How I Craft The Perfect Alibi

The perfect alibiMy creative mind I inherited from my mother, having watched her painstakingly apply diamanté crystals to my doll’s wedding dress. The affair side of my nature came from my father, although it’s a topic my brother and I debate most Christmases, as to who passed on their cheating genes to us.

With every affair, comes the need for a solid set of alibis, and like all beginners I started with the basics, but soon my creative mind sought new challenges. On some occasions, the alibis were more exciting than the affairs themselves, with no disrespect to my current partner.

THE BASICS

The majority of cheaters will say they are working late, attending a gym class or club meeting. They will consider themselves smart to save their lover’s name as only initials, or worse, as their best friend’s name: “Hey, Cathy just called. She’s asked if I’ll help her bake cookies”. Have you ever considered that these clichéd lines are the very excuses which get you caught? Check your contact list on your phone. How many genuine contacts do you have saved under initials only? And what happens when your spouse sees your friend at a baseball game, when you are supposedly frosting cherry pie?

To become a first class cheater, you need to develop your own set of alibis, tailor made to your circumstances, which no-one would ever consider fake. Here are a few of mine for inspiration.

THE ROYAL BANK OF ALIBIS

The RB of A is like any other Bank. You can make deposits and withdrawals and it is open 24/7 for your convenience. So how does it work? The basic concept is that you save snippets of information which can be used at a later date. Some of these “deposits” are short term; whereas others can be banked indefinitely.

Say you bump into an old friend Suzie who you haven’t seen in a while. She invites you for coffee and you spend two hours catching up on the past. Normally you would tell your spouse in the evening of your meeting with Suzie. Instead you “bank” it. Three days later, your lover asks if you can meet him after work. You text your spouse “You’ll never guess who I’ve just bumped into…..sorry I’ll be a little late”. When you return home you enthusiastically recall the events of three days before.

I once had to visit a Government office to collect paperwork. The opening hours were 8am to 8pm. I went in my lunch hour for the documents, but decided to “bank” them. The next day I told my husband I would be collecting the papers after work and would be late home. That evening at 9.00pm I rushed in from meeting my lover, placed the papers on the table and sighed because I had been last in the queue.

On some occasions, the alibis were more exciting than the affairs themselves

The long term deposits work equally as well. “Debbie thought it would be fun if we had a girlie weekend in the summer, just the two of us. Would that be ok?” Debbie lives in another country and has never met your husband. You book the hotel and flights, but the week before, Debbie’s pet Chihuahua has taken ill. It would be a pity to cancel the flights, so “maybe I’ll just go on my own”. Meanwhile your sexy lover is waiting for you in the Hotel bar.

ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE

My best friend visits me twice a year and we enjoy some girlie time together. A year ago, I asked her if she would be up for a blind date. We went out just the two of us as usual, but “accidentally on purpose” bumped into my lover and his friend. We went to dinner then a bar and a nightclub. We were even spotted by a few people we knew but it didn’t matter, because we had met the boys by accident. She actually had a long distance relationship with my lover’s friend for 6 months and we used the accidentally on purpose excuse regularly. We even managed a long weekend away: the girls booked one room; the guys booked a separate room, then we played an adult version of musical beds.

THE MOVIE STAR

I once appeared in a TV commercial. My friend suggested I audition for the part and I attended two casting sessions which ran well into the evening. I was amazed when I was offered the part and took great pride in sitting my husband down to watch the commercial. A few months later, I needed an urgent excuse. “Hey, you’ll never guess? The production company of that commercial I did a few months back have asked if I’d be interested in doing another”. I attended two phantom casting sessions but sadly I didn’t get the part. “Never mind”, he said, “maybe next time”.

THE OSCAR PERFORMANCE

A long distance relationship requires its own special set of alibis. If you need to embark on an 8 hour flight to meet the guy you’ve been sexting for months, you want to make that trip worthwhile. A week’s holiday would be ideal, but how do you pull that one off?

The first time we met, I used the excuse of visiting a friend I hadn’t seen for years. To reach her, I needed an en-route stop-over. My lover visited me on the stop-over for three days; but what about the next time? This story is what I consider my Alibi Oscar Performance.

When I returned home, I told my husband about three girls I had met on my stop-over. They met four times per year, always in a different place. I said that I had become friendly with these girls and that they had invited me on their next trip. I created a fake email address for one of the girls I named Carla. Once a week she would email her news and the girls’ travel plans. Of course I was writing to myself, and I always left the emails open for my husband to see. We communicated flights, hotels and even restaurant bookings in my name. I went on that trip, but with my lover.

The emails continued, and the second trip was planned. On the previous vacation I hadn’t taken any photos, so this time I needed an album to show my husband. I spotted a girl at the swimming pool with her boyfriend and snapped a few pictures of her alone. However I really needed photos of the two of us together and time was running out. I approached her and told her that she was a dead ringer for my sister, and would she mind if I took some photos of us together to show her. The stranger obliged and I managed to get the photos needed to complete my album. I don’t even have a sister, but she was my friend Carla, the girl I would meet on at least another two vacations.

YOUR CREATIVE MIND

Some of my alibis have been extreme; however not once has my husband questioned their authenticity. So the next time you consider working overtime at the office, try and be a little creative. Maybe now is the time to open your own account at the Royal Bank of Alibis.

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About Smiler

Smiler has been involved in affairs throughout her adult life, spanning two marriages and 30 years. She believes that no person can satisfy the complete needs of another human being and refuses to be the chattel of one man. She therefore seeks to enhance her life experience and fulfilment by engaging in secret extra marital relationships. Part of the thrill of her affairs, is enjoying a variety of men of different ages, professions, cultures and financial status; although she has never run two affairs concurrently. A successful business woman, she has been married for 14 years to an older man and has no children. Her hobbies include writing, travel, swimming and socialising, preferably with men.

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3 Responses to How I Craft The Perfect Alibi

  1. JohnQPublic January 21, 2013 at 10:43 pm #

    Great article! Very well-written & informative.

  2. tallgirl January 26, 2013 at 2:03 am #

    That Oscar Performance one is absolutely brilliant. I feel like I just read a script to a movie, honestly. ;)

  3. Nadali February 2, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

    Great article! …

    I thought it was interesting about using parts of the truth – like I meet someone and when describing them, I say oh he weighs 180. Now, I am meaning 180 lbs, but they assume I mean 180 kg. So, they are thinking he’s built like a sumo wrestler, when actually he is very trim and in good shape. Or I tell someone my email address is CoolNadali, they assume it’s @yahoo.com and maybe it’s actually @gmail.com. Little things like that. You could later say oh, I made a mistake or you misunderstood.

    This type of thinking is not just for misleading your partner, but for many things where you need an alibi or an excuse. I know it’s better to tell the truth – but, this article was interesting, fun and Very Informative. Satirical in a way.

    Thanks.

    Nadali

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