I Am A Single Man In Love With A Married Woman

In love with a married womanSo, I am a single man in love with a married woman. On the surface, it seems like EVERYTHING in my relationship is going my way. We are closer than ever. We have gotten past some very dangerous landmines. We are communicating constantly. We see each other 4-5 times per week (sometimes more) for a few hours each time. Our physical relationship is hotter than ever. Our emotional connectedness is at an all time high and gets stronger by the day. My affair partner has begun individual counseling to try to find some clarity regarding our situation. She has already told me that when she thinks about the future, she is thinking about me/us and not him. She has told me that she would rather be with me than him. She has told me that she knows her real happiness can only be achieved with me. She accepts that her marriage is nothing more than a good friendship and always has been. She’s felt “trapped” there for years. He’s a good dude. Boring, bland, passionless, but good. And she’s struggling with how she can walk in and just destroy his world. She knows her family (and his) will be devastated and very disappointed in her. She acknowledges that she’s lived a majority of her life trying to make other people happy and “do the right thing” and never put her own happiness first. My belief (confirmed by her words) is that she is going to counseling to try to figure out how to navigate the end of a relationship she’s been in for half of her life.

So, what’s my problem??

Well, it would appear that I have run out the string on being in a secondary relationship. I knew early on that I am not cut out for being in an affair. The secrets, the hiding, the lying, the denial, the stolen moments, becoming someone whose behavior does not match one’s self-image or presumed values… in general, the cognitive dissonance an affair requires. I can’t keep it going. I am meant to be open and honest. I am meant to celebrate my love; not hide it away.

So much in the moment is wonderful and happy and the momentum has definitely swung mightily in my direction. And yet I find myself “sweating the small stuff.” For instance, leaving her at night knowing she will be in his bed. Knowing the distance between her shower and her clothes/closet and that there is no privacy. And knowing that she is trying to keep everything the same so he doesn’t suspect anything which means his All Access Pass is still active. Granted, she told me a month ago that there had been no desire or intimate activity since she met me. But I am afraid to ask if that holds true. Besides, it’s the simple things that get me. The most mundane details of daily existence are the threads that bind us. He’s got them and I don’t. He’s the one who goes to the grocery store with her. He’s the one driving her to do her shopping and then carrying her bags while she shops. He’s the one whose opinion she solicits regarding how that shirt or those jeans look on her. He’s still the one who hears that familiar intimacy in her voice when she’s talking about the details of daily life. That magic fiber that binds us together. Add to the fact that new years eve found them in NYC for the ball drop; another one of her “bucket list” experiences that she, yet again, ticked off with him. Granted, they were with several of our mutual friends. And she promised that there was no midnight kiss. But, I was miserable just the same. I missed something else that she will remember for the rest of her life.

The secrets, the hiding, the lying, the denial, the stolen moments, becoming someone whose behavior does not match one’s self-image or presumed values…

We’ve discussed “taking a break” after January (which will still give us time to experience some things we already had planned). We’ve talked about what that looks like (no contact or just greatly reduced contact?) but made no decisions. Ostensibly it is to give her time to tend to the details of unraveling her current long-term relationship. That’s no easy task. But, in truth, it’s for me as much as it is her. I can’t take the torture. And it is, indeed, torture. Self-torture. She does everything right. She tries to protect me as much as she can. It’s my own mind and imagination that assails me. I need to let go and try to quiet my mind. I need to fill that space with something else.

Yes, the tide has turned and I feel like it’s a matter of time before EVERYTHING changes. And yet I still feel my skin crawling every time I think of the little things. And I don’t know how to stop it. And I don’t know how much longer I can take it. And I want it all to be worked out… yesterday.

UPDATE:

I’ve read through most of the comments. It actually amuses me a bit to see such certainty and judgment from some of the commenters who have no idea about the details of my situation. YOUR blanket doesn’t cover me. Like Robert Browning’s “The Last Duchess,” the narrative reveals more about the speaker than the “duchess.” Your filters reveal your experiences and biases but have nothing to do with me and my situation.

A few weeks after this story was posted, we took a trip out of town for a week together. The day we came back home, she told her husband about us and asked him to move to his parents’ house. That week, she told her family. As expected, she got little support or understanding. She withdrew from some friends for similar reasons. It was a very private and isolating time. During this time, we spent more time together than ever. It was a relief to know that our “secret” was known. We were being honest.

In the couple of months since then, she has had some setbacks due to medical reasons but we are together and stronger than ever. He is still not living in their home and they are having an ongoing discussion about the end of their marriage.

Despite some of the vitriolic (and inane) comments, she is trying to be respectful about the way she ends the marriage. She is doing everything she can to not cause him more pain than necessary. He did nothing wrong and he is a nice guy. I’ve met with him and apologized for the way things transpired. The situation is much more nuanced and sophisticated than it would appear some of the commenters are able to process.

We’re not “there” but we’re well on our way. We are trying to be honest with everyone involved. It is a difficult situation. Life is messy. And it is tough to find one’s self in a position of cognitive dissonance and self-recrimination. The only way to handle it with dignity is to try to treat everyone involved with respect and honesty. Knowing that something you must do in order to seek your own happiness will directly cause pain for someone else you care about is not an easy thing to do. Handling an emotionally difficult situation with grace and elegance rather than clumsy self-absorption requires care and precision. And it is not an exact science. You don’t always get it right. But you must forge ahead with an eye toward healing – for everyone. In order to come on the other side of the experience with your self-esteem intact and any sense of dignity will require patience and fortitude. And there will be plenty of times when both of those are in short supply.

You just have to take it one step at a time and give all parties involved time to process the new paradigm and readjust their presuppositions. Everyone involved, on either side of the equation, is involved in the journey together whether they like it or even acknowledge it. It really is an exercise in pain management.

The road ahead is long and winding. It won’t be easy. Then again, the road behind us wasn’t, either. But the reward at the end is happiness. It is knowing that we have found the one with whom our soul connects.

Anyone who looks at an affair with a simplistic “black and white” filter is doing a disservice to the human spirit… and to themselves and those around them. Life is messy. And life is beautiful. Tragedy and comedy.

 

UPDATE #2:

So, we’re moving forward. She filed for divorce. She’s signed a lease on a new townhouse. She’ll be moving there in a few weeks. I’ll help her get settled there. After she’s had a few transitional months to herself, I’ll join her there and our life together will officially begin. We’ve been picking out furniture and home décor. Her family is starting to accept the way things are. They haven’t completely come around but they are making motions in that direction. They finally admitted that they knew the marriage was in trouble for years despite the calm appearance. But the reality of the change is still emotional and raw.

It has been a long and arduous journey. The end is near. Very near. We know the date the divorce will be final. We know where she will live. And we are making all the necessary life changes to be ready for our life together. Finally.

Here’s to happy endings!

 

UPDATE #3:

Well, she’s been divorced for about 9 months now. After a couple of months of her living alone, I began staying over more and more. I’ve been essentially living with her for about 6 months. We have discussed our intention to marry, but we haven’t firmed up any plans.

There were some very emotional times. She has struggled with guilt over how things transpired. There were some bumpy times with her family. But, we stood strong. Her family is starting to accept me now.

He is finally in a new relationship, too, so that may help everyone involved move forward.

Share This Post

, ,

45 Responses to I Am A Single Man In Love With A Married Woman

  1. Cheatersarecowards January 24, 2013 at 2:40 am #

    MyNameIsTom,
    Let me just say this to you in a clear cut manner: this is married woman is a woman that has lied and cheated on her husband. If she is lying and cheating on him, she is DEFINITELY lying and cheating on you too. With him. Her husband. This woman is all sorta screwed up. She does not want to leave her husband. And she definitely wants to keep you on the sidelines for when she wants to play. At your expense and her husband’s. she is using MNIT!!!! And you let her knowing she has been stringing you along. And for what???? She used and abused her husband and you.. You see, she wants both!!! If her husband was so bad as she says, she would have left. But no, she whines and complains to get your sympathy. A pathetic damsel in distress. And you are her white knight coming to save her from a passionless, boring, but nice mate. YOU are truly the one for her!!!! And you so desperately want to believe.
    And yet…. There’s the “small stuff”… That ain’t small stuff, those are your instincts firing away SCREAMING at you that this situation is wrong. You are really being strung along. Lied to. Cheated on. She definitely kissed her husband at midnight and they screwed that night to… Hello!!! Cheaters lie, cheat, and steal to maintain their setup. The easy sex, attention, and admiration. Is this what you really want to be a beck and call boy??? Or a healthy love, a reciprocal love, based on honesty, loyalty, trust, respect, etc??? If she ended up leaving her husband (she won’t), you will always live with the fact she cheated with you and on you… When is she going to do it again? An you live with that?
    Go into therapy yourself. Please love and respect yourself enough to leave that manipulative loser. Cut her cold turkey. Develop boundaries as to what you will/will not except. That type of treatment is bullshit. She will continue to manipulate you, abuse you, and hurt you because you allow her to.

    • Wisdom Beyond Years December 20, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

      This is simply not true about her always being a cheater. Please try to not be so judgmental of others, I’m sure you’re not perfect.

    • Scott February 19, 2014 at 5:57 pm #

      Amen to you brother!!! I was in an affair and truly in love, we made plans to be together but they never happened. The thing about an affair you want to believe them, however your behavior changes and doubt sets in. I found myself attempting to “catch her” with her husband, and I did. I felt like such a chump, she broke up my marriage for her selfish lies. I told her when I ended things I did not know how I will remember her, that statement hit home. So here I am, very distrusting of women, I can say with absolute honesty my intent was to follow my heart with this woman, but in the end she showed me her true colors. I find these days its best to be alone, that way no one can hurt you. My x-wife hurt me greatly, and my ” true love” fed me lies for three years. Never again.

  2. pat January 26, 2013 at 7:12 am #

    Cheatersarecowards assumes the worst. I have been in the women’s shoes and never thought the way this guy discribes.

    • Cheatersarecowards January 26, 2013 at 12:51 pm #

      If you are screwing two people at the same time, and trying to balance two relationships, you are using the two people, pat. Bottom line. If your SO/spouse doesn’t know about you having sex and emotionally investing outside the relationship/marriage, you are a a coward and putting abusing them.
      Your AP you are stringing along and if they knowingly delved into the relationship with you knowing you were committed to someone else then shame on them too. You both order shit for lunch? You eat it. And if the meal tastes like shit? Ummm… Duh! Of course it does, you two ordered it. Consequences are shit for everyone involved. MNIT wants this cheater to leave her husband, she won’t. He wants to be with her exclusively, but he selfishly became involved with this man’s wife and had no right to.. Now he is tangled up in a mess he wishes he wasn’t. I did not assume the worst. The worst is happening. He explained his situation, not me. I just spelled it out for him since AP’s are looking for that fairy tale ending… Instead he are a load of shit and is now dealing with the repercussions.

    • David January 30, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

      Maybe not on a conscious level.

      You are likely in denial about who you are.

      Cheaters are, by dictionary definition, liars, thieves, and deceivers.

      They only care about their own selfish pleasures and don’t care who they hurt to get it.

      If you are unhappy in a marriage, there is a simple legal solution.

      It is called a divorce.

      Most cheaters are too cowardly to divorce. They want their security at home and their lust on the side.

  3. corpgf January 30, 2013 at 5:23 pm #

    I am a single woman in love with a married man. Your words are my words.

    It’s the day to day things I miss. I want to spend the night with him. I would care less if they were having sex than I do about them sleeping in the same bed. Having been married I can comprehend the “there is nothing going on at home” situation. My ex H and I both worked at home and spent 23 hours a day together and still would go weeks without even hugging.

    I’ve overheard phone conversations and read emails he’s forwarded to me from her. I know there is a very broken relationship there. I don’t believe I have the whole picture of what is going on there, but I do know that he makes an effort to see me 26/30 days a month. He calls and texts all the time. When he goes on business trips, I am by his side. When he runs his marathons, I am the one at the finish line.

    He says he stays for his kids and I believe him. She’s been a SAHM for 20 years and I admire the fact that he’s kept his commitment to take care of her regardless of his feelings for her because of some woman he met on the internet less than a year ago.

    I believe most of what he says, but I am quite sure that he’s told me lies as well. He lies to her, he lies to me, he lies to himself. It is the nature of the beast I presume.

    Good luck

    • David January 30, 2013 at 6:39 pm #

      Corpf:’

      You sound like pat, in denial and full of canned excuses manufactured to support your infidelity.

      Yes. he has told you lies.

      Why would you then admire him for anything. He lies to you and he lies to his wife and he lies to his children. Wow, what a man!

    • Cheatersarecowards January 30, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

      Liar, liar pants on fire! This guy is a classic cheater!!! Stays for the kids? His wife is a SAHM and feels obligated to stay to financially support her? What a crock!!! Ass clown. If he wanted to leave, he could. He could pay her good alimony and CS in divorce settlement. She deserves it after being a SAHM for 20 years. She sacrificed her own career and getting ahead to support his career and raise their family. Very noble. But he does not need to stay to support his family.. He is cheating on his family after all. He is not supporting them, he is betraying them!!
      He stays because he likes his security at home. He loves to boink you and then go home and boink his wife. Great set up. For him.
      Why are AP’s so damn desparate?? You are a single woman!!! Find a real man that will treat you right and none of the damn drama am affair brings into your life!!! Have some self-respect and dignity woman!!!! Stand up for yourself and leave this jackass!

      • corpgf January 31, 2013 at 5:33 am #

        cheatersarecowards,

        Who hurt you?

        The state we live in is no alimony and has a cap on child support. Having been a wife I can appreciate how her life changes. Sure, he can set her up nicely, but why disrupt the family if this affair isn’t going anywhere long term? Time will sort it out.

        • Cheatersarecowards January 31, 2013 at 12:47 pm #

          He can set up her up nicely. Perfect. He is already disrupting his family. He is betraying them with you. Duh! Time will not sort it out. Time will continue to make it worse. Once his wife finds out the truth, and she will, in time … It will blow up in his face. And he will lie, lie, lie .. To her, to you.. Why? Because he is a weakling. A coward. A selfish man.
          And you? Why stay with such a pathetic person? Don’t you have standards?

  4. Cheatersarecowards January 31, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    Don’t you find it gross to “share” someone you are “in love” with? I find it vile. And his wife isn’t even aware that she is!!!!! That is what I feel angry about. You consciously want some other woman’s husband and sitting their pining away for him when HE is with his FAMILY? Poaching someone else’s spouse/partner is so sad. He chooses to cheat.. Absolutely. But you are a weak woman to allow yourself to stoop so low as to hurt a family and an unsuspecting wife. A connection, a great connection can be found with various people. Love can be found with various people. But this is selfishness, lust, and greed at it’s worst.
    How secure in this relationship would you be if he chose you tomorrow? He cheated with you and on you already.. What would stop him from doing so again? How can you build a solid relationship with someone when the foundation is lies, deceit, not honoring commitment, boundaries, disrespect, sneaking around, dishonesty, and cheating.
    You can find a real love with someone that is based on reciprocity, respect, commitment, honesty, truth, security, stability, romance, loyalty, companionship. You have settled for so much less corpgf. You compromise yourself staying with the loser.
    Please. Do yourself a favor. Leave that abusive ass clown. Send an anonymous message to the wife and tell her the truth. She has a moral right to know about what he has been up to. And then she can make an informed decision on what she wants to do.
    Affairs are messy. The AP is desparate for crumbs, they settle. Don’t do it. Don’t be weak. Don’t be somebody’s plaything. Be authentic. Be strong. Be a woman that is a leading lady.

    • david May 11, 2013 at 3:06 pm #

      In just about all the responses I see on here, I see people making a ton of assumptions about the people in the relationships. Not all, but a lot. I love a married women that has a little boy. Her husband is really bad to her a d his son. Does not take care of them and is never there. He is mentally abusive to her and he ended up in jail one night over domestic violence. He gets what he wants by threatening suicide all the time. I feel sorry for her. I love her and want to be there for her. She loves me too. It just got hard for me cause he stopped ” working ” (not making any money) out of town so we dont get to see each other much anymore. He cheats on her a lot. She wants to leave him but wants to talk to a lawyer first cauze shes afraid he might try to use his grandparents money to get custody of her boy. (Just to get back at her or manipulate her to stay with him) Now that he is home all the time, she doesnt have a chance to talk to lawyer. She wants to find legal aid or a pro bono lawyer cause she has no money. I told her how hard it is on me and she said shes giving herself a 2 month deadline to leave him. Shes scared to leave him and I dont blame her. I just dont know if I can handle 2 more months of the women I love being in bed with him. I miss her so much and hate that I cant help her. He controls her all the time to an absurd degree. Shes afraid that if we get caught, it will make it more likely for him to get custody. And his grandparents know people in the legal system that could pull strings for them possibly. Im tired of all the heartless impersonal responses ive read on here. Show some compassion please.

    • geno July 3, 2014 at 12:43 pm #

      “You can find a real love with someone that is based on reciprocity, respect, commitment, honesty, truth, security, stability, romance, loyalty, companionship” YOU CAN??? NEVER FOUND IT AND I DO NOT SEE IT

  5. Corpgf January 31, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    You assume she doesn’t already know.

    I was married to “the perfect man” on paper. Followed all the rules, blah blah blah. He controlled every aspect of my life and eventually kicked me out of the house because I had drinks with my best friend at her house on her birthday without his permission. Then a month later asked me over for Christmas dinner, which I cooked, and after it was on the table kicked me out cuz I wouldn’t bang him in the laundry room.

    No one can figure out why I left a perfect gentleman for this asshole. Yeah, this guy has major issues, but at least I can see them a mile away.

    • David January 31, 2013 at 2:59 pm #

      CorpgF

      Your post suggests you were in an abusive relationship.

      But being as you are making excuses for a married man who cheats I have to wonder If you are telling the truth.

      Maybe your husband kicked you out because you were flirting with other men or having an affair that you now lie about. Cheaters lie.

      Cheaters are dishonorable, disloyal people who will sell the gold in their grandmothers teeth for personal gain. So, forgive me if I question your story.

      People who cheat with a married man are also cheaters, even if they are single.

      They are cheaters and liars and poachers.

      This married man you accept into your bed has major personality issues and deficits, but so do you for being attracted to this type of person.

      Also your claim that this man’s affair isn’t disrupting his family is totally delusional.

      He is taking time from his wife and kids to date you? You don’t think that is a disruption.

      This guy is a loser and a coward and doesn’t want to have to pay child support for the rest of his life and divide his assets, if his wife finds out and divorces him, that is why he doesn’t divorce her.

      Please stop trying to turn his decision to not set his wife free to find a good man by divorcing her with something noble.

      This man is not noble, you are not star crossed lovers or soul mates, you do not have something special with him.

      All you are to this man is an easy lay, and far cheaper than a real dating relationship or using a prostitute.

  6. Corpgf January 31, 2013 at 3:30 pm #

    I never cheated on my husband. Didn’t meet the current AP until months after my marriage was over. As for me lying about my story, what would be the purpose? This is anonymous.

    • Cheatersarecowards January 31, 2013 at 4:52 pm #

      Corpgf,
      You left an abusive marriage for an abusive relationship. That is a cycle that will continue to destroy your well-being. Leave that cheating, weak, selfish ass, get some insight with a good counsellor, develop boundaries. And break the cycle of destruction. Leave the abusers behind.
      Get healthy.
      Don’t justify staying with a man that cheats on his family with you. Life is too precious to waste it on people that don’t value you, respect you, or love you. But you must start with valuing yourself, respecting yourself, and living yourself. How do you want to be treated? Hurting a family for your own selfish wants is disgusting. You can and should treat others with more respect and dignity.

  7. Cheatersarecowards January 31, 2013 at 4:54 pm #

    Starting with yourself. Today.

  8. Lysee February 14, 2013 at 5:02 pm #

    I am glad I found this post. It is eye opening into the mindset of my single exOM. We finally decided to end it because he couldn’t bear the jealousy and pain of sharing me any more. I knew it hurt him but until now didn’t realize that it was those stupid everyday things that really bothered him. He had mentioned it a few times but I didn’t understand until now why that mattered to him so much. You see I stopped having sex with my husband in an effort to try to give my OM some peace of mind. Sex only occured once every 2-3 months with my husband. I don’t need judgement here.

    The affair is over though my exOM can’t handle complete no contact so we stay in touch through texts. I try to minimize the contact and not reach out to him much but he does reach out to me. He’s very hurt and has cried several times when I try to cut him off completely. I found him on dating site and I see that’s a sign he’s moving which is bittersweet. I do love him but this whole situation just isn’t right for his or my well being.

    I’m now of the mindset that I do have to work on the issues that caused me to cheat in the first place. I’m not proud of what I did and never thought I would find my self in this situation but life does throw some pretty crazy curve balls at you.

    The hard part is that the “love” you feel during the affair is intoxicating and it makes it really hard to go back to the marriage that is boring in comparison to the affair. I feel addicted to this other man and struggle with daily fantasies of “what if” scenarios. I struggle with the feeling that I wish I could get a chance to be with this man. Totally confused and just wish this had never started in the first place.

    • Cheatersarecowards February 15, 2013 at 6:14 pm #

      Lysee,
      I am not replying to your comment in judgement. What I will say is this:
      It is obvious you put more thought and concern for the boyfriend than you do your husband. Though your marriage is “boring”, your husband does not deserve this treatment. If you put a little more care and effort into your marriage as you do the boyfriend, you just might have a good marriage. The”love” you are talking about that you have with your boyfriend is the beginning stages of infatuation. The newness. Feeling butterflies. Lust. All very exciting. However, when you settle down with a person, spend years with a person, it becomes companionate love. A love that brings security, stability, of knowing your best friend and trusting each other. But it takes effort and a little fertilizing to keep your marriage exciting during the peaks and valleys of long term marriage.
      Passion fades Lysee. In every relationship. The newness does get old. But the depth and the character a marriage develops over time is a beautiful sight to see.
      If you don’t have what it takes or don’t want to invest in your faithful husband get out. He deserves a woman that will treat him with dignity and respect. If you do choose to work in your marriage, cut off the affair completely. Tell your husband the truth of your actions. Everything. Be prepared for him to experience shock, overwhelming pain, sadness, anger, hurt and devestating PTSD. But he just might be willing to give you another chance. Maybe not. Time for you to do the inner work and outer work of why you cheated.
      Don’t feel bad for your boyfriend. He am assuming he knew you were married and got involved anyway. Pretty selfish and stupid on his part. The outcome was never going to be a good one. He is a grown up and will have to deal the consequences of his actions. It isn’t your job to fix him or worry about him.
      Please do the inner work Lysee. You won’t change the cycle of bad behavior if you do not. Learn to live with honesty, integrity. Authentically. Good luck to Lysee. Hope all the best for you.

  9. The Married Woman February 16, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    I am a married woman that has met a single man online that I am falling in love with.
    We have not met because well —- I’m Married. As long as I’m married – there will be no meeting. My situation is that I do have an extremely emotionally abusive spouse. It’s been that way since the beginning. I never know whether he’s gentle Jeckyll or Horrible Hyde, but I respect the fact that I’m married and wish I hadn’t made the mistake of visiting chat rooms last year. You ask why I won’t leave — we have children and I’m disabled. My spouse is a great father but a horrible husband. Honestly I’m afraid he’d use my disability to try and take my children. He’s also abused me once in the past before marriage (although its been 13 years ago – the fear is there knowing that he IS capable of physical violence). So I walk in egg shells in my every day life. This man I met online is … Something I’ve never experienced. So… Before you say I’m selfish , or anything else think about what your saying. My husband has cheated several times over the years as well (at least twice for sure). I had never even contemplated or looked at another man until last year (13 yrs of marriage …18 years together)…I just got fed up — visited a chat room for the first time ..met this guy after visiting for several months. It started out just playful flirting then over time friendship. Now — we find ourselves talking love. He hates that I’m married and we both agree we should NEVER meet unless one day my situation changes. But we both also agree we could never stop communicating.

  10. CheatersArePeopleToo April 22, 2013 at 7:54 am #

    Wow…
    Cheatersarecowards , I feel a lot grudge for cheating people:
    “Maybe your husband kicked you out because you were flirting with other men or having an affair that you now lie about. Cheaters lie.”
    “Cheaters are dishonorable, disloyal people who will sell the gold in their grandmothers teeth for personal gain. So, forgive me if I question your story.”
    Seriously? How can you even say that?
    “They are cheaters and liars and poachers. ”
    REALLY? POACHERS?
    I do not know who caused you so much pain and cheated on you, but it seems to me it clouds your judgment of how things really are… you see things very black and white – and that is never the case in real life.
    Please, I am not looking for a fight, but it is important to me to speak out for the other side.
    “The initial decision to be unfaithful is rarely ever a rational choice; instead infidelity is usually driven by circumstances and one’s emotions. In fact, most people are surprised by their own behavior at the start of an affair”
    (a quote from: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html)
    This, of course, does not mean cheaters are not responsible for their actions, but it does portray them differently that the: ” are dishonorable, disloyal people who will sell the gold in their grandmothers teeth for personal gain”, (you really went too far there.)
    Think about it, if the woman in question (I’m referring to MyNameIsTom’s love) has both a lover AND a husband admire her and love her, and want to be with her… you know what? Maybe she deserves it. Maybe she does possess a quality of worth, if she is admired so. Maybe she’s funny and intelligent and amazin in bed. Had she been the evil whore you claim her to be.. She wouldn’t be loved as much.
    Giving it some thought, I’m sure you’d agree, most affairs happen because you don’t get the emotional satisfaction from the relationship/marriage you are in.
    It starts because you’re boiling up with BOREDOM. (It takes a very determined person to break up on that ground. No one would JUST LEAVE cause they’re bored… but subconsciously you will start looking outside, instead of ways to keep your marriage working. It is as if you develop a grudge for your spouse for the emptiness you feel) So you lift the lid a bit – to blow the steam of tediousness in an adrenaline rush.
    And here comes the dilemma:
    Do I stay or do I go?
    Some might think: “It’s just a passing thing, it will end soon and I’ll go back to the boredom like nothing happened”
    And that is an option. But sooner or later you will find yourself needing excitment again..
    Because too many people are jumping into BORING relationships, while looking for TRUST & SECURITY, basing their marriage on FRIENDSHIP.
    And I say, fine, go ahead… This formula works better than many others
    This is officially the best formula for A COMFORTABLE QUIET LIFE. (or as CheatersAreWhores described it: “A love that brings security, stability, of knowing your best friend and trusting each other. But the depth and the character a marriage develops over time is a beautiful sight to see.”

    *SIGH* REALLY? Romantic much? I could never settle for being married to my best friend. I have my best friend to be my best friend. What I want from a partner is quite different. Friendship is but a fraction of it. That whole: “having a good companion-friend, is the best it can get in marriage” thing is NOT FOR EVERYONE.
    Don’t get me wrong – I’m not bashing comfort and serenity… I’m all for it if that’s what you’re looking for. But I am against the idea it is the best thing there is… the ONLY way there is to happiness.
    But of all the things you said, CheatersDeserveToDie, this one really makes me face palm:
    “He cheated with you and on you already.. What would stop him from doing so again? How can you build a solid relationship with someone when the foundation is lies, deceit, not honoring commitment, boundaries, disrespect, sneaking around, dishonesty, and cheating.”
    You can. You can BIG TIME.
    The best marriage I’m aware of, is of two people who did exactly that.
    Because, as a matter of fact, leaving the comfort and stability of a marriage, sacrificing it, only to be with the other person, creates a deeper bond between people, that all your silly vows and paper could. Whats more is that you both know what the other is capable of, and you work harder to keep your relationship going. Because you know the other person CAN and WILL leave a relationship, a marriage, a commitment if they’re not happy in it.
    The reason they are with you is because THEY WANT TO (not because they are used to, or feel legally obliged to make you comfortable, or because you have mortgage with them… but because they truly want to be with you.. and have proven so by making sacrifice and altering their lives.
    And here’s the necessary disclaimer: I do not promote cheating not do I claim all affairs are to end in great romance.
    What I do claim is: people who are cheating with one person are more than capable of committing themselves to another, and having an honest relationship with another person.
    Cheaters are not poachers. Your spouse is not your property. They’re free thinking people sucked into a grey ocean of boring everyday life. If you spend your time together watching movies and don’t have the slightest emotional desire to get sexy and romantic… it has started, one of you is BORING the other, and maybe it’s vice versa.
    Honestly though… I never understood why: “I’m bored with hier” does not carry the same accusative weight as “I can’t trust him”

    • Cheatersarecowards September 4, 2013 at 3:56 am #

      You know what is funny? It was the cheater spouse who was boring as hell in my relationship. Never wanted to go out, do anything, go on a vaca, hang out with friends, or me and our kids… Gained a ton of weight, neglected his looks during the affair(s).. I was so lonely, sad, depressed.
      I was the one suffocating w utter boredom and neglect and I still chose to be faithful. Why? because in marriage/partnership you give to help your spouse in love and commitment. Sorry, but I have news for you: all relationships and friendships can get boring. It takes effort from both parties to keep them alive. I thought the spouse needed understanding, love, patience, attention.. Naaaah…. Spouse was just out having a relationship and dicking around with someone else.
      After I found I could not trust spouse either? There was nothing to save. Neglect made sense. I took off. And have not looked back.
      Obviously, you put more weight on passion than commitment. I would say that cheaters typically do. I am for passion, romance, and adventure. Boring is not an adjective that people would use to describe my personality whatsoever.
      It takes effort to keep romance and passion alive in marriage. That is where the commitment comes in. That is where I put my weight. To the person I promised to be true and loving the day we exchanged vows.
      When I found out the spouse chose to step outside? Nope. Done. Bye.
      So I think your argument is full of shit where I am concerned.

      • MyNameIsTOM September 22, 2013 at 1:00 pm #

        And there it is. You finally admit the source of your vitriol. I’m sorry for your personal pain. I imagine it must be hell. However, the way you have chosen to deal with it is unhealthy. I really hope you seek counseling and find peace.

        • Cheatersarecowards September 26, 2013 at 3:10 am #

          MNIT,
          Thank you for your kind words. I am in a better place and have found peace. I have not looked back. I do not regret being a good spouse in my marriage. And through overcoming this experience, I have learned to live in the present and be grateful for opportunities that have come into my life. A common misconception is that betrayed spouses are either weak, bitter, boring, dowdy, or whatever. And the cheating spouse was driven to cheat. But really whatever problems lie in a marriage or relationship, communication and working together or ending it is the healthy way to go about it before you begin a relationship with someone else. Life does not have to be so complicated.
          I want to point out that I am so outraged by people who cheat in 99% of cases is because it is abusive to their spouse/partner. That is all. I have spouted off enough already on why it is abusive. Good luck to you MNIT and hope you find peace as well.

        • jessie August 27, 2014 at 12:43 pm #

          Yep Tom but you are one guts out fuck all marry woman hope neve see I person real.fuck up you if same Tom look for you last one fuck around with marry woman i put ever never ben .really in dnt be there I dnt think lost my life be short

          • MyNameIsTOM September 22, 2014 at 3:38 pm #

            Jessie,

            I would love to respond to you. However, your comment is unintelligible. Clearly you are angry and probably hurt. I wish you healing and happiness.

            MNIT

            PS It does appear that you wish you could meet me and you are attempting to threaten me. For your sake, it is probably good that you do not have the opportunity to confront me IRL. It wouldn’t end well for you.

  11. devastated May 10, 2013 at 12:02 am #

    True. It would be boring to be married to a person who you felt no passion for. You have to keep the love alive. In my case my husband cheated with a younger single woman for several reasons. He was grieving his Dad’s death, bored with his job, bored with life& yes, bored with me. He also knew I was unhappy with his lack of attention and help at home when we both worked full time, but I did the majority of kid care, house stuff and finances. And no I was not a nag, just the opposite. I avoided conflict and so did he so we just did not talk much past the mundane. Enter Miss 27 intern who he met at school where he taught a class on occasion. She flirted, hung on every word and asked him to lunch on a Saturday knowing he was married. To his discredit he went and told her about his bad terrible wife who only married him to have kids. Umm, that would be me, the woman who was just then cleaning his house, taking care of his kids, making his dinner thinking he was helping a friend and still in love with him after 15 years together despite our problems. They basically tore our marriage apart over the next year or two. Five years later my husband remorse has eaten him alive. He says his stupidity damn near cost him not just his family, but his wife, his lover, his best friend and his very life because it almost cost him me over something so shallow and selfish as that. What we both had to learn was that love is not a feeling you fall into. It’s a verb an action you choose.

  12. Rossco August 22, 2013 at 3:48 pm #

    MyNameIsTOM, I Find myself in a similar situation. My closest friends are all telling me to walk away as they believe that this will all end in tears for me. But they have no idea the connection I have with this woman. How when I am with her feel more alive than I have with anyone else, and more importantly she is the only person that I feel comfortable being with.

    I am an educated man, in a responsible job and know that morally she is the wrong, but we can’t help who we fall for and who makes us happy. I know I will probably get hurt, but the good feeling I have with her outweighs this. And yes I may be wasting my time, and could be happy with someone who can give me a real relationship and that I can share my life with, but there is also a chance that she may in time give me what i want and need.

    Good looking buddy, hope you have a happy ending… Live by the fact its your life and do what makes you happy, as long as it legal!!! I only have one life live it!!!!

    Cheers

    Rossco

    • MyNameIsTOM September 22, 2013 at 1:07 pm #

      I know all too well the feeling of trying to make sense of a complicated situation. If I understand you correctly, this relationship is new for you. If I were to give you any advice, it would be to extract yourself from it while it is still possible. Only the death of my father has caused me more pain. It has taken a great deal of effort to survive. I lost 50 lbs over the past year.

      Having said that, we are finally on the other side. Her divorce was final this past week. She is living in a new townhouse (alone). Today we are planning our next steps into our future.

      I do not condone or approve of my actions over the past year. But I understand them. And I guarantee you that I will never repeat them.

      I wish you well. And I hope you all escape with the least amount of destruction possible.

      • CheatersArePeopleToo October 29, 2013 at 12:21 pm #

        Tom,

        I really do hope this works out for you and the lady.

        Congratulations for the divorce!

      • Lina December 9, 2014 at 2:54 pm #

        Wish you happiness and love forever.
        But you said it was really hard. Which part of the ordeal was the hardest?

  13. Linda November 11, 2013 at 5:28 am #

    Tom,
    You are a brave man. I admire what you did. Nobody should blame you for pursusing your happiness. I bet there are people out there lost their chances for happiness because they just gave up.

  14. Same As You December 15, 2013 at 2:21 pm #

    Whatever you’re doing, just make sure the woman clearly knows what she wants and can commit to her words, if that’s the case, I truly believe this can work out, because this is what I believe in. Also, if the woman is willing to ease the pain for her husband, then it’s a good sign.

  15. Emmma April 2, 2014 at 3:55 pm #

    Marriage is a man-made, religious institution. What you believers call cheating is called sexual diversity in biology…… Get over yourselves….. Self righteous asses….

  16. Ms. Confused July 4, 2014 at 9:35 am #

    I searched why men love married women, and I was directed into this. I liked the way things turned out with you Tom. We can’t choose who we fall for. However, what I’m trying to do now is, I want to end my affair with him cause. I want to get out of it. My AP is my ex-boyfriend who happened to dump me for no apparent reason back in college. I got hurt badly, it hurt my ego. We are both in love – we haven’t really gotten over each other, probably. My conscience tells me to end the affair, cause I don’t want to hurt my husband. I have no plans of ending my marriage. And yet, I am even uncertain how I got myself into this. Each time I want to end it, my emotions drag me back.

    • MyNameIsTOM July 17, 2014 at 4:12 pm #

      Are you seeing a counselor/therapist? I highly recommend that you find a psychologist you trust. You need to work through this before you can be present in your life. And you owe it to yourself and the men involved to do that.

  17. Susan October 20, 2014 at 8:36 pm #

    MyNameIsTOM,
    I have experienced exactly the same thing, having recently left my husband after 26 years of marriage in order to be true to myself and be able to be with my single lover. My husband is a wonderful man, and I could no longer hide the truth from him, it was killing me inside, but I knew that I truly had found what I had been searching for all my life with my lover. He has never married, he’s 49 and I’m 48. On top of that, we are also dealing with the fact that our relationship is interracial. Thank you for your post, it’s so hard to find stories like ours anywhere online, that seem to really understand all the complexity of long term relationships, and that not everyone fits into the “box” of cultural values. Many people are content to live a life without passion; I am proud to say I am not one of them. The heart wants what the heart wants.

  18. Bubsarereal October 27, 2014 at 9:02 pm #

    Well sadly, I am the women married and completely and utterly in love with a single man who desperately loves me back. My situation is a little different. My husband was never married and never had intentions of getting married. Obviously, he saw things differently later and decided to make me his wife. He is 11 years older than me. I had been married since I was 19 and divorced by 28 with 3 kids. In the beginning, it wAs everything I could have dreamed of not fairytale or passion but fun. I was doing things I had never done before. I was exploring and taking adventures and I needed that having been such a young mom. The problem is my husband is now 51 and still wants to continue that lifestyle. Concerts, bars and festivals. My family life is void. My kids rarely visit any more bc WE are lacking so much. My husband has made a habit of leaving me every year at least 3 times a year. He retreats to his single brothers house and does not make contact. I cry. The last time He left was March this year. I didn’t cry. I got out. I was ok with him leaving and didn’t beg him to come home. Then I met him. The kindest most gentle deserving man I have ever met. While the passion is undeniable. It’s not just that. It’s the coffee talks, it’s the warmth of his hugs, the sincerity in his words. I can go on and on. There is nothing lacking. Everything is perfect with the exception of the “normalcy”.

    Then my husband comes back home out of the blue. I was comfortable yet not without him.
    Last night T (not my husband) called it off. It’s too hard on him all the same things everyone feels. I am devastated. I know what we have it sounds much like your relationship. It’s just not looking like a happy ending for me. I’m trying to leave, I’m just scared. Scared to death and I don’t even know what I’m scared of. Maybe change or the unknown but it’s paralyzing. I am no longer in love with my husband and I haven’t been in a long time. That spot is reserved for someone else. I didn’t plan this and I didn’t ask for it. It just happened and I’m
    Glad it did. He “t” sent me this link this morning and it has helped me through today. I wish I could move faster for him. I don’t want to lose him but I do understand. I’m not proud of my behavior. I am in love. No one wishes I wasn’t more than me. Thank you for your story and I am very happy for both of you. I have made a appointment for counseling as a result of your story. Thank you and good luck on a love filled future.

    I am sure there will be some haters. Go ahead I earned it but I can assure you, you can’t beat me up more than I do myself. I know who I am right now. I feel like a coward. The difference is I have no plans on staying one.

    • MyNameIsTOM December 12, 2014 at 10:32 pm #

      I was very sad after reading your comments. And I am afraid that you are not going to like what I have to say to you. You aren’t ready to begin a relationship. Your single man was right to “call it off.” You have a tremendous amount of work to do without having to expend emotional energy trying to nurture a new relationship. To try to do so would set you up for more heartache and failure. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and your single man to focus your energies on resolving your marital issues, one way or another. Do what you have to do in order to actually be happy! Life is hard, life is messy. And it takes work… hard work. You need to work on yourself. Get your own head together before you can offer anything of substance to a new relationship. Medical students are taught primum non nocere, a Latin phrase that means “first, do no harm.” If you are going to heal, first stop harming yourself and others. Figure out who you are alone. Trust me, taking that journey with the single man in tow will hurt both of you. We’ve made it through to the other side. But there are a LOT of battle scars. And we had no children involved. Even knowing what I know now, I doubt I could survive if I had to do it all again. I know with every fiber of my being that I will never be involved in an affair again. It’s a brutal business. I’m glad you said you were going to seek counseling. Give it everything you’ve got. Be 100% honest. Take care of yourself. You can find happiness in yourself first, and perhaps with a partner when you’re healthy. Best wishes to you!

  19. Bubsarereal October 27, 2014 at 9:24 pm #

    I need to clarify my current husband is not the father of my children. I married him at 32 and I am now 40. We have been together now for 12 years. I have no children with him you would think it’s an easy break. It’s just not. I am financially somewhat dependent upon him based on our current financial obligations. Any advice is appreciated.

  20. Lina December 9, 2014 at 2:56 pm #

    Wishing you best luck and lots of love.
    You mentioned, Tom that it was really hard.
    If you don’t mind – which part?

    • MyNameIsTOM December 12, 2014 at 3:03 am #

      It would be impossible to say which was the hardest part. Initially it was agonizing to leave her knowing they were together when we were apart. In my experience, I had just met an enchanting woman and the idea that I didn have her to myself was brutal. There is no question that I could not survive that again. Then there was the struggle with accepting that my behavior was not aligned with my deeply ingrained self-image. There was a heavy cognitive dissonance between my actions and my stated values. I came face to face with the reality of being capable of doing something I abhorred and repeating it again and again. I struggled with my baser nature… and lost. That takes a toll on your self-identity. It is pretty demoralizing to have people respect you for your character and integrity and know your skeletons are performing a ballet in the closet. Then it was hard to stand in front of the people affected by my (our) behavior and accept their condemnation, knowing that it was deserved. And it is hard to look back at some of our sweetest memories from the beginning because they are tainted by the circumstances. And it was hard to stay together while she grappled with the guilt of her actions and with letting go of someone she loved for so long. That was really hard to watch. So, you can see that each step along the way had its own version of Hell.

  21. Lina December 9, 2014 at 3:03 pm #

    To all like Cheatersarecowards.
    Few month ago I was perfect wife for 22 years and
    I had never thought of cheating.
    However sex was absent in our lives due to stress
    at work…blah blah blah and I wasn’t feeling like I need any.
    Relationships with husband grew into friendship.
    Like I said I was just like you – judgmental to the core of
    anyone who liked sex or talked about sex or had PDA.
    When all of a sudden I found myself in a situation when I
    am head over hills in love and there is nothing I can do about it
    and life has changed and I am stupid, crazy, horny 48 y/old woman
    who doesn’t give a damn about what people like you think.
    Because I was YOU and you hadn’t been ME. So go on with your hate.
    I will go on with my love.

Leave a Reply