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The Moment of Truth
January 25, 2013
4:58 pm
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 SO – after MM indicated that our A was more complicated than he was ready to deal with, I sat back and licked my wounds, and took it all in.

  I realized what everyone here has been chiding me for was essentially correct.  I was wanting an exit-affair -- a soft place to land when and if I chose to have it out with the H.  I was also mulling over all the highs and lows of both As in the past 20 or so months.  What did I 'get' from those R's?  What didn't I get?  What was I 'missing' (really?) in my marriage? 

   As fate, timing, or the cycle of the moon would have it, last night it all came to a head.  I was preparing for work and my H 'confronted' me with a small slip of worn paper, with Bill on it.  That's all.  And it wasn't even my writing.  Yell  At first I was flabbergasted, he claimed the paper was on the floor after I had left for work the previous night.  That it hadn't been there before "So you must have dropped it" ….  

   It was a desperate accusation from a desperate man, and I couldn't take it any longer.  Quite honestly, like most of you, living a shadow life is exhausting. 

   Rather than even try to defend against something indefensible (Honest to god, NO idea where that 'slip' came from or what it meant, it could have been a label (bill) from my adult kids, they track in and out of the house all the time, but whatever) ….

   I said, "We need to separate".  And I was prepared to back it up.  I just feel devoid, empty, not sure what is happening in my marriage.  However, my H, was not prepared, and does not want, to separate, divorce, or part ways.  He wants to know that I love him.  He wants to understand where I am, what I'm doing, and why I don't include him in life anymore.  I had to go to work (lousy timing to start such a huge fight) and we ended up texting half the night.  It actually helped, texting, because when you do that, you can't really yell, or see tears, or feel cornered.  Anyway … we got some things 'out'.   So tonight, we're going out.  We're dressing up, and I told him we're going to role-play that we just met.  I'm going to talk to him like I talked to MM when we met.  I'm going to show him the side of me I've only re-discovered, and I'm going to make him look at himself, and have to present himself to ME like I don't know thing one about him. 

   YES we're carrying a shitload of emotional baggage, so it's not going to be all candlelight and roses.  I think this is going to be hard, hard, hard.  NO, hell NO, I won't ever admit to having an A.

  It's a last ditch effort, honestly.  Because if we can't 'rekindle' excitement (or maybe it's just ME) about being with each other, if he can't 'light my fire' and we can't have a satisfying sex life, then this really will be the beginning of the end of our marriage, and I'll be working out how to move on with my life without devastating him.

   Thanks to all of you who are here and support my 'ups and downs'. 

I want to be able to love my husband again.  We'll find out in the days / weeks to come if we really can love each other, again.

Confused

January 25, 2013
9:32 pm
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As always, I am wishing you the best. Hoping tonight is fun. Rebuilding excitement in a stale marriage is a lot of work and I wouldn't expect an overnight miracle.

January 25, 2013
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Thank you -- I'm not expecting an overnight miracle either Confused   The miracle will be getting through the evening without the H crying and hanging all over me … he tends to get EXTREMELY emotional, which actually makes me angry.  I don't know why.  I'm preparing myself to do whatever he needs to feel loved, valued, and wanted.  I really am. 

 

January 25, 2013
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Good for you for putting the effort into the M. It won't be easy but at least you are taking that first step. Good luck tonight!

January 25, 2013
10:08 pm
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Bored, this is huge for you – I'm seriously rooting for you girl! I feel like you are now empowered, because you had that moment where you just said "fuck it" and faced the music; in telling your husband you need to separate… But essentially what you did was break the ice for yourself to stop beating around the bush with him. That is extremely HUGE for you, because for so long you were afraid of hurting him and bringing down his world… so protecting him from the reality of your unhappiness was your biggest deterrent. But now, you've overcome that ice by breaking it… essentially putting all your cards on the table with talk about separation. And with that, arises a golden opportunity, because your husband is in a heightened state of awareness that things are wrong in your relationship, and his willingness to fix it means he is open to change, and an openness to change means you get to work with him on some of your own expectations in meeting your needs in a relationship.

Yes, miracles don't happen overnight… BUT… don't stop believing in miracles either. Seize this opportunity and make the most of it by being brutally honest with your husband about what he needs to know. For example, if you don't want him all clingy and crying and extremely emotional then YOU NEED TO TELL HIM THAT BOTHERS YOU. He probably has no idea it does, and you need to communicate it to him. Things like that. And you don't even have to worry about hurting his feelings now, because the ice is broken already, and so you should have no hesitation to lay down your expectations (of course, don't be a cold bitch about it though).

Big hugs to you, and go have some goddamn fun with your man! Make some "new" moments my dear…

To love is to compromise, to compromise means sacrifice, for sacrifice you must have tolerance, to tolerate you must be patient, and to be patient requires practice. Love is not effortless.
January 26, 2013
2:34 am
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Well, …….. don't be patting me on the back just yet.

 

Spouse came home in tears, he's been upset all day at work.  God Help Me I must be an evil woman because I burst out laughing!  What an inappropriate reaction!  But I couldn't help myself, I just thought it was so over-the-top and melodramatic (and *I* am supposed to be the drama queen? Right.) 

 Dammit, he has a mountain of suspicion that I've been 'fooling around' but nothing specific.  Just things like, new lingerie that he never sees me wear, new heels, etc. etc.  Guess he's been rummaging through my things when I'm at work.  SO I am promising that we are going to do more things together, I won't be off on my own (as much) – all things I plan to make happen.  No date after all, as he's too much of a mess to be out in public.  This is going to be a long, hard path. 

That and MM is sending me messages, still.  Just along the 'glad we're going to be friends, I would like to spend time with you'… when we both know that's not going to happen.  OH well.

 

Thanks …

 

January 26, 2013
3:09 am
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Not evil at all, I have a tendency to laugh whenever stress and a flood of emotion head my way… a weird coping mechanism, I suppose! ;)

Bored, have you ever inquired to your H as to his online EA? Along the lines of "You notice my new clothing, why do you seem so entranced by your phone?" Do you think as time progresses he'll open up about that at all? Is it something you want to delve into with him?

Maybe the date can happen on Sunday, when he has gotten off the high of "She asked me to separate!" and cool off.

Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles - A fine film, yet long.
January 26, 2013
7:06 am
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bored12 said
 

 

Spouse came home in tears, he's been upset all day at work.  God Help Me I must be an evil woman because I burst out laughing!  What an inappropriate reaction!  But I couldn't help myself, I just thought it was so over-the-top and melodramatic (and *I* am supposed to be the drama queen? Right.) 

 Sorry, but I must be evil too as I burst out laughing reading about what you did. You just lost your title – please pass it to your H.

I honestly never seen man crying so can't really imagine it – it sounds too funny

 

I always was myself but I never knew what a beautiful person I was till I met you.
January 26, 2013
5:12 pm
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Wow Bored,

That's …. Ya, it is what it is right.   He feels something, he doesn't want to face it.  Question is can you move past it without the both of you facing it?  Tough call.

The crying thing,  I feel ya.  I'm not a woman that cries so I find it incredibly hard to take if a man cries.  That's sounds terrible but it's true.  I just get this attitude like,  seriously?  If you have something to say, spit it out don't cry. 

It for the best for you that this came up.  You can now give it one last effort find out if its worth saving.  Then you'll be able to move forward.  I wish you strength and hope as you continue on with your effort.  Hope that one way or another you will have some piece of mind.

Hugs,

C.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
January 26, 2013
7:29 pm

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pandorabox said

I honestly never seen man crying so can't really imagine it – it sounds too funny

 

You think that the thought of a man crying sounds funny.

You certainly are an interesting specimen.

January 27, 2013
12:04 am
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Bored,

 

perhaps a physical separation would be helpful in your situation. Being around your h when he behaves this way is very detrimental to you being able to reignite feelings of love and respect for him. Maybe if you approach it that way with him, he'll 'man up' a bit. To just don't see things ending well as is. 

 

 

January 27, 2013
12:07 am
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Pandora, I'm guessing English isn't your first language and that's why you're so 'interesting'. Forgive me if my assumption is wrong – I know you're located in another dimension. I mean hemisphere. 

January 27, 2013
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girlfromipanema said
Pandora, I'm guessing English isn't your first language and that's why you're so 'interesting'. Forgive me if my assumption is wrong – I know you're located in another dimension. I mean hemisphere. 

LaughLaughLaugh

 

I needed that giggle.

 

H and I have spent the day together, so far.  I'm working on resumes, so he's giving me a moment of privacy.  I'd love to have physical separation, but that's not going to happen.  Frown

 

 

January 27, 2013
12:56 am
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girlfromipanema said
Bored,

 

perhaps a physical separation would be helpful in your situation. Being around your h when he behaves this way is very detrimental to you being able to reignite feelings of love and respect for him. Maybe if you approach it that way with him, he'll 'man up' a bit. To just don't see things ending well as is. 

 

 

 

Thats the spirit!!  How dare he "behave this way" in front of his W who has obviously been cheating on him and is scared of losing her.  We criticize men for not being open – and when they show emotions we criticize them for not "manning-up".   Lets all have a good laugh at the BS's expense.

 

 

January 27, 2013
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Bored, it sounds like you are beginning to look into what is going to truly be what you need in your life.  I am very happy for you.  Figuring out what I needed and wanted was hard, and my thinking and behavior didn't always follow a straight line.  I am grateful for what I have been through and what I had to face, because there was something to be learned in all of it.

 

Having the divorce conversation with stbxh was hard.  It was so hard to remain strong and steady, to not capitulate when he tried to shame me into staying.  It was hard to remember that I am worthy of happiness when he said hoorible things to me, about me.  Many times, I wanted to curl up and give in.  But I am glad that I didn't.

 

I commend you for making the effort, for giving your marriage a chance.  I think having exMM text you is not going to help your situation, though.  He ended it, he doesn't get to be friends.  If you want this to have a shot in hell with your H, then exMM needs to exit for good. 

 

I hope things work out for you soon, one way or another.  You may find in the middle of trying to make things work with H that you just can't.  Really think about what you are feeling, pay attention to it.  I knew my marriage was over when the thought of being in my own house, alone, was more comforting and made me happier than being with H.

January 27, 2013
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Sorry for my previous post – it just touched a nerve.

 

I agree with Princess -- if you're really going to try to save your M, the exMM must disappear from your life.  And if after that happens and you really have been trying and it just isn't working, then take the difficult but freeing step of separation and divorce.  While it may hurt your H up-front, in the long run you are doing him a favor.  Just do it respectfully and you'll feel much better as you move forward.

 

Life is too short – and we all deserve to be loved, and to want to give love freely.

January 30, 2013
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Doccool.com Administrator said

pandorabox said

I honestly never seen man crying so can't really imagine it – it sounds too funny

 

You think that the thought of a man crying sounds funny.

You certainly are an interesting specimen.

 

I agree. What's funny about crying? SurprisedCry

I cry when I feel like it and I find men who are able to cry more human and more manly than those who are cold rocks all the time, like they don't have any feelings at all.

I think it's very immature and insensitive to laugh at any person who cries. Even my daughter knows that since she was 4 years old.

January 30, 2013
10:45 pm
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For those who need a score card (I know I Do) ..

 Nothing is going to change overnight with H and I.  I am re-focusing my energies into being FULLY PRESENT, because going through the motions, per se, isn't any kind of effort on my part.  As much as it sounds like that's not really being accurate, I really can focus and just *be* with my spouse, enjoy our time for what it is.  I'm still just not sure what it 'is'.

I have heard from my BFF, my co-worker (who knows about my activities) and from all of you here that I am looking for something (validation/a sense of love/worthiness) from my APs, and I need to find it within.  This is true.  At this stage in my life though, I seem to be missing the ability to do that.  Years and YEARS and years of therapy haven't helped.

Also, to clarify my earlier post – when H came home in tears, I didn't laugh *AT* him; rather, I burst into laughter (just for a moment, before collecting myself) and then promptly tried to calm/reassure him.

 If anyone has seen the movie 'The Holiday' with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, you'll recall a scene at the end where Cameron Diaz has left, and then runs back to the cottage … when Jude Law opens the door, you see him crying, with the saddest pathetic face, but it's funny too.  That's the look my H had, and I know my laughter was inappropriate (read what I wrote earlier) …

  FOR the record, I know laughing at anyone crying is mean, and not something I am prone to do.  I actually love my H for his ability to openly show his emotions, but at this point, I did feel that he had 'overdone' it. 

 

So I am trying to put my M in perspective and spend more time with H.  MM and I will continue to meet up, as friends who can 'scratch that itch' that our spouses can't/aren't willing to.  I e-mail with exMM without any face-to-face contact, and as much as I love him, find myself pulling back more and more.  That R has no real purpose, except to remind me I was too hasty in getting married. 

I will also continue to improve my employment situation, until I'm making the kind of $$ I need to support myself without hardship. 

 

 

January 31, 2013
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Bored  thanks , need to look it up, the movie scene

 

AN   As I said, never seen one but Bored's description of the scene was funny

I always was myself but I never knew what a beautiful person I was till I met you.
January 31, 2013
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pandorabox said
Bored  thanks , need to look it up, the movie scene

 

AN   As I said, never seen one but Bored's description of the scene was funny

 

You do watch movies though Wink

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