Life’s a Beach
1) Age, sex, marital status
sex: female Married, no kids (Other man: age 53, single)
2) When did you first begin your affair? How did you meet your affair partner?
My affair began seven months ago. I met my other man at a street fair, listening to a band.
3) What were the circumstances that led you to having an affair?
My husband had not accompanied me on a winter-long beach vacation I had paid for and planned months before for the both of us.
He claimed he had work to finish up but every day when I called, he was at home and his work is away from home. I did not know what to think and was very upset with him. My inhibitions were down from alcohol so I invited my other man back to the beach condo with me.
4) Would you say that you are in an emotional affair or are you in it purely for the sex?
Like many others, in the beginning it was purely for the sex which was incredible. I thought I had lost my sexuality and desire but with my lover, I became a totally sexual being, capable of being aroused instantly and constantly. He ended up staying with me for the entire month until my husband finally arrived. During that time of 24/7 togetherness, we grew very close and had so much fun together, we fell in love. I never knew love could be like that, always laughing, simple fun and totally into each other. We were like teenagers and it was the best to feel that way again! We were/are very emotional with each other.
5) What impact has having an affair had on your marriage? Has it improved it? Made it worse?
The impact is the inevitable comparison between my husband and my other man. My husband is serious, no sense of humor, rather negatively-oriented, has no desire to work or better himself, but is very sweet and loving and attentive to me. I find it hard to respect him because of his lack of a work ethic. My lover is a fun-loving, upbeat, positive, driven-type guy with lots of irons in the fire. He made me laugh continually with his perceptive, self-deprecatory attitude. He would never let me get “down” and I am often “down” around my husband. The sex with my husband did vastly improve though as I imagined my lover during the act.
6) How often do you get so see your affair partner? Where do you typically meet?
I saw my other man 4 times in the month of vacation with my husband. It was very exciting as we met in public places: the beach, coffee shops, walked the town, then would go make out in my car. Since, we have emailed and talked on my cell phone but not as much as we’d like as the cell only works (poorly) in a few spots away from home. My husband is always at home so it makes it hard to communicate even by email as he’s always walking by my computer. I have no privacy and resent that.
7) Have you ever been caught or had a close call?
Unlike most of you out there, I got caught immediately. My other man called me right after my husband arrived. I had been so angry at my husband for not coming on the vacation that I almost didn’t care if I got caught. I had told my husband that “a neighbor had looked after me” as I had gotten sick while he was gone. Later I needed to be hospitalized and my other man spent the day with me in my hospital bed. We made out despite being hooked to an IV.
My husband asked me outright if I had had sex with this “neighbor”. In my anger I admitted it and said we were in love. I said I planned to keep seeing him. I expected my husband to walk out then and there but he didn’t want to lose me so here we still are, seven months later. We’ve been to marriage counseling (on and off for years) and I freely admitted the affair. I said I was losing respect and thus falling out of love with my husband due his lack of desire to work. His surfing the internet all day and all night while I am at work is creating a lot of bitterness in me, and I can alleviate this feeling with my lover.
I keep almost all of the money I make and at this point, I see another winter-long beach vacation, probably by myself. I will see my lover and I don’t know if I will return to my husband. Amazingly, my husband and I maintain an amicable relationship even with all the cards on the table. Before this vacation, I had always been faithful to my husband so this was totally unexpected. When single, I was very sexual with many partners and am now glad to see I have not “lost it” as sexuality was a big part of my identity.
8) What precautions do you take to ensure you maintain secrecy?
I have a separate email account we communicate on. I only call him when I’m at work on my cell which is pre-paid. He mostly leaves messages on my cell as we rarely connect. We live states away and he may come here and stay in a hotel where I could visit him. My husband is not sure of the status of my relationship with my other man and doesn’t ask.
9) Do you ever feel guilty? If so, how do you manage those feelings?
I don’t feel guilty due to the resentment I feel towards my husband, all the while still loving his good qualities: kindness, gentleness, generosity, intelligence. It’s a very strange situation, a sort of balancing act. My husband says he is totally in love with me and wants me forever but seems to have comes to term with the affair. Maybe we realize we have disappointed each other and cannot fulfill each others expectations and now are coasting along seeing where that leads us.
10) What’s the best and worst part about being in an affair?
Oh, the rediscovery of my sexuality was by far the best part. To feel like a teenager again, to spend hours making out, unable to get enough of each other. I haven’t felt that for decades. And I thought I’d never feel it again at my age. Right before (one the same day in fact) I met my lover, many other men were interested in me as well. I had a few brief flings with them and that was very ego-gratifying. My husband doesn’t know about them but my other man does and said “no more sport-fucking! Husband I know you have to but now you’re mine!” My husband actually met two of the “flings”, none the wiser. My other man actually stayed with me until the moment my husband arrived so that was very exciting.
Being loved by two men is great for the ego. And being attractive to many other men after so long without that. The worst part is falling out of love with my husband, though that was already happening. And wondering what the future holds. Will I be married to my husband, single and involved with my other man, or single with no one? The security I hoped to have with my husband has evaporated. It’s all a bit scary. I don’t regret any of it though…what a HIGH I had and hope to maintain somehow….
I do agree with “Karen” in another interview: That we are not hard-wired to be monogamous. If we were, we would not be attracted to other partners while in a committed relationship. It doesn’t mean we aren’t really “committed”….it just means that is “not enough”, especially for a highly-sexed person. It is hard to supress that part of one’s being. I can’t imagine having only one sexual partner all one’s life. If nothing else, it makes you all the more appreciative when you land a really good one. Many men at this age can’t achieve or keep a hard-on, I’ve recently discovered, and so I now really appreciate that my husband can.
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