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Safety on this board
January 3, 2013
4:10 pm
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Right now this board isn't feeling as safe and supportive as it has preciously with recent posts that are questioning every aspect of affairs, picking everyone's posts all apart. Generally I respeoct people's opinions and even welcome differences but it seems like one is on a crusade to "turn people against" affairs and has a morality edge to it that doesn't feel nice

Anyone else with similar thoughts?

January 3, 2013
4:33 pm
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"shootingstar" wrote: Right now this board isn't feeling as safe and supportive as it has preciously with recent posts that are questioning every aspect of affairs, picking everyone's posts all apart. Generally I respeoct people's opinions and even welcome differences but it seems like one is on a crusade to "turn people against" affairs and has a morality edge to it that doesn't feel nice

Anyone else with similar thoughts?

Well, I am feeling unsafe here but for differing reasons.

I have had two OMs that left after dday to go back to their wives.

I am here to get support for my pain and anguish and confusion about whether or not I should continue having affairs.

I feel I am being attacked constantly because of my questioning things.

I am confused. Is this site only for people who are happy in their affairs to post.

I was happy in my affairs, but when I was I felt no need to post on a forum.

It is only now that the affairs have gone sour that I need support.

But again, I am confused….is this board only for people who cheerlead affairs so much that they refuse to discuss the downside of having affairs.

My down side is losing OM on dday to the wife he claimed was the absolutely worst wife around.

I don't understand how a man could say that and then willingly go back.

January 3, 2013
4:34 pm

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Personally I wish we had more lively debates and more members with different perspectives. I think the content of the dialog is more valuable when we challenge each other's perspectives – obviously doing so in a respectful way.

That being said – it does become less supportive – if having people that all share the same opinion is "supportive".

I believe the site is currently intended for "anyone touched by an affair". This would imply WS's, BS's, people not even currently in an affair but that were once impacted sharing perspective after the fact, etc..

I also understand the site is up for a redesign/launch in the next few weeks. I am not certain as to how that will change the nature of things, but I do believe the intent is to attract a broader group of people "impacted by an affair".

In any event, thanks for the thoughts.

If it makes you feel any better, I always feel under supported/represented when posting in my thoughts. :)

"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy." -Robert Anthony “It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires a great deal of strength to decide what to do.” ― Elbert Hubbard "The path of least resistance is the path of the loser." - HG Wells
January 3, 2013
4:40 pm
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"ConflictedAffair" wrote:

I believe the site is currently intended for "anyone touched by an affair". This would imply WS's, BS's, people not even currently in an affair but that were once impacted sharing perspective after the fact, etc..

I also understand the site is up for a redesign/launch in the next few weeks. I am not certain as to how that will change the nature of things, but I do believe the intent is to attract a broader group of people "impacted by an affair".

I don't think that was how the site billed itself in the beginning at all CA. Other views were tolerated but it was primarily for those in affairs or dealing with ending an affair. I read these parts of your post as Doccool wanting to reach a broader audience for more $ cash $. The infidelity forums have much more traffic.

January 3, 2013
4:43 pm
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Yes, there is someone new on the board making strong points against A's. I would have been that person a few years ago,

Yes, it makes me uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable to see it all written before my eyes. And because it is uncomfortable I struggle and become defensive. I already have these moral dilemmas going on inside my head and reading it all makes me think about the other side, question myself, question my judgement. I try to rationalize. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Heck ya, that's uncomfortable.

That's not his fault. It's mine. But it doesn't change anything unless I choose to change it. I am still here. I am still in an A. And I am still appreciating the support I receive from a group of individuals who do understand what I'm going through.

I don't mind seeing the opposing views, despite the discomfort. If you do, you could always use the "Foe" option and post away in "safety" :)

January 3, 2013
4:43 pm
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I also think it's a natural progression for forums, as they grow with members, to essentially attract all different walks of life. Eventually as this site keeps growing, you will start to experience adverse posters in even more abundance and frequency. Eventually it will become trendy for trolls to take over and post faux-topics and untruths, etc. It's just the way forums work. It's a place on the internet for anyone and everyone in the world to sign-up and post freely. And all it takes is one crack-pot to start messing with people just for fun. It's nearly uncontrollable.

Only longevity and integrity can prevail in a forum… you establish credentials based on how long you've been around and your demeanor in your replies. It's the only way to weed through the crap and choose who you're really going to listen to and who you choose to ignore.

Also, FWIW, there is a "foe" feature in control panel somewhere that you can mark an individual poster as a foe and you won't see their posts anymore. So if someone in particular is getting under your skin, then just block em'! :)

To love is to compromise, to compromise means sacrifice, for sacrifice you must have tolerance, to tolerate you must be patient, and to be patient requires practice. Love is not effortless.
January 3, 2013
4:45 pm
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I have to say that I have enjoyed the different outlooks that are being presented on the board. It does make me think outside my box which is what I really need. Sure it is great when people agree with you and your actions but I dont really get anything out of it. As for safety, I feel this board is very safe.

January 3, 2013
5:55 pm
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Ohhh I didn't know about that for option thanks for the information!!!

January 3, 2013
5:57 pm
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CA I always think you express yourself respectful even though it may not be agreeable to others

January 3, 2013
6:00 pm
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"Andi" wrote: I have to say that I have enjoyed the different outlooks that are being presented on the board. It does make me think outside my box which is what I really need. Sure it is great when people agree with you and your actions but I dont really get anything out of it. As for safety, I feel this board is very safe.

I don't care if someone disagrees with my view.

I am talking about outright attacks.

I came here looking for support due to two broken affairs. I wanted to find others who are questioning their choices, like me.

There are plenty here, but yes, there are a few who seem to want to pick a fight, instead of discussing.

A lot of the stuff I read here makes me uncomfortable too. But, I know that it is good for me to see it and seeing it might shake me out of my confusion.

Some posts make me want to go out and find another affair partner and others make me want to work on my marriage.

But, I think that waffling is a good thing. Maybe it will let me settle into where I need to be.

January 3, 2013
6:11 pm

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>>>>>I don't mind seeing the opposing views, despite the discomfort. If you do, you could always use the "Foe" option and post away in "safety"

It really is that simple. I fail to understand how a couple of people can make so many others pissed off and upset. If you really get your nose so out of joint by another member, it is really really simple to block that member. It really is that simple.

>>>>>I also think it's a natural progression for forums, as they grow with members, to essentially attract all different walks of life

Exactly right and thats the challenge here. The site is growing and is attracting a wider audience. While some might like to think of the site as a walled garden, that kind of intimicay collapses with growth. The topic of infidelity is also a very complex and broad subject. Although the quality of discussion here is very good, the topic is explored in a pretty narrow view when you consider all of the nuances of the topic.

So what do you do?

I can set up a private, members only forum where people are vetted and criticism is not tolerated and if you espouse a viewpoint that is not affair positive then you are banned. Is there an audience for that? Perhaps. Would you be willing to pay a membership fee for such a set up? I don't think so.

The solution is to welcome all points of view as long as they are delivered in a respectful way in the spirit of the forum rules. I have said it many times before. The best boards are the ones where there is debate and respectful discourse with a clear set of rules so that they don't just become a cesspool of flame wars. And that is exactly what is going to continue happening here.

Don't forget. If you don't feel "safe" here or if reading someones posts gets your blood pressure up to the point that you are not enjoying your visits here, make use of the foe feature to block members that you don't want to see.

January 3, 2013
6:46 pm
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As I learned on another, similar forum, take what you can use and discard the rest. The great thing about differing points of view is that you will have a lot of choices from which you can pick what best mirrors what you think is best for you.

I love the "foe" feature and I also believe in skewing real life information about yourself that could be uniquely identifying, so that you are not discovered, because there are a lot of very hurt BSs who may feel it their personal mission to out any and all who engage in affairs. I do not believe they are a majority, nor do I believe that are they such a wide threat that one should be paranoid. The few who are up to no good are generally easy to spot by their aggressive "anti-smoking, cured smoker" type remarks.

It's okay for people to point out the pitfalls of affairs. That's the point of an affair support board. You can only learn those from people who have fallen into those holes, so don't be so quick to dismiss their comments, but remember what I said in the first paragraph. Take what applies, discard the rest and live happy.

January 3, 2013
7:10 pm
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shootingstar,
Many of us long time posters offer an opposing view through our experience. We don't seek to show someone the error of their ways but to offer what we've learned from our experiences in the hope that it may help another. Our experiences in our A's and M's or in my case my experience as a BS.

Yes, I've seen people who come on to the board to condemn but they quickly leave. The tone of the board has changed over the time I've been here but so have the posters. I'm quite a different person than when I first joined as is CA, Anais and others. Affairs typically end as does the A lifestyle we share the knowledge we've gained from the begining to the end of OUR experiences.

Dont take what you read here to heart, listen to your heart and do what you think is best for you.
Hugs,
C.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
January 3, 2013
7:16 pm
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I really enjoy posting on this site and sharing opinions and ideas with like-minded people. However I refuse point blank, to feed the trolls with information on the reasons or otherwise why we are in affairs. I'm not offended by what they write, but they are not like-minded people and I don't think their intentions are honorable. Just saying!

Don’t you dare remember me the moment I start forgetting you.
January 3, 2013
7:22 pm
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I think for me, this board is going through a painful growth spurt. There seems to be more polarizing comments than I remember in the past and it can burn to read some of those comments (not every post deserves a reminder that we're doing a bad thing). Just like you all have mentioned, take what you like and leave the rest but -sometimes- it's tough.

January 3, 2013
7:34 pm
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I skipped right over those threads since they've been beaten to death several times on here already. All they had to do was search.

January 3, 2013
7:39 pm
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I am only new to posting on this site however have been lurking for months. I enjoy the lively debate. We all have different viewpoints and opinions and although sometimes I don't like what I read I respect the others point of view. The only exception being people who seem to be on a mission to attack others.

January 3, 2013
7:48 pm
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The mixed bag of responses here, especially considering most have been or are involved in an affair, is kind of proof in the pudding. Some don't want to hear from non-like-minded people and others welcome the opposing perspectives. Just goes to show you that everyone is different, everyone has an opinion, everyone is judgmental, and everyone has the choice to listen or ignore.

Yep, sounds like a forum to me… :mrgreen:

To love is to compromise, to compromise means sacrifice, for sacrifice you must have tolerance, to tolerate you must be patient, and to be patient requires practice. Love is not effortless.
January 3, 2013
8:59 pm
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I've been online a long time and have seen my fair share of visitors elsewhere who looked to educate, spur debate, get a rise, etc. I think I'm always most amused by the Samaritans because they presume one hasn't enough cranial activity to acknowledge there are other ways to solve a problem. That's alright, missionaries come in all groups and always hope to convert someone to their way of thinking. No big deal.

I think people get weary at the barrage of "I am correct, my M is perfect, I make it so" etc that tinged the posts from our new visitor. That'll get anyone's hackles up, really. But the foe feature is a good one, and there's always just averting thine eyes to any post that really makes the blood pressure stir.

I'll agree, I do like a myriad of viewpoints but especially from those who have been where we are at, relationship-wise. I can go talk to my parents or siblings about stable Ms all day long, but how to work through an A, or how to approach specific scenarios within my R with a MM? I can't really go everywhere for that.

Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles - A fine film, yet long.
January 4, 2013
12:26 am
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"tallgirl" wrote: I've been online a long time and have seen my fair share of visitors elsewhere who looked to educate, spur debate, get a rise, etc. I think I'm always most amused by the Samaritans because they presume one hasn't enough cranial activity to acknowledge there are other ways to solve a problem. That's alright, missionaries come in all groups and always hope to convert someone to their way of thinking. No big deal.

I think people get weary at the barrage of "I am correct, my M is perfect, I make it so" etc that tinged the posts from our new visitor. That'll get anyone's hackles up, really. But the foe feature is a good one, and there's always just averting thine eyes to any post that really makes the blood pressure stir.

I'll agree, I do like a myriad of viewpoints but especially from those who have been where we are at, relationship-wise. I can go talk to my parents or siblings about stable Ms all day long, but how to work through an A, or how to approach specific scenarios within my R with a MM? I can't really go everywhere for that.

I never claimed that my marriage was perfect. To say that I professed that to be the case is disingenuous. But I did say that I was correct in one of my posts. I can see where that might cause irritation. For that I apologize.

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