A Failure To Communicate

One of the biggest complaints in the affair world is that there is a lack of communication. More accurately withdrawal of communication. Many affairs begin and the communication is explosive with the pings, pongs and ding dongs that threaten to blow up the phone. Then when interest is established or sex is established, communication can dwindle.

We all want to speculate, rationalize and we all wait ever anxious for that next shred of information from our affair partner. Some ask…why are you not contacting me? what’s wrong? are we still together? You get an answer more qualified to be an excuse than an answer. Many don’t ask the question why? Because they don’t want to appear needy or clingy. So, whats the right way to handle it? What can you do?

My personal experience and the experiences of countless members of the affair community has taught me this: It’s best to discuss the pattern of communication up front with your potential affair partner and lay out expectations. Be honest about this and do not go along with something you know will make you unhappy.

Once in the affair, nip communication issues in the bud. if communication starts to diminish be straight forward. There is a difference between saying, “I’m not happy with our current level of communication, it is making me lose interest in you” and saying, “Why didn’t you text me, don’t you think about me?”   Obviously this comes across as needy.

When there is no improvement. This is where people start to really lose it. They want to rationalize all the bad behaviors. They want to believe that the person is really thinking about them and they are not losing interest. Actually, from what I’ve seen this is exactly the case, they are losing interest. So what do you do? Blow up their phone with messages? Can you make them respond? Can you make them send you those sweet loving, validating messages they were sending a month ago? NO! All you can do is control your own behavior. All you can do is begin to understand that your Affair Partner is treating you in a way that is unacceptable to you. All you can do is begin to emotionally separate from the person that who is hurting you. At this point many will say, “but I love him/her, I can’t just let them go” How can you hold on to someone who is already leaving you? Holding on is just tormenting yourself.

What happens when you don’t let go. You let them back in and you condone the bad behavior. They throw you a bone and say, “How are you” and you jump with joy! Then they know they can withdraw contact, put in little to no effort and you will still be waiting. You have just taught them how to treat you. They will keep up this cycle, because you allow it.

Communication is vital in a relationship that is secret and where you do not see the person on a regular basis. The vast majority of Affairs deteriorate without this vital lifeline. When there’s a failure to communicate you must act to correct the issue or end the affair. It is much better to end it quickly than drag it out and put your emotions through the ringer.

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One Response to A Failure To Communicate

  1. tallgirl January 26, 2013 at 1:52 am #

    Incredibly sage advice. Most sought after topic on the forums, nay in most relationship therapies!

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