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Why Have an Affair? (I come in peace, serious question)
December 31, 2012
12:04 am
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Full disclosure from me up front: I'm happily married with 3 kids (teen, tween and younger), to my knowledge there has never been any infidelity within my marriage, and my wife and I communicate with each other quite well. I am not a supporter of infidelity, but I am not a bitter and jaded person who has been betrayed in a relationship – meaning I have no venom that I intend to spew towards any of you on this board. I realize this is your board and that I am merely a visitor here, so I do not intend to be disrespectful in your "home".

As my thread title states, I question the rationale behind engaging in an extramarital affair. The logical approach to take – IMHO – is to leave if you are unhappy with your marriage/relationship, and you do not see the situation getting any better. My viewpoint is that an affair is an unnecessary action that causes harm to many people aside from the two people having the affair along with the betrayed spouses, GFs or BFs in relationships with the affair partners. Despite the logic, people still gravitate towards having affairs. Why is that?

December 31, 2012
12:11 am
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Affairs are an escape, they make you feel good.
All humans have hurts and pains and sufferings. Some turn to spirituality to ease them. Some turn to drugs or drinking. Some find solace in affairs. It is absolutely intoxicating.

I have a question for you. If your marriage and life is so perfect, how the heck did you find yourself on an affair board of all places? I suspect curiosity. Well, curiosity can also lead to affairs. :)

December 31, 2012
12:25 am
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IF you are serious, then the answer to your question is found by reading ALL the posts here. We ask ourselves this question over, and over again.

You will not find anyone who posts here with any regularity, taking their affair lightly. This is not done on a lark.

So please, read through this board, there are thousands of posts. Most of the pain is on the half of the wayward spouse, not the betrayed spouse.

December 31, 2012
12:26 am
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"miss chevious" wrote: Affairs are an escape, they make you feel good.
All humans have hurts and pains and sufferings. Some turn to spirituality to ease them. Some turn to drugs or drinking. Some find solace in affairs. It is absolutely intoxicating.

I have a question for you. If your marriage and life is so perfect, how the heck did you find yourself on an affair board of all places? I suspect curiosity. Well, curiosity can also lead to affairs. :)

Excellent question m.c.
Why would he be looking on an affair forum? Or even know that there was an affair forum?
I would never have thought to look for a site like Doccool before I realized my M was shit.
I think something is not quite right here. ;)

December 31, 2012
12:51 am
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"Plan 9 from OS" wrote: The logical approach to take – IMHO – is to leave if you are unhappy with your marriage/relationship, and you do not see the situation getting any better. My viewpoint is that an affair is an unnecessary action that causes harm to many people aside from the two people having the affair along with the betrayed spouses, GFs or BFs in relationships with the affair partners. Despite the logic, people still gravitate towards having affairs. Why is that?

As Mr. Spock would say "Logic is a little tweeting bird chirping in a meadow. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell bad."

There are often things that make the idea of D impossible. Many people do not do so because they want the children to grow up in a "stable" home environment. There may be financial issues as well that prevent a D. There may be social pressures (even in this day and age). Many times the bad evolves over time and only then will someone consider an A as a temporary or perhaps permanent measure. In many instances the A becomes Plan B, namely the resurrection of the dead part of you (some pun intended on the film used for your moniker).

For instance, my OW makes me feel alive again. She makes me feel young. She makes me feel appreciated. However with my W I find myself being criticized for everything; to her relatives and friends I'm the devil's spawn. She does the same with my daughter. D is not possible at this time, although the planning has begun for a day in the future when I tell her I've had enough.

If I had an idyllic life then I probably would not have begun an A. But life does not always result in a happy ending whether with 50+ years of M or a D to resolve everything.

Like many of the others who have responded to your query I suggest that you take some time reading (particularly the introduction posts) and you'll see the reasons we have chosen an option that would make us pariahs in the world of happy-ever-after marriages.

December 31, 2012
12:58 am
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"miss chevious" wrote: Affairs are an escape, they make you feel good.
All humans have hurts and pains and sufferings. Some turn to spirituality to ease them. Some turn to drugs or drinking. Some find solace in affairs. It is absolutely intoxicating.

I have a question for you. If your marriage and life is so perfect, how the heck did you find yourself on an affair board of all places? I suspect curiosity. Well, curiosity can also lead to affairs. :)

I learned about the doccool forum from another marriage forum – talkaboutmarriage. The reason I'm on here is primarily curiosity on my part. My marriage is very good, and I am definitely not looking to have an affair. But the reason why I first looked at relationship forums like talkaboutmarriage and love shack is to soak in a variety of viewpoints on these forums, offer advice to others based on my personal experience being married for 16 years and see if there is anything else that I can learn from others' experiences in relationships. I have no agenda aside from trying to learn more about people and what makes them tick. I'm not here to troll anyone, but I have no problem engaging in these discussions and providing my viewpoints.

Like I said in my first post, I disclosed up front that I do not see the utility in engaging in an affair, but I would like to learn more about why people feel that having an affair is the logical conclusion to make based upon the state of your marriage. Why wouldn't the logical conclusion be to simply divorce instead of engaging in the affair?

If it makes you guys more comfortable to talk to me, would you prefer that I answer some questions that you may have for me first before we engage in any discussions?

December 31, 2012
12:59 am
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I'm inclined to go with both Tom and Bored's opinions as well.. Why even google affairs if you have never been touched by one in your marriage nor have any desire to go that route..

I will say this A's can happen to any marriage so don't assume that you are immune to one.. Yes some people seek them out when they are not getting their needs met in some parts of their marriages but don't want to leave their spouses because of the kids, finances or other reasons.. Some people just find themselves in A's before they realize they are in one.. It starts off innocently enough.. A friendship with a co worker or neighbour, you start sharing things, find common interests and bam before you know it your in an A..

I've had a few affairs, some of them I sought out some I wasn't looking for and just found myself in the situation.. I recently left my marriage ( not A related at all) because my marriage was beyond fixing and after 3 affairs in a 6 year marriage I figured I owed it to myself and my ex husband to leave.. I'm still in an A with my MM because I don't want the commitment of a regular relationship.. My MM has no intentions of leaving his wife and I'm ok with that.. In fact I think if he were to come to me tomorrow and say I'm leaving her I would end things because I would not want to be with him in real life..

Just my two cents

December 31, 2012
1:03 am
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I will read some of the new member bio threads and other threads as many of you suggested, but I'd still like to post if no one minds. Honestly, I have no intention of trying to flame anyone nor hurl insults at you guys.

December 31, 2012
1:14 am

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We are a welcoming group and try to accept all viewpoints. We often have betrayed spouses that visit us to ask why. It's an individual answer for each of us.

In my case, I have a very sick spouse and my physical and emotional needs haven't been met in a long time. I struggle with my choices on a daily basis. My marriage cannot be "fixed", it is what it is. I have sought out counseling, and I have turned to my spiritual side as well. I have yet to find an answer to my problem, only a temporary patch.

December 31, 2012
1:21 am
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"Urban_decay" wrote: I'm inclined to go with both Tom and Bored's opinions as well.. Why even google affairs if you have never been touched by one in your marriage nor have any desire to go that route..

I will say this A's can happen to any marriage so don't assume that you are immune to one.. Yes some people seek them out when they are not getting their needs met in some parts of their marriages but don't want to leave their spouses because of the kids, finances or other reasons.. Some people just find themselves in A's before they realize they are in one.. It starts off innocently enough.. A friendship with a co worker or neighbour, you start sharing things, find common interests and bam before you know it your in an A..

I've had a few affairs, some of them I sought out some I wasn't looking for and just found myself in the situation.. I recently left my marriage ( not A related at all) because my marriage was beyond fixing and after 3 affairs in a 6 year marriage I figured I owed it to myself and my ex husband to leave.. I'm still in an A with my MM because I don't want the commitment of a regular relationship.. My MM has no intentions of leaving his wife and I'm ok with that.. In fact I think if he were to come to me tomorrow and say I'm leaving her I would end things because I would not want to be with him in real life..

Just my two cents

To reiterate, I did not google infidelity, cheating or troubled marriage. I searched for relationship forums in order to learn, share, teach, offer advice, receive advice, etc. etc. My reasons are to do what I can to maintain a healthy marriage and to strengthen it further if at all possible.

I am not naive enough to assume that my marriage is 100% affair proof. However, I feel that my wife and I both do our parts to make our marriage as immune to infidelity as we possibly can. I realize that even the best laid plans of mice and men can go asunder…

I find the idea of an affair "just happening" to be curious and even a little disingenuous to be blunt about it. From what I've gathered through my life experiences, discussions with friends and what I've learned so far online is that the affair can almost always be traced back to a root cause. Either there are significant problems that have developed in the marriage, the wayward spouse entered into the marriage knowing that he/she was not in love with who they are marrying, physical/emotional abuse that results in a spouse trying to "escape" or some degree of emotional/mental defect is present within the wayward spouse. I know there are a few other reasons but these appear to be the 4 most common root causes that I've discovered so far.

One thing that I vehemently disagree with is the idea of staying with your spouse for the sake of the children. IMHO, this is a mistake that can seriously have unintended consequences down the road. Children are not stupid, and they can sense and/or discover that something is wrong. I believe that a number of kids internalize many of the problems between spouses that stay together for the wrong reason. My SIL cheated on her husband, the husband found out and they divorced. Right now her daughter is required to spend "X" amount of time with her mother but soon she will likely have nothing to do with her mother for a very long time if ever. The girl is not right, and the infidelity was a significant reason for why that is. That I have witnessed personally.

December 31, 2012
1:37 am
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I used to say exactly what you said "just leave". However, now that I am all grown-up – I realize that although yes it is the best thing to do – it is not always possible. When I got married – I was young and naieve (H is the only man I was ever with). I saw these small flaws in my husband's personality – but I thought my love for him would change all that. Well, I was right – these small flaws overtook his entire personality as the years went on – so he changed – for the worst. He became a verbally and emotionally abusive monster to me. He morphed into an overweight, uncaring, arrogant and plain mean person – but only to me. He is a good father and a good provider. My children are well cared for and well adjusted. Yes, they know mommy and daddy don't sleep in the same room (which happened long before I met OM) – but they think it is because daddy snores. My siblings and close friends know that I do not love him – and that as soon as my children are older – I am out. Would I love to leave now – YES!!! I would in a heartbeat if I only had to provide for myself – but there are alot of things I have to consider – not just the well-being of my children. It is a long story – but believe me – I have no choice but to stay.

I understand you came here to ask a question. I just hope you are not passing judgement. Until you know every single one of us personally, know our true stories and walked a mile in our shoes, you will never understand. Some people are in affairs just for the sex. I am not. My OM is one of the best things that has happened in my life. I never have and never will regret one minute of my relationship with him.

December 31, 2012
1:58 am
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"GGSB" wrote: I used to say exactly what you said "just leave". However, now that I am all grown-up – I realize that although yes it is the best thing to do – it is not always possible. When I got married – I was young and naieve (H is the only man I was ever with). I saw these small flaws in my husband's personality – but I thought my love for him would change all that. Well, I was right – these small flaws overtook his entire personality as the years went on – so he changed – for the worst. He became a verbally and emotionally abusive monster to me. He morphed into an overweight, uncaring, arrogant and plain mean person – but only to me. He is a good father and a good provider. My children are well cared for and well adjusted. Yes, they know mommy and daddy don't sleep in the same room (which happened long before I met OM) – but they think it is because daddy snores. My siblings and close friends know that I do not love him – and that as soon as my children are older – I am out. Would I love to leave now – YES!!! I would in a heartbeat if I only had to provide for myself – but there are alot of things I have to consider – not just the well-being of my children. It is a long story – but believe me – I have no choice but to stay.

I understand you came here to ask a question. I just hope you are not passing judgement. Until you know every single one of us personally, know our true stories and walked a mile in our shoes, you will never understand. Some people are in affairs just for the sex. I am not. My OM is one of the best things that has happened in my life. I never have and never will regret one minute of my relationship with him.

What are you trying to tell me in your first sentence – that I am not nuanced enough to understand the intricacies within a marriage? I want to believe that you are not insulting me here, but if you are then… :roll: I'm not a naive idealist either and I too have life experience on my side.

I'll try to search for your thread to see if I can find your story. But I find that normally when people make the "I'd love to do this but…" statements, it normally means that someone chose the path of least resistance. It's hard to make meaningful change if the situation is not urgent enough to do so. I'm not accusing you of doing this, and I will try to find your story to learn more about you, but these statements typically end up being nothing more than a flimsy excuse based on my experiences in life.

December 31, 2012
2:23 am
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Coming here and asking us about affairs is a little like going to an AA meeting and asking people about drinking. You can attend all the AA meetings you want. But until you have felt the pull of addiction, it's pretty hard to explain. Sure, drinking is bad, and who doesn't know that? Noone sets out to be an alcoholic.

Here's the thing – affairs and multiple partners have been going on since before we were humans. We are wired for it. You can paint a veneer of culture and religion over it, but that pull is there. It feels absolutely wonderful to connect with another human being in that electrical and fundamental way. It is indescribable. Even when the marriage is not so bad.

I feel like I'm trying to describe the way a good buzz feels to someone who is a teetotaller. I don't know that you can understand it.

December 31, 2012
2:26 am
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Plan 9 from OS,

We actually already have members on this forum that are trying to save us from ourselves, who tell everyone that they should leave their marriage instead of having an affair, no matter the individual circumstances. If that is your purpose of being here, that job is already taken.

To answer your question, there are as many reasons people have affairs as there are people. Everyone's circumstances are different.

P.S. You already seem really judgmental and you just got here.

December 31, 2012
2:38 am
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"HoneyBadger" wrote: Plan 9 from OS,

We actually already have members on this forum that are trying to save us from ourselves, who tell everyone that they should leave their marriage instead of having an affair, no matter the individual circumstances. If that is your purpose of being here, that job is already taken.

To answer your question, there are as many reasons people have affairs as there are people. Everyone's circumstances are different.

P.S. You already seem really judgmental and you just got here.

I'm no savior, but I cannot disagree with the other members you speak about.

I wouldn't say that I'm being judgmental. I would say that I see things differently and am expressing my opinion. Does that automatically mean that I must be labeled with an emotionally charged word simply because I express different ideas?

December 31, 2012
2:42 am
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If you can't fathom why coming here and expressing your opinion on this very contentious topic with a group of people who clearly feel strongly otherwise, then, my friend, you have more to learn about human nature than you think you know.

December 31, 2012
2:47 am
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"Plan 9 from OS" wrote: Plan 9 from OS,

We actually already have members on this forum that are trying to save us from ourselves, who tell everyone that they should leave their marriage instead of having an affair, no matter the individual circumstances. If that is your purpose of being here, that job is already taken.

To answer your question, there are as many reasons people have affairs as there are people. Everyone's circumstances are different.

P.S. You already seem really judgmental and you just got here.

I'm no savior, but I cannot disagree with the other members you speak about.

I wouldn't say that I'm being judgmental. I would say that I see things differently and am expressing my opinion. Does that automatically mean that I must be labeled with an emotionally charged word simply because I express different ideas?

Telling someone, "but these statements typically end up being nothing more than a flimsy excuse based on my experiences in life" and "One thing that I vehemently disagree with is the idea of staying with your spouse for the sake of the children. IMHO, this is a mistake that can seriously have unintended consequences down the road." Yes, those are a little judgmental. Just because you throw a "IMHO" in there doesn't make it any less judgmental. JMHO ;)

December 31, 2012
2:50 am

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Lets try to make this a lively discussion of ideas and not turn it into personal attacks. I will shut this thread down if I see any flaming or name calling or personal attacks.

All viewpoints are welcome, even when we don't agree with them. Lets keep it civil please.

December 31, 2012
2:53 am
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Alright, I woudl like to ask you two questions in a last attempt at establishing credibility here:
1) what forums exactly did you see this forum referenced, precisely, what thread?
2) would you reveal your alias also on that site so we can see what type of discussions actually brought you here?

December 31, 2012
2:58 am

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What lovergirl said. If you can't act like adults and treat each other respectfully the thread will be locked. Guy said he came in peace, attacking him is quite frankly not going to be tolerated.

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