule books don’t write. Anyway….my point is…..how do you know? And is there some sort of mechanism to save yourself, to maintain a love for that person but not f…king lose your own mind? The alternative is, of course, saying you cant handle it. I’ve felt that, often. Brutally. But, love is there.I know it. We do know. Because i came out of a marriage, where i was myself left, because they had fallen out of love and they told me. Though they didn’t need to, i knew already. We know when someone loves us. Any opinion, let me have it. Thanks, and good evening

    • MyNameIsTOM August 6, 2017 at 2:02 pm #

      You’re 6 months into this relationship. Honestly, my very best advice would be to walk away. While our situation turned out ok for everyone in the end, getting there was a brutal process.

      I totally understand your feelings and I know all too well the mind games we play trying to talk ourselves into believing that our affair partner is experiencing everything the same way we are. The reality is that it is quite different. We get the version of the truth they think we can handle or the version they think will produce the reaction in us that they want or need to see.

      I suggest you consider these points:

      1 – Your needs and her needs are very different.
      2 – Your perspective and goals and her perspective and goals are very different.
      3 – You aren’t getting the ‘whole truth.’
      4 – You are participating in a disrespectful situation on all fronts; you’re both disrespecting her marriage vows, her husband, yourselves, and you are sacrificing your honor and integrity. This backdrop forms the basis upon which your own relationship with her is built.
      5 – You say that you don’t see an ending like ours. What ending do you see? Probably pain for all involved, right? Is it really worth it?

      I totally understand cognitive dissonance and walking in a place where your actions do not match your stated values. But I can tell you from experience that it only gets worse from the 6 month mark. I’ll be here to talk you through it if you’d like, regardless of your decision. But I recommend that you walk away.

      • Henry Fetorz August 9, 2017 at 1:30 am #

        Hi, Thanks. Its staggering, to read really. Last week, I gave up, said I couldn’t handle it. A week later, after long messages of hers, I ended up talking again. I find it really hard, to understand anymore what my instinct is. I feel, that her love is real. Yet, its not as real as mine….I think love , we should show in public, no matter. Shouldnt be something for a week here, conversations there, messaging (quietly) all the time…whats it all for? I thought, sometimes, that she might just see that its worth it…I asked her, does he treat her the way i do, the connection, the look, the touch…she says no, not even close. I just dont get it…I left my first marriage, for the love of someone . I don say everyone should be like me. Thats the thing….do i really not know this person??? And yet, i fall, and i believe she did, too. Tonight, you know, i asked about travelling, to be near her (we live different countries, to be honest). And, i am given dates, when her partner is not around. It made me feel sick, to be honest. But , some days ago, she said she had even remarked to a friend, about the possibility of leaving her husband. I said i would never ask that, its her decision. Only last week, with all of the pain, i said i couldn’t do it anymore. Its like a see-saw effect. Thanks, and appreciate your pragmatism. Am I not strong enough to walk away, or do I think there is a chance…? A friend said tell her you are not interested whilst she is married, and walk away too. And, be patient, with life. What I find hard, is that i do know her life is not easy. If she leaves her partner, it will cause a domino effect, she says. Should that matter? I know for me it wouldn’t matter, I would do anything for this person, i think, though yes, alarm bells ring when I dont have my fingers in my ears

        • Henry Fetorz August 9, 2017 at 1:45 am #

          And, it may seem like I haven’t answered your question, regarding what ending do I see only feeling it would not be like yours. We talked practicalities, just recently, saying that unless we did make some plans, this will never change from pain filled separation. Yet as you say, what I am told seems the part only to make me feel like i should hold out for her. But, shes been in love with me for months, and nothing has changed…I still dont know if its worth the time and heartache. Thanks. I am trying, in my way, to walk away.

  40. Henry September 1, 2017 at 4:57 am #

    Hi Tom,
    Well, some weeks on, and it’s been about three storm like moments, interspersed with deep love being shown, then the build ups, to where the lie becomes all too much. We’ve both recognized that. I guess though, the,truth is that I exploded first, saying couldn’t take it any more, I was gone. The emotional pain is immense those moments. Then, days,later, we look for each other again, messaging, calling etc. The thing was Tom, after last writing, was that I did think cease contact. Then, there was the cold realization, of not having that person in my life anymore. So, there was a conscious change in thinking; I know. All life is mostly a lie, why does marriage mean anything other than stamping ‘my property ‘ on someone, etc. Yes, it works, to think like that. Why not? Much of life is questionable.
    No matter what I try to convince myself with, there’s always one thing: She will never leave.
    Or will she? Just this,last week, she said he (her husband) knew everything. I found that hard to believe… Everything? I’d feel sick for him, if he knew everything.
    And, this is the thing…
    Is it possible, that someone we love, is really lying so much, to both people?
    I try and be distant. I try and be relaxed. But, it’s impossible. I couldn’t live such a double life, as she seems to. And, that’s where I find the chink of light. How to walk from this…
    As she says her husband and her have little intimacy. I don’t believe it.
    The thing now, is that I don’t believe much, of what I get told. I honestly though think, that if it’s not me, then someone else will fill my role. Today, she said she was misunderstood, and that she felt compelled, to share love. My problem, is that I can’t shake this thing off.
    I have even told her she is a coward, to cheat. What I will never understand, is that people can lie so much. Fpr me, the truth bursts out, always, in the end.
    That’s how I feel this thing ends. I still love her, but I think she has deep issues about being with just one person. I myself never minded it, when married. I know, that this,may seem random. It’s not. It’s how the weeks have been. It’s still hard, giving up. Very.

  41. Henry Fetorz September 12, 2017 at 11:29 pm #

    I wonder now, after the insults have come, now I have stepped back, that what will happen to the person I still in some ways love…? In the last few days I received near hysterical replies, more or less that she is the victim…Her husband apparently, she said, threatens to throw her out (I do not believe this…) in the same hours as I have told her i can’t do it anymore. i know people will get to this site kind of too late, to save themselves, possibly…. I think I have escaped, as whether I was right or wrong, i decided that I was being lied to as well… Waiting, to receive news early morning or late at night and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt destroyed and then, suddenly, today, seeing the messages i felt like I was right… I know you may be unable to answer…but how and why did you pursue your course? You keep saying, and i have seen it, that you wouldn’t do it again…the whole thing was brutal. Yes, i can see that. I was in danger of losing myself, totally. To win what, exactly? The thing is, I see on social media another person, who wanted to do this with me some years back. I look with pity, now, at them… But, if suddenly the chemistry is right and we fall, then we will spiral downwards. I’ve read so many stories, these last months, that in general, the married partner doesn’t leave their relationship… I’ve always been open. I still am. But this is /was another ball game, totally. What happens to this person, in general? I know i was not the first, and i don’t think i will be the last, for them. It feels tragic, so tragic. I feel okay, which is strange, with the ‘what if’ feelings, if things had worked out. They didn’t. Maybe one day i see her again. But, something broke. I’d never do this again. And, I truly mean it.

  42. Christopher September 28, 2017 at 1:13 am #

    I’m going through the same thing right now, it’s killing me


  1. No sex but in love. - January 26, 2015

    […] carefully so you know after some times what to do later. Here is an awesome piece of info for you: http://doccool.com/i-am-a-single-man-in-love-with-a-married-woman/ …I've cried… 0 Replies   […]

Leave a Reply to Cheatersarecowards Click here to cancel reply.